h1

the TERRIBLY horribly twisted girl that i am

January 8, 2007

i moved my blog from a previous URL today. very tedious process. why’d i do it? as i’ve said before, i’m striving for honesty. which means i don’t want to jilt you guys on the many times ugly details of my life. unfortunately, my brother found my previous blog address and i felt like i had to write a PG-13 version of my life in case he read it. last night throws PG-13 out the door. this entry’s going to be long because i don’t really want to get to the point. i also think that maybe i should change this blog’s title to “diary of a mad brown woman” or “life as a crazy psycho bitch”. at the very least, i should take out the “sweet” and leave only the bitter. there was sweet. in those three months i went AWOL, there was sweet.

last night was so great that i scheduled my first ever therapy session for this wednesday.

i messed up. i’m not doing ok. i far surpass the stupidity, the drama, the meanness of reality tv. i think i’m still in shock. this wasn’t my usual impulsiveness where i end up hooking up with a guy because of the intense combo of loneliness and raging hormones. oh no, this was much worse. i don’t know if it’s pathetic or just evil.

earlier yesterday, i was having a conversation with my mother. she always wonders at my extreme insecurity, especially in terms of appearance. she tells me that looks aren’t everything, that personality is what a person really needs. i know that. i really do. but see, here’s the thing–i don’t have a good personality! i’m utterly lacking in that area. of course i wish i was gorgeous because someone will always love you and want to be with you if you’re beautiful. meanwhile, if you’re cute but you’re just a bad person or a depressing person, well then it’s going to be a long, lonely life.

she’s my mother. of course she thinks i’m the funniest, cutest, smartest thing out there. and honestly, i feel like when i’m home with my family, i am the very best that i can be. i’m goofy and happy and cute. i say funny things and do jigs around the kitchen. i’m fun. i’m nice. i’m ok.

this all goes to hell when i go out into the real world. then i’m bitchy. i gossip. i complain. i get so angry at people and life. most of all, i’m unbearably lonely. i want somebody to just be myself with. i’ve never had it and i just want to stop looking. i don’t want the hottest boy out there or anything of the kind. i just want mine. the first boy i had anything with, the one i fell in love with, he ruined my fairy tale. i thought when i was younger that it wasn’t that hard. you like someone, they like you, you go out and just be together. what i missed was all the gray area. i didn’t know about things like “friends with benefits”, “open relationships”, and other devious ways to worm out of commitment.

and yeah i know girls do all these things too, but boys, god boys are the worst. all guys want is ass. even the nice guys can’t resist. i’ve seen it over and over. guys with great and crappy girlfriends alike still cheat. they still flirt. they know what they’re doing and they still do it. it makes me so angry. i really hate men, like the way nazi-feminists hate men. i hate them and i can’t stay away from them.

so far so good, you’re thinking. she’s just exaggerating over how bad she is. she’s just a poor, heart-broken girl. i am, but think again. there’s something wrong inside me. you don’t believe it? here’s last night:

so i meet up with my girl friend and a bunch of her guy friends and we drink and joke all in good fun. everything always starts out innocently enough. one guy in particular catches my attention. let’s call him kryptonite because he’s the type of situation that sets me off.

anyway, kryptonite is cute and very taken with me. he laughs at all my jokes, sits by me, wants me to play pool, and in general i can feel his eyes on me all night. not leering, but interested. this is a quote “nice guy”. another trait kryptonite has is that he’s taken. he has a girlfriend so in the beginning i don’t flirt with him. i do flirt very obviously with the cute bartender who’s very aware of his good looks. eventually, we go back to the friend’s place and drink more, all of these boys plus the bartender coming along. so i’m dividing my energy between krytonite and bartending hottie. eventually, my girl friend falls asleep, and a few others retire. meanwhile, me and three boys are still awake and i’m flirting like men are going extinct tomorrow. i have no idea if my flirting is desperate-seeming or not. possibly. yet as drunk as i am by this point, in the back of my head i’m still calculating. look at them wanting to get me drunk so they can pounce on me.

we decide to adjourn to my apartment since we wouldn’t wake anyone up and i have more liquor. i don’t want the one guy to come over, but he’s friends with the bartender. however, the bartender decides to ditch out last minute and the friend shows up on my doorstep alone, to my displeasure. he’s indian and annoying to my senses. he’s even annoying in his so obvious interest in me. how can i be like this? how can i have this ugly superiority complex towards guys who follow me around like a puppy-dog?

so here i have two boys, one of which i want to GET OUT, and the other one obviously interested (even though he has no right to be). we get drunker, i get more annoyed with the indian kid. at some point i tell this kid off. yes, i do. i tell him i want him to go, not in a nice way, but in a horrible, mean, bad way. this is me. god.

so i’m left with kryptonite. let me mention that although he’s cute, i’m not even that into him. in fact, i’m being turned on by something unsexual. i’m being turned on by the feeling of power. i know what he wants, and he knows what he wants and i very obviously seduce him. but this is no ordinary seduction, no. again, i’m still calculating although i’d say i’m wasted at this point. it’s hard to tell how drunk i am, so he might not realize.

