January 9, 2007

in response to tim’s comments (comment 1 & 2) about my previous post:

first of all, i had to laugh when you said i’m courageous. i didn’t think it was possible to squeeze a compliment from anything i wrote, but you showed that you were trying and i thank you for that. in general, i truly treasure your readership because it makes me feel like i’m not just writing for an uncaring cyber void. i need that. i am worried that you’re completely disgusted with me, but i guess at the same time, strong emotions (even repulsion) guarantees interest in reading what i have to say?

on whether my brother can find my blog again. well i deleted my old one and if he asks, i’m going to say that i decided to go with a private diary rather than a blog because it’s too much work and i don’t know if i want people reading everything. also, i don’t come anywhere on a google search for “bittersweet” or “life”, at least yet. nor is he a particularly determined person. i think he’ll believe me and leave it. if not, i’m in huge trouble with my past post. and hey, if i change the title to “life and times of a psycho bitch” (my new pick), then i doubt he’ll ever click on the link.

second of all, as much as i’ve always wanted to believe in god, i cannot. i wish i could. i want that comfort and belief that there is something out there, but i can’t make my heart and head heed something it just doesn’t believe in. i’m happy that you can find comfort and the ability to motivate yourself to be a better person from your spirituality, whatever i think or don’t think about god. i, however, can’t use that path to become better.

so do you or anyone else have any other suggestions? lol. <sigh>

you do things like this and they’ll always be there. you can’t undo them. and unlike a one night stand or something like that, this doesn’t call into question my self-control so much as my heart. i want someone to love me but i kinda wonder if that’s possible with this kind of thing in my history. i’m so cynical and so manipulative and i’m only 21. really makes me want to give up.

something else i wonder is how truthful do i be with a guy i may meet and go out with. is this something i need to tell him? i know with my first, i was extremely honest. i didn’t want to “fool” him. i told him everything, things from how hairy i am (being brown sucks, you brunettes know what i’m talking about) to confessing how absolutely unconfident i am in so many areas of my life. maybe this is the wrong way to go. maybe i need to keep the dark stuff inside, even if i feel like i’m lying. i don’t know. i really don’t know.

and i did send kryptonite an apology as soon as i woke up the next morning. i was thinking about apologizing to him over the phone, but i kinda didn’t want to subject myself or him to such an obviously uncomfortable conversation. so i did an email, hopefully he checks it. i didn’t want to go overboard and make him think i’m even MORE psycho than he always does, so i did something short. here it is:

i dunno if who we are when we’re drunk is a reflection of our true selves. if so, i’m the postergirl for crazy psycho bitch. all guys should carry a picture of me in their wallets just to check when they’re drunk and meeting strange girls that i’m not the one they’re hitting on.

anyway, i highly doubt that you want to start out your week reading an emotional volume of an apology, so i’ll wrap this up. apparently, last night has proven that i’m a horrible person. i’m so sorry. i dunno what i can do about that, but not drinking is a start. meanwhile, i hope you’re as decent as you seemed and don’t ruin my reputation. i am so ashamed that i hope to god i don’t run into you on campus, or worse yet, go to fordham. regardless, i still have enough memory to loathe waking up this morning.

and no, you don’t have to feel bad about not replying to this email. sorry, and i hope you have a good week.

he didn’t reply, which of course panics me into wondering if he ever got this. and, looking at it now, i don’t think it’s a very good apology anyways. i think it seems more like i’m very concerned that he’s going to tell a lot of people. i am, don’t get me wrong. i feel like if this gets out, i won’t have any friends left. i need my friends. i am very sorry though. he didn’t do a good thing by coming to my place, but i far overshot him by preying on him the way i did. is there anything else i can do? i just don’t know.

the last two days i’ve acted normally on the outside. but i went shopping with a friend today, and just in the middle of normal conversations, of weeding through bins of clearance clothing, i think of what i did sunday night and i just want to cry. it’s as if my goodness is a scale and right now it’s weighed down on one end, on the dark side. i do bad things every day; how am i ever going to even it out again?

tomorrow i see the counselor/therapist/crazy doctor. i’m very nervous. i’m sure the guy’s not going to tell me i’m nuts to my face, but i’ll be able to see the change in his eyes. i’m a great interviewer. i have a nice smile and people think i’m sweet and attractive. he’ll think, poor confused girl and genuinely want to help me. then i’ll tell him about sunday, if i have the guts, and everything will go down hill. you know, i want my therapist to like me.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. that’s the refrain in my head right now. it doesn’t stop.


One comment

  1. Well, so God is out of the question for now, huh?
    Hmmm, that leaves you in a sticky wicket. You need grace to be healed of your brokenness and such comes from God. Hmmm, well, I’ll pray for you to receive grace despite unbelief….
    God works in mysterious ways.
    You said: “i am worried that you’re completely disgusted with me.” Well, not disgusted. Alarmed is more what I feel. Being one capable of much darkness myself I don’t find what you did as being beyond the pale. I am concerned about the inner twistings that spawned such behavior and that you grow out of the brokenness and walk in healthy ways.
    As for the apology, girl, ya gotta apologize! The simple statement, ‘I’m sorry, I was wrong. It won’t happen again,’ goes a long way.
    Don’t worry about being judged by the therapist, they are on your side.

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