h1

i’m pissed off, i’m on my period, and yes you’re getting gross details

September 1, 2006

reasons why i’m pissed off at 12:24 a.m. on a friday:

1)my computer got some sort of invisible virus that no scan known to man could find. and this was a wily virus. it would only spread its evil when i was around to see it. hand it over to the IT department and suddenly it’s on its best behavior. virus? what virus…

the IT boys handed me back my lap top after three days (a rEdiculous amount of time to be without a computer) and no issues. not five minutes back at my place, the error sign is back, the screen is flickering, and the sound has gone AWOL. shoot me.

i ended up having to use the system restore disk to completely overhaul the computer. which means putting all my shit back on there. why, why, why must the computer restart after EVERY update??! oh god, all i could picture was the Wily Virus’s diabolical nerdy Creator out there laughing at me, reveling in the excruciation he was putting me through. approximately 9 hours later, my computer is almost back to it’s pre-infiltration state.

2)my one friend (friend?) is driving me up the wall, across the ceiling, and down the other side. have you ever been friends with someone a long time before realizing how completely hypocritical their life is? her profile says “love the life you live, lead the life you love”. in person she’s all “oh honey i love you, i miss you, i’m so glad we’re friends”. she’s the sorority girl beaming with her “sisters” because they “see the beauty, even in the common things in life”. she’s sweetness, and brightness, and light, with all the right things to say at all the right times.

the reality? insecure is only the beginning. not only is she extremely intelligent, but she’s very attractive and funny. one guy comes along and she’s screwed up afterwards. she let him screw her up. how many chances do you give a guy who embarasses you publicly on many separate occasions, let alone cheats on you? i think my favorite part is that this kid was still higher up on the totem pole than those of us who didn’t screw her over. but remember, she loves her girlfriends and the important thing, the best thing, is all that time we spend together…

what time? the times she calls/ims/emails me about how shitty she feels? and i make her feel better, and don’t hear from her until the next time she needs me. what happened to having friends to hang out with? to count on? i really love having friends who never show up to anything i invite them to.

but wait: an hour ago she texts me about whether i want to go to DC. time to hang out, right? no, she needs me again. there’s a boy in DC, a very cute, sweet, perfect Dream Boy (my opinion and her’s). this trip isn’t about us; it’s about needing someone to go down to DC with her so she can get the Dream Boy she can’t possibly have time for. the sad part is i’d be perfectly happy tagging along for her dream-catching adventure, but she leaves everything until the last minute and then expects the rest of us to accommodate her. last time, we ended up not leaving until 5 p.m. on a friday for a 6.5 hour drive because she decided to go to work (without letting me know so i sat around all day waiting for her). we get there around 11:30 pm friday night, do nothing most of saturday because she’s tired, and leave at 8 a.m. sunday morning because she needs to get back to do homework. yet, on our way back, she wants to stop at her family’s house. THREE hours later we leave her family and get back at 8 p.m.

lately i don’t have a friend. she’s not really a part of my life except when she needs me. all we rely on now are memories from our trip to europe together. she leaves an im for me later saying how she loves me and that life gets busy “and stuff” but she loves having me around and the fact that we’re both so honest with each other. honest? hah. she’s not honest to herself. she doesn’t talk to me to get honesty. she can’t see it and doesn’t want it and won’t do anything to change it.

can someone be your friend when you’re not sure how much you respect them anymore?

3)this weekend has the same components as last weekend: no events + no people around = no fun. yay for plans falling through yet again.

