h1

a whore in another life

January 12, 2007

in another life, i must have been a whore.

honestly, i have an obsession. or maybe it’s normal to think about sex oh, EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY?!

example:

RANDOM PERSON <sees me walk up the sidewalk>: hey

ME: (argh) hey, how are you?

RANDOM PERSON <taking my question literally>: ohmigod, i feel like shit. i got like wasted last night. i frigging haven’t stopped puking since like six in the morning. i am so not drinking every again, seriously. i mean you will not believe how much i drank…

ME: mmmhmmm

RANDOM PERSON:…and then this guy was like, take a shot with me. so whatever, i was like, one shot, big deal. it was moonshine! like, do you know like how potent that is? it’s like 200 proof. so i <insert blah blah blah>.

ME (eyes start to glaze): yeah that really sucks.

RANDOM PERSON: i know, right? like i really need to stop drinking, it’s like just dumb. but i’m not nearly as bad as this other girl i go out with, she’s frigging ridiculous. she’s just so out of control i can’t even explain. like, last weekend…

ME <off daydreaming>: (he shoves her against the wall, hard, grabbing both her hands in one of his large ones and pinning them above her head, all while thrusting his tongue into her mouth. he continues to roam to her neck, tongue and lips sucking at her sensitive skin, half-smiling at her mewls. impatiently, he parts her legs with his knee, rhythmically stroking her soft parts with a thickly muscled thigh…) yeah, that’s crazy.

RANDOM PERSON: god, i know. but you know the worst part about last night? my boyfriend just drove me up the wall, i mean he’s seriously driving me crazy. i’m like his girlfriend, not his belongings or something. you know what i mean? he totally went nuts about <insert blabbity blah blah>

ME: (he bent her over the side of the bed, pushing her skirt up to expose her ass. grinding himself against her, he slid his hand down the front of her to–) wait, what? sorry i, uh, missed that.

RANDOM PERSON: oh i was just wondering what you were doing friday.

ME: nothing really.

RANDOM PERSON: we should totally get wasted!

ok, i admit that i need a little work narrating my porn sequences, but i assure you, the actual clips in my brain are hot. and they’re all from the imagination of yours truly. no porn for this girl. actually porn disgusts me.

but back to the original subject—i really am having issues here. i have no idea if this is normal or what. i have some friends who i can’t imagine having a sexual bone in their body. meanwhile, i write that and “bone” sets me off on another little tangent. i’m fascinated by a blog i stumbled upon about a prostitute. certain descriptions actually turn me on even though the idea of actually having sex with hundreds of faceless men—skinny, fat, young, old, ugly, decent—does not. girls turn me on, guys turn me much much much onner, and when at my parents’ house, i on occasion cruise late-night HBO for racy flicks featuring hot people and lousy acting. three-somes, handcuffs, strip clubs (although i’ve never been); they all fascinate me. a biography on the dark side of bombay (india) describes the life of bar dancers and i read the entire novel in one sitting.

i want to insert here that i grew up in a VERY suburban, sheltered city under conservative indian parents. lets put it this way—my mom prides herself on having never seen an X-rated movie. boy-crazy is something alien to her and i don’t think i’m trying to be kind to my imagination when i say that my parents have probably had sex only a few dozen times (never, ever having an arranged marriage!). i never dated in high school, in fact i think i was invisible because i’d be walking right behind a boy and a few girls and he’d hold the door open for them and kindly slam it shut for me. gotta love white prep boys. i was never out past 11 pm. never partied, never drank, never smoked, barely swore. snuck into a few movies and thought i was a bad ass. my point is, DON’T shelter your kids, they will turn into ME. all sorts of repressed urges will tsunami any sort of moral sense you think you instilled in them.

nor is alcohol the reason for all-consuming horniness. i’m raring to go beforehand but every now and then a few drinks are all i need to persuade myself that such-and-such guy will be my cure. some are for a little while, but i’m always left wanting more since i never go all the way. why not? because somewhere in my confused, sex-crazed mind is a good angel doggedly advocating “caring and commitment” before penetrating that last blockade.

stupid angel.

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