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obsession

August 18, 2006

some people more than others are predisposed by their personalities to be obsessive.

i’m one of those people. i overanalyze, overdramatize, overwhelm, overkill, overDO everything. why? because i can’t stop thinking about whatever and whoever is in my life. a few examples are food (in fact i’m currently downing a bag of popcorn, diet if that helps), appearance (which the food doesn’t help), boys (also not helped by item 1, unless they like a little something-something to hang onto), and sleep (which has the reverse effect of causing insomnia).

the consequences are that i’m ten pounds over weight, i won’t be caught dead without my makeup (i’m actually being literal, when dead, i will have my face made up to continue the charade), i’m an uncontrollable flirt (sometimes whether i’m interested or not), and that i’m always tired.

tangent: how to explain always being exhausted? i’m always one step behind in everything because my mind is fuzzy. i spend endless hours staring at the patterns on the ceiling while other people blissfully snore away. i practically have the grand canyons carved under my eyes (very sexy, let me tell you…). i’m irritable. and the worst, i’m always just trying to make it through the day, wishing that i was at the end of it so i could rest. that’s an empty way to spend your days.

the internet more than any other one thing in my life has exploited my penchant for obsession. where else can you track people through AIM, constantly (and anonymously) checking their away messages? where else can you log into your mailbox to check whether or not someone has sent you something in the last 2.3 seconds? where else can you create a virtual life for yourself through blogs or other networks like facebook and myspace (actually, check out this, it scares me), or by just plain lying in a chat room? and, while i don’t engage in this particular activity (i really don’t or i’d tell you), where else can you find any and all sorts of sexually explicit material (aka, porn)?

to be honest, starting this blog was probably not the healthiest move. now i can obsess over comments and number of hits. on the other hand, i’m writing. that’s constructive, right? i like writing because the process allows me to solidify thoughts that were fermenting in my brain. i end up learning something new about myself, or the world. i’m innately lazy though so i thought a blog would motivate me. it has–so far. warning: i’m not known for longevity.

to return to online obsession, this isn’t just something i’ve concocted so i would have something to write about. i’ll admit, today was boring and i didn’t have any material, but i’ve really been thinking about this! cyberspace has allowed people to immerse themselves in compulsion. when you have no way to get certain materials, information, whatever, eventually you give up and stop thinking about it. never see that ex-boyfriend and he drops out of your mind. now, he’s always there on your buddylist, whether he lives in the next city or the next country. haven’t gotten any lately? no problem, visit blonde sluts who give great head (made up, but it’s probably out there) or one of the other billion sites that encourage sex addiction. and not even partner sex addiction. just all-by-your-lonesome in the dark, unfulfilling, purely physical release.

i have a few guy friends who watch a lot of porn. a lot a lot. i’m sure that for many guys, it’s just another means to release, nothing to be worried about. but i did know one guy who said it jaded him. everything turns dirty. it also meant more work to hit the “O” moment, and that he got so used to the sexier-than-life bodies of porn stars that real girls didn’t always cut it. he’s a normal guy, so this isn’t some strange phenomenon. this is your future boyfriend or fiancee or one night stand who asks if he can keep playboy on while you screw.

so in conclusion, the internet is nourishment for the obsession that lurks in people like me, of which there are a great deal. why else are 45-year-old men, guiltily hidden away in their study at 4 a.m., jumping when their wives sleepily ask what they’re doing, normal and good in every other respect, suddenly propositioning 16-year-olds online? i firmly believe that without the ability to do so, and the accompanying temptation, these men would not be going to jail because they never would have started.

i have proof. or at least, proof that cyber obsession exists. check out this, and scroll down to all the links to real studies about sex addiction. or also this article which discusses internet obsession in general. i’m sure there are much better sites, but i’m leaving in a few and i didn’t have time to really research. hey, an assignment for you guys! track some cool stuff down, let me know. further your own internet surfing addiction…

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3 comments

  1. The internet is a cold and lonely place, or at least it can be. People normally tend to avoid cold and lonely places because they make them feel uncomfortable. So how could someone possible become obsessed with something like that? I agree that you can be easily lured into creating all kinds of online identities, which you can tweak in order to present yourself as a little bit better looking, a little bit smarter, a little bit more likeable.
    But I don’t think that this is an online-only thing. For the very same reason people (in real life) pretent to be something they are not, tell little lies to people, dress up on friday nights etc. Being online only makes it a little bit easier.

