h1

disconnected

February 17, 2007

i feel so disconnected from my world.

there’s a party going on across the hall. one of the boys there, as always, came over to invite us. i would go, just to meet people, not be alone, if my roommate would come. it’s hard to walk into a party of people you don’t know all by yourself. if i was that confident, i wouldn’t be having the problems i am.

instead, she’s gone to bed. i’m here with a half-filled glass of diet coke and rum. the diet is pointless because i’ve lost all control. and yet, no amount of food can counteract this emptiness inside me. this hole. how to explain, i don’t know.

i’m watching some MTV “dating” show. it makes me feel even more disconnected. when have i ever acted like these people? i don’t CARE. now it’s the real world, denver. the blonde kid oh so seriously sits in front of the camera exclaiming over the ridiculousness he’s just now seeing in the bible. he’s gay. i’m so tired of this, of religion.

it’s not that i’m sad. i’m just…indifferent. i was upbeat earlier. now the tv set currently featuring some new, obviously fake, diet pill.

it’s a strange feeling, but sometimes i feel like i’m living outside the rest of these people. on wednesday we went to the school karaoke night. met a girl who was not particularly cute, whose singing approached screeching, and yet got on stage and made everyone cheer for her. she knows how to let go and how to have fun. she can be by herself. she can make people love her.

i wish i could give my life to someone who knows how to live it.

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