insomnia’s a bitch

January 16, 2007

it’s currently 3:11 a.m. and as usual i can’t sleep. i’ve tried every sleeping position, i’ve tried thinking up happy dreams, i’ve tried counting. i made it to 709 before i decided i was more awake than when i started. i’ve tried over the counter sleep aids. i’ve tried ear plugs. i’ve tried weird smelly green indian goo that you rub on your forehead to relax your body. i’ve tried turning on the tv and falling asleep to that. i’ve tried listening to music. i’ve tried reading a boring textbook. i’ve even tried getting myself off (although i seem to be broken in this respect too because it never happens).

in conclusion, sleep ain’t happening. this is of course very annoying as i have a very long day tomorrow. today. argh. basically, i will be making my first appearance back to work and school as a zombie. it’ll be hot in that puffy-eyed, comatose personality way. i know that’s real in.

my brain just never wants to turn off. sure, i have stuff on my mind, but i’m not even thinking about those things right now. i am honestly not contemplating law school at 3:30, nor am i going over the gruesome night from two weekends ago. i’m not in a bad mood; in fact i’ve had a relaxing day following a wonderful weekend. and yet, i STILL can’t sleep. i’m at a loss.

my mom’s signing me up for acupuncture, hopefully this week. i’m actually strangely fascinated by the concept of having dozens of tiny pins stuck all over me. will it tingle? will it leave little pinpricks everywhere? do they put them in your head too? and most importantly, WILL IT WORK?!

sometimes i feel like the only reason i have so many issues is because of my sleeping problem. it’s been over three years now of tossing and turning, giving up and getting up. i don’t get that deep REM sleep because even when i do fall asleep, i wake up after only a little while. i’ve become such a light sleeper that VIBRATIONS wake me up. maybe the real me isn’t irritable. maybe she does have a high attention span. maybe she’s not emotionally all over the place. maybe she doesn’t start crying at the slightest provocation. could that all just be lack of sleep?

before my sleep issues, i like to think i was not nearly as bad. i know i didn’t cry all the time. with everything else, it’s hard to say because of hindsight bias. i do feel like i had more energy to get through the day back in the good old days when i slept like the dead. i mean a tornado, earthquake, and huge thunderstorm could have coincided at the exact same instant outside of my bedroom and i would have peacefully slept through.

maybe the therapist would be good for one thing—prescribing me sleeping pills. hopefully he will. i don’t want to rely on them forever, but until i figure out something better, i need to get some damned sleep.

well, i guess i’ll go lay down again.

and although i am deeply envious, sweetest of dreams to the rest of you.


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