so wrong, but i can’t stop

as requested, the never-ending saga with my first everything:

before i start though, i don’t want to make this completely about myself. i doubt any of you really wants to hear about every detail of my four year unrequited love affair (although, feel free to share your own). what i do want to do is discuss one point.

you know the friend who’s fallen for the bad boy or the hot bitch? your job as a friend is to help dissect ambiguous statements made by the so obviously wrong guy or girl. you comfort after drunk-dials regretted in the harsh reality of the next morning. you survive the love-loath jekyll and hyde emotional spikes, the entire time thinking, why are you doing this to yourself? he doesn’t want you or she’s a shallow self-centered drama queen.

well i’m the heartsick friend and guess what? we know. we know this person isn’t in our cards. get off your high horse. for whatever reason, this person has gotten under our skin. we fantasize about that time that we are so witty and cute and smart that they can’t take their eyes off us even while all real encounters with them only disappoint. we know the right person should make you feel more confident, more beautiful. they should bring out the good in you. they shouldn’t leave you feeling used, as if you’re nothing. we know this even as we go to meet them, talk to them, and sleep with them. we know that we’re out of control, and we care that we’re out of control, but we can’t control ourselves. how can anyone with a heart really let go? we want and we want and we can’t have. but most of all, we can’t not want.

i’ve spent the last fifteen minutes trying to write specifically about this boy, and i realize that i don’t know whether to use the past or present tense. this is year four of pointless devotion. worse, i haven’t even seen him since february, and yet, he’s always tucked in some dark corner of my mind, popping out every few weeks and making me wonder if i’m ever going to get over him.

i’ll go with past tense because i need the distance.

dream boy wasn’t even a dream. when i looked at him, i saw boyish-cute with a little mischievious smile. i was furiously attracted to him while my friends didn’t see it at all. he’s funny, quick, artistic, layered, sensitive without losing masculinity, brutally honest, very intelligent, and somehow equally straddling sweet and dirty. he’s also wastes his talents, is lazy, moody, irresponsible, and a moocher. regardless, he’s in my head, he’s in my heart, and it’s partly his fault because he was the one who called me in the middle of the night a few weeks ago and has imed me since.

the media confuses us. half the time they say be strong and turn your back while the rest of the time we’re supposed to have faith in love, even pursue it in the face of rejection. well my personality doesn’t leave me with a choice. this boy snaps his fingers and i’m at attention. my hope is that law school in the fall will finally give me that relief i need. i’ll be busy, i’ll be in a new place meeting new people. i need an end, a naturally occurring one since i can’t stop myself. no one wants to be pathetic forever.

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