but back to the calculation. i’m a girl. i’m not beautiful, but i have a sexuality that guys notice right off. i’m very sure of myself in this kind of situation. so i sit there and whisper in his ear, i rub my lips against his neck, i sit on his lap, i shove him against the wall and rub up against him. i’m in complete whore mode. and the entire time i’m TAUNTING him. what’s your girlfriend’s name? do you love her? yes? then why are you here? you can’t stop yourself, can you? this would hurt her, you know, if she knew. etc, etc. do you see how sick i am?! jesus.

without prompting or further ado, i strip to my thong. i straddle him and he’s not doing so well in terms of staying calm and composed. he also keeps saying things like jesus, you’re a bitch, why are you doing this, WHO does this? as of course his hands are on my tits. so picture me straddling a half-horrified, half-mesmerized kryptonite and him asking how often i not only fuck, but fuck with guys’ heads.

well see that’s the entertaining part. i’m a virgin. haha. i think that made it more twisted to him. he’s sitting there shocked and upset and turned on, just saying over and over you can’t be a virgin, they don’t do this, they’re not like this. i actually ask him if he wants to check.

eventually things go to shit. i am wasted. he’s wasted but he knows i’m bad news and realizes he better get out of here because he does love his girlfriend. i think at one point he realizes that i’m emotionally fucked up (if he couldn’t tell by everything else) and asks me why. i actually say something about the boy i was in love with and how guys make me sick because they cannot stop themselves from being sex pigs. i also call first love and leave him an incoherent im. i end the night lying on top of my sheets just feeling frozen inside.

have i succeeded in digusting you yet?

and so that’s what i did with my sunday night. i acted the whore and fucked with some guy’s head and relationship on a day when others go to church to pray for their souls. i did it because i’m so twisted from how i’ve been used and what i’ve seen all guys do for sex that i wanted to prove to just one of them how weak and bad they are. except that i turned into something uglier and made myself into the other woman. i’ve never felt this dirty.

funny tangent: you know i never actually kissed him on the lips? haha, is this considered cheating for him?

i’m so scared now. i’m scared of myself and these ugly things that i find inside me. most of the time i’m fine and people would never know. i smile a lot, i laugh a lot. you wouldn’t know most of the time from looking at me that i downed an entire bottle of excedrin pm one semester and ended up in the hospital for kidney failure. you wouldn’t know any of these things. but they’re all there and i’m the only one who knows, although every now and then, i open the door and let someone else see a little of the ugly. i’m so scared he’ll tell my girl friend, or other people on campus. everyone knows everyone here. i don’t think i can deal with knowing that there are guys out there calling me a crazy psycho bitch. i don’t want my digusting self out there for everyone to see. i don’t even want to see.

what’s wrong with me? i’m so broken and i don’t know why. i want to be good and i just can’t seem to be. i just don’t know what to do or how to do it.

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2 comments

  1. I write this before I read the above post. I write in response to your comment left on my blog.
    You said:
    “your daughter is gorgeous. very sultry-looking. have fun scaring off all her future boyfriends =P

    also, i thought i’d let you know since you’re one of my few and very highly-prized regular readers, that i moved my blog to a different URL (https://bittersweetlife.wordpress.com). with my brother seeing my other site, i felt constricted about what i could write. finally got around to moving the entire thing, lord was that a process…

    hope all is well.”

    And my response is:
    Well, bittr, thank you for your sweet comment. But what i don’t understand is how can you prevent your brother from finding this site? I mean, couldn’t he just do a blog search on google for the term, bittersweet? Methinks keeping this blog from his prying eyes is impossible.
    Anyways, let me read this post about your brokenness and comment….


  2. Just read the post.

    Well….

    You are certainly an open girl. To put the bad out there so frankly is courageous. I don’t think I could do that on my blog….

    Yes, what you did was rather bad. Sort of a power trip and an exercise in the hatred of men and a display of sexual manipulation. You have to realize the power of our sexual selves, bittr. You have to also totally embrace your brokenness.

    It is good that you see your brokenness. That is a very good term for it. Now, for the solution to it. It is, I have come to know, found in the very nature of love. Love is the most powerful force in the universe. Love is actually the creative source of the universe and it is its reason for existence.

    Love will heal your brokenness. Love actually has a name. Perhaps you have heard of the bible verse that says that God is love. And that anyone who loves is of God. God quickly comes to our side when we see our brokenness and our powerlessness over such. Jesus is the embodiment of that love. To seek him in any, finite, clumsy, weak manner is to do a great good for one’s soul. I’m sure you’ve heard him calling for you in your heart. Try to respond to him and ask him to guide you out of your brokenness. You will not be disappointed.

    Btw, I say this because I need to hear it. I have been going through a terrible time with sexual brokenness lately….

    PS I would seek that guy out immediately and offer a humble apology. Don’t let shame make you hide away.

    Email me, bittr, anytime.



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