the ugly drunk

August 13, 2006

it’s the morning after a big night of drinking with the boys. now my tongue feels like a dead object in my mouth, my face looks old, and i’m weary.

there’s a line, at least for me, when i’m drinking. i don’t know how it is for everyone else. i have a high tolerance, but there’s a point that if i drink past, i get sloppy emotional. i like to think of it as entering the Dark Abyss. the Dark Abyss is the part of myself that i purposely don’t want to explore. all the bad things are there. my insecurities, my fears, all those things i think but don’t want to acknowledge, it’s all stored in the Dark Abyss.

the key to the door for the Dark Abyss is alcohol, or i should clarify, too much alcohol. until i cross this line, i feel wonderful. when i cross it, i fall apart. i sort of picture myself as a balloon with no tie on the end–air could escape if not for a hand pinching it closed. most of the time, i can keep that hand there, pinching determinedly. sometimes though, i get tired or lose control. the hand slips, i deflate some.

that was last night. i drank until i couldn’t keep it together anymore. i leaked the fact that something in my life, in me, is missing. i didn’t come right out and say it. you know how sometimes when you’re upset about one thing, it sublimates into irritation for someone else about something completely unrelated? emotion over that test you just bombed flames into anger at your roommate for playing her music so loud you can’t bloody think. whatever. in this particular case, something i’m a little hurt about became a big thing because all that unhappiness i’m hoarding away needed some reason to surface.

maybe it wasn’t a big deal. i don’t really know. i can’t remember exactly what i did or said, or how it looked, or if it even looked at all. i just know i feel like manure, and yet again have shown to at least myself that i’m a mess. i don’t know if i want to see the boys anytime soon.


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