h1

nicely anticlimactic

January 10, 2007

today was better.

kryptonite answered the apology email i sent him the morning after the terrible deed:

That was some pretty screwed up stuff… but at the same time I’ve
made far more than my fair share of drunken mistakes, so I
understand. Don’t worry about it (although you’re right about laying
off the booze for a bit, that might be a good idea).

it’s not much, but a huge wave of relief washed over me after reading this. i feel better, even if maybe i shouldn’t. regardless, apparently i’m lucky for launching my manipulative scheme on a pretty decent guy. i think he’ll be close-mouthed about it, and i won’t have to go buy a big floppy hat and dark sunglasses to slink around campus in. right?

meanwhile, i’m trying to get to the root of my twistedness so that i don’t do this to someone else. i went and saw a therapist today. it was just….ok. the guy wasn’t very impressive. i didn’t want a guy, considering a lot of my major issues have to do with men, but he’s all that’s currently available. i guess something is better than nothing. he seemed quite nice. thirty-ish. not nearly as engaging as i believed a therapist should be. unfortunately, he felt the need to explain things to me simplistically, for example the definition of alcoholism. i’m a smart girl, so i was part bored, part annoyed. i’m not there because i don’t know what my problems are, or if i even have any; i already know what my issues are and i want him to give me insight on how to fix them.

the session was an anticlimax in that i didn’t end up telling him about sunday night. here we are sitting in his cramped cubicle with ugly brown carpeting and dingy walls. he’s doggedly scribbling down everything i say in his little notepad, and i’m very ladylike, crossing my legs, clasping my hands together. it seemed ludicrous to tell him i had seduced some poor boy half against his will just a few days previously. absolutely ludicrous. i don’t know, maybe i should dress and look the part, would that help me tell him?

nor did i mention the pill-taking episode that landed me in the hospital with kidney-failure. he specifically asked about any medical conditions i’ve had, and near the end of the session, if anyone in my family had tried or succeeded in committing suicide. my aunt tried. i told him that.

i was honest about everything else, and tried to steer him to a full picture of who i am. it just wasn’t exactly how i expected it to be.

on the other hand, here’s a guy who has to listen to me talk for a whole hour every week, can’t tell anyone about it, and best of all, does it for free!

i’ll take it 🙂

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3 comments

  1. Hello bittr(no)sweet!

    I somehow feel like directing some frank, although aphoristic, words towards you:
    There are only three types of people on this earth:
    Those who need therapy, those who are in therapy and the therapists.

    The corollary to this would be: There is no such thing as a sane person.

    But to the point: Judging from my personal experiences with therapists (my parents deemed it necessary for their children to go to therapy when they got divorced), I’m inclined to say that they have a very limited field of expertise, which unfortunately lies within those things you normally wouldn’t like to tell anybody.

    Back then (okay, I just realize that that was almost a decade ago, so a lot of history-rewriting might have been going on since that time) I really felt uncomfortable talking to someone whose profession it was to talk about the problems of people he barely knew, so I somewhat withheld the most substantial information about myself and finally ceased attending the sessions. Perhaps I shouldn’t have — but I don’t feel like my life went on any worse sans therapy.

    But returning to the episode you outlined in the last few posts, I can’t resist expressing a certain feeling of shock, but I’m still willing to dismiss it as a booze-induced overreaction, which should need no further discussion given the fact that you apologized to the unfortunate “victim” of your anger against manhood. (Though I myself am sometimes contemplating that such anger might be justified)

    The only thing I somehow believe a therapist could help with is that pill-taking episode you described. It sounds alarming and is certainly something you’d better deal with with professional aid, though I just might be getting the wrong impression.

    Anyways, I hope you take some comfort in the fact that even people who barely know you show some sympathy, and wish that you’ll soon be laughing about the whole crazy thing.

    Cheers

    modalspace


  2. i do take comfort in that, quite a bit in fact because that description was morbidly accurate. i needed to put it down completely and honestly and really take a good look at what i did. if i’m still getting sympathy, then i don’t feel like i’m quite the lost cause yet.

    about the therapist: i also do not know if it’s going to work for me. i’m a psychology major (strangely enough), but i still can’t feel comfortable with telling a perfect stranger my deep down issues. in fact, i didn’t. i am going to continue it for at least a few more weeks to see if maybe something will change and i might benefit, but i don’t know how much faith i have in my counselor at the moment.

    about the pill-taking episode, i don’t really know what to make of it either.

    on a different tangent, uh, how easy was it for you to find my new site? i changed the title and the address but i worry that it won’t be enough since i can’t change my username. if anyone has any suggestions…


  3. I discovered your new site via google by accident, searching for “bittrsweet” because my link to the feed of your previous blog had ceased working and I was wondering why.
    As for suggestions on how to keep your brother from finding your blog: You could try blocking google et al. from indexing it by checking the appropriate field in the Options/Privacy menu of your dashboard. The tradeoff is that you would get less visitors from google.

    Additionally I’d like to add a disclaimer to my above comment: As one is better off not taking psychological counsel from a philosophy major, you shouldn’t take my statements to seriously and err on the side of caution: If you’ve got the feeling that therapy could work for you, it’s definitely worth trying.



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