August 23, 2006

from where i sit, the sun from yet another perfect summer day warms my skin while the sounds of other students playing ball or blasting feel-good music grounds me to the fact i’m back on campus, that i’m still young, and that this is my final year.

my dorm/apartment is perfect. my view is wonderful. usually at this campus, there’s not much sound. it doesn’t even feel like college sometimes. but for now, people are out enjoying themselves, laughing, getting out of their room. i wish, like other moments, i could save this in a box for a rainy day.

even as i write that, it drives me crazy that in the middle of all this good-ness, i would dare poison the day with the idea of bad days to come. why not just enjoy today without mulling over what it means for school to really start?

except that i can’t seem to. have you ever felt on the outside looking in? that’s my natural state. i don’t feel like i’m living through things. it’s more as if i’m watching myself make the motions while everyone else actually lives. i’m always observing and thinking. i’m recording why it’s a beautiful day instead of just going with it. how to change?

my suitemate called me over to her room earlier today to show me this description of our university in the princeton review. she was laughing hysterically because it mentioned how students joke that coming here is all about staying a virgin until you’re 22.

wonderful. that’s going to be me. not because i’m ugly and no guy would have sex with me, but because i want a nice guy to date in a relationship, and it’s not happening. i’ve pretended that it’s because the guys here are weird (which is true), but from another comment from my brutally honest roommate, i think it’s that i’m just too intense. normal girls enjoy the day; they don’t write about it. normal girls are naturally optimistic.

normal girls do not realize, in the middle of something they’re saying, how negative they sound and try to fix it by tacking something upbeat on the end. this has become classic me lately. maybe if i do it enough i’ll start being more positive?

i’m rambling more than usual. usually i can start writing without a clear topic, but it eventually materializes. today i don’t even know what to title this. there are just so many things swirling around my head that i don’t know what to write, or how to explain.

i guess if there was one concern overshadowing the rest, it’s this: i’m worried that I’M going to get in the way of myself having a good year while at the same time understanding that it’s this overzealous scrutiny that’s screwing things up in the first place.

lol…i really have issues.



  1. I read your blog and its funny because I’m thinking to myself ‘hey I could be writing this.’ You write in a way that is very relateable. I stumbled upon your blog recently and I enjoy it very much.

  2. thanks for the feedback. i actually haven’t written for so long because i kind of felt like i was writing to a cyber void. No one was reading or cared. anyway, i’ll keep it up, and it’s good to know that other people can relate to what i’m writing. doesn’t make me feel nearly as strange and alone.

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