    It seems to me that the internet can only become an obsession because it has two kinds of illusion to offer: The illusion of safety and the illusion of unlimited socialising abilities. Going out and meeting people in real life is always “dangerous”, there is always the possibility of being turned down, getting hurt, people not living up to your expectations.
    The internet (especially under the infamous Web 2.0 moniker) basically says: Here you can meet people, and if you get scared, just log off or tell another lie. Because you are safe at home, anyways.

    This sounds pretty bleak, don’t you think? But the internet can, as you said, help you with organizing your thoughts, and share them with people who do (or pretend to—no security, remember?) care.

    So it’s probably all about balance: One can either wallow in fake security or perceive the internet as a platform to nourish one’s ideas and get in touch with people he or she would probably never meet in real life.
    To me, blogging is all about the second sort of thing. Because if you were sitting at your PC all the time doing essentially nothing: What would you have to blog about?

    These are my first toughts on this quite inspiring post, and perhaps I will eventually find the time comment on the porn/porn-addiction part of it.


  2. The illusion only holds up if you the illusionist allows it to hold up. A person might wear many masks in public with their friends or even family, but at the end of the day if you want to be healthy and happy you have to be upfront and honest with yourself first.

    Once you have grounded yourself in your own reality, any illusions you view will melt apart when ever you decide to deconstruct them. A little get away from reality is healthy for a release, but there is no release if you lose yourself to self-deception. This becomes the definition of the phrase ‘chasing unicorns.’

    Last point, if you can deconstruct illusions and be honest with yourself, then you can also learn to find the beauty in reality. The constructed body types of porn stars don’t become an illusion ideal, just another body type, similarly this holds true for self visions of our own body types as well. Get honest with yourself about your own body and it becomes much easier to savor others.

    (stopping here because my philosophy makes sense for me, but is starting to sound a bit corny ~ being honest with myself. 🙂


  3. The internet has freed up people to be able to be who they truly want to be without the thought of consequences by being caught. Why else would you have a dating site aimed at married, engaged or otherwise attached people to find other such souls?

    How many folk, deep down in the darkest part of their mind had a real interest in BDSM but due to circumstances in life, misunderstanding wife, living with parents, not knowing anyone in ‘the life’ was unable to explore to find out what they enjoyed. Now, they simply log on, and explore, talk to similarly like minded people and make contact with others in their area to further discover.

    How many relationships have begun through the internet, where attraction can be based on personality and words rather than physical attraction and lust (and alcohol)?

    Like everything in the world, too much internet can ruin your marriage, affect your health, and lose you your job. In moderation you can make friends across the world, touch peoples lives, and have countless sex with many faceless people…… maybe scratch that last one.

    Porn has been the great discovery for many people on the internet. Before going online, the only way most people got to see porn was knowing someone who had a copy of a video who would lend it to you. Now, log on, type anything and porn shows up. If you believe that the porn you are watching is real sex, real lust, then you believe that the bodies you see, females, thin with large chests who scream with pleasure if a man farts, men muscular with large lower bits who can have sex for hours without orgasming, then your real life encounters are going to be very disappointing, unless you really are a porn star.

    From a personal stand point, after being online for nearly ten years, meeting several young ladies for mutual fun, and later on my wife in chat rooms, the internet has lessened as an obsession to me. I no longer have 27 e-mail accounts that I check by the minute. I just have 5 or so. I do check out several blogs, multiple times a day but more because I enjoy the writing rather than I am obsessed I might be missing something. I sometimes look at porn, but usually when I am trying to find something else.

    I think I am normal online, which is a big difference to me offline 😉



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