4)i got my period today. you men out there will snicker after reading that, rolling your eyes because you’ll attribute rant #1, #2, and #3 to the fact that i’m at my most womanly (apparently) right now.

periods do not cause a reverse cinderella process here. we do not transform into demonic monsters for five to seven days. having your period is equal to being sick. you just want to curl yourself into a ball and never get out of bed because you’re rundown, things are achy, bloaty, and icky (!!). are you men a little more irritable when you have a cold? yes! do you become incoherent and insensible? NO. we do not blow things out of proportion, stop making sense, or kill people just because biology interferes.

and just for you lovely males out there, i’m going to give you the top why-periods-suck list. if you get grossed out, sucks for you, at least you don’t actually have to deal with it:

  • if you wear pads, you can’t sit with your legs crossed, lie on your side or stomach, or other twisted positions because you will leak, embarrass yourself, and gross others out along with ruining underwear, clothes, bed sheets, chair covers, etc…
  • because of the potential for embarassing leaks, you’re always paranoid. is that wetness? is that guy looking at my butt because it’s nice or because…!
  • you have to wear grandma underwear, which creates panty-lines, which means your butt will not look cute anyway
  • other things to be paranoid about: smelling, accidentally spilling the pads in your purse for the world to see, forgetting to put pads in your purse and then needing them, going to a guy’s house and having to throw one in the trash and knowing that they’ll have to take out the trash and hating the idea of that…
  • you’re carrying around an extra few pounds in water weight which makes everything tight and uncomfortable and ugly
  • pads make you feel like you’re wearing a diaper; they even make the crinkly sound
  • cramps, godawful cramps. and that weird weighty and sometimes burning feeling in (i guess?) your uterus. this always makes me want to sit down and not move. ever.
  • feeling the whole <ahem> bleeding process. yuck. i know. believe me, i know. in fact, basically grossing yourself out for a week
  • having dogs nosedive into your crotch
  • not being able to get close to guys. or have sex, although as you know, this is n/a to me. i remember a guy freaked out when i straddled him and he knew i was on my period. day 7 of my period which is basically zippo. he practically bucked me off of him. thanks, made me feel awesome.
  • there’s more, but i’m tired, and i doubt anyone’s going to read this far as it is

maybe a little of my pissiness is the period. either way, i’m bitter and bitchy and going to bed.

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6 comments

  1. Periods suck. But tampons make it much more bearable. Haven’t worn pads since… umm… 1994!


  2. hi there! its me again,(I sent you an email before) and Ihave just had a more detailed look at your website, and your writing is really great, I try to write a bit myself, have you ever published any of your work. On your post, I really so understand the piece about the friend only calling you when she really wants you….not the other way round, she sound v. self absorbed……. and about the periods, well – this might be a bit of a shock, as you prob only get bright young things make comments here…. but I am lets say, ‘the other side’ of my periods and it is WONDERFUL….. AND i am shouting that..! that is one of the bonuses of getting a bit older.

    You should read Virginia Wolfe, (have I spelt that right??) she writes – expecially in her Mrs Dalloway- in the form of a stream of consciousness which you would enjoy…
    I am going to be very very cheeky, but if you ever like any of my poems (yawn yawn I know I know) then do put them on your site.,….. but then dont risk turning everyone away from your site. but I would love people in USA to see them, and love them or hate them…!
    lol Janet sue (alias jsp)


  3. I definitely understand your rant #2 about that “friend” who’s not really a friend. I have a friend like that. I have a friend who only calls me when she needs a shoulder to cry on. It annoys me to the fullest because whenever I just want to hang out or go to the movies, she conveniently has no money, or she’s too tired! What you said about the memories holds truth. Our friendship is based on memories only. She calls me her best friend and all this yad yada. But when I need her, she’s nowhere to be found. Anyway, thanks for letting me rant. I recently stumbled upon your blog and I’m fascinated. Thanks! Keep writing.


  4. Hi again, oh and about the period thing. I feel your pain. I find myself always asking my nearest girl friend “is my pad showing?” I don’t think we’ll ever stop feeling self conscious about it. That’s a con for being a girl. Lucky boys! However, I still love being a female!


  5. rant away, i like knowing i’m not the only one with these issues.

    and i’m on my period right now, so…yeah.


  6. Periods suck. There is no other way to put it… I think if guys had to go through what we do every month, they may finally start to understand us.



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