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contrasts

March 12, 2007

last night i hung out with two of my guy friends, separately.

braniac called me stressed out and wanting to hang out, so we went to our favorite neighborhood wine bar for two hours. i’m always amazed at how easy it is for us to talk. i’m not comfortable with most people, although sometimes if i’m in the Zone as i like to call it, i can be outgoing and funny. but with brainiac, it’s easy. it’s not as if i was even drinking. i went with diet coke. he makes me feel interesting and intelligent. he’s the most well-read intelligent person i know. he knows about everything. i love to listen to him talk.

we went from talking about law school, relationships, to the meaning of life. seriously, we talked about the meaning of life. he’s been reading about this theory physicists have formed about the end of the universe. apparently there is this theoretical principle of an absolute freezing point which occurs at -273 degrees C. it’s theoretical because it can’t be demonstrated on earth. anyways, when this occurs, all molecules just stop moving. it…freezes. and that’s how physicists believe the universe will end. everything will eventually just….stop.

brainiac was really upset about this. he hates the idea of an end to everything. man loves the idea of eternity. we admire places like the grand canyon, or the himalayas, or other magnificent places and we can practically feel time. it’s as if, even after our life fades away, there’s a sense of the generations after us, of the continuance of everything we have known. change, but still permanency. it’s comforting.

so, the earth will cease to exist after the sun runs out of energy in ~5 billion years. previously there was some idea of the universe expanding to a certain point whereupon it would then contract upon itself and re-big bang, over and over for all time. ie, eternity. the chance for life, over and over again. it’s a nice thought. was a nice thought.

anyway, braniac wasn’t so pleased by his newest discovery. it doesn’t bother me, because none of that concerns me. i’d rather concentrate on now. my meaning doesn’t come from eternity. i know things come to an end, but in my mind that doesn’t denigrate the little happinesses we enjoy now in our life for our small time.

two hours passed by like twenty minutes. so easy, so relaxed. this is probably hard for most people to understand but i rarely ever feel like this. my mind is constant whirring and there’s a hundred thoughts in my head about what people are thinking about me and whether i’m making an ok impression or this or that or all these other ridiculous but completely uncontrollable thoughts that i have all the time without relief. with brainiac, i’m myself. it’s chill. it’s too bad i’m not at all attracted to him. or maybe that would ruin what we have?

well i didn’t want to leave but i had plans to catch a movie and a bite to eat with my friend the ranger. ranger wanted to see 300, so we went to that. it was interesting. i’m never opposed to watching large amounts of beautiful half-naked men running around. the cinematography was amazing as well. but plot and dialogue-wise, i was under-impressed. definitely geared more towards men. the ranger, being a ranger, liked it.

afterwards we went to a bar/restaurant. i didn’t really want to drink anything but he kept pushing for it so i eventually gave in. it was uncomfortable. we end up just doing small-talk. he tells me i’m pretty and a great person a lot. this just makes me more uncomfortable because then it’s more like he wishes this was a date rather than us hanging out.

we met through beautiful boy, my first love. ranger’s actually his best friend, but ironically is completely into me while his friend isn’t. at the time, ranger was obviously on his way to the army to become a ranger. we kept in touch over the phone and mostly through AIM. he’s a nice guy, good heart and all that. he’s not my type and we have nothing in common, but i could tell he needed someone to talk to just to kind of deal with what he was going through. so we did. and over AIM, it was great for a while. this went on for about three years. then he was out of the army and back home, and we’ve hung out a few times but it’s mostly just weird. partly my fault because i get flirty sometimes, but it’s just fun flirty. i knew he was attracted to me, but so are most of my guy friends. i didn’t realize he actually LIKE liked me in the i-want-to-date-you way. lol, i mean that never seems to happen so how could i tell?

so it was mostly just a lot of silences and him gazing at me with That Look. along with him getting me a lot of drinks. i think he knows i’m a lot more relaxed with a few drinks downed so he was trying to hurry that along (or maybe he thought i’d be more amenable to heading home with him? i’m sure there’s some truth in this). i knew the amount we were having wasn’t going to affect me so i was ok with it and mentioned that i was expected at my parent’s house at a certain time so we should wrap up the drinking aspect.

we left and i found out my car had been towed. he felt extremely guilty because he had urged me to park there, saying he does all the time and never gets towed. i wasn’t mad at him and all in all it worked out ok. we were able to get the car and split the cost 50-50. definitely not money i have to spend, but what can you do? these aren’t the things i get upset about. at least it ended an uncomfortable night because the mood was ruined and i just said i wanted to head home.

what is it that makes us ok with one person and not with another when they’re both nice guys? i went from being so comfortable to overwhelmingly stilted in less than an hour. i went from being myself completely to being completely unsure of myself. is this how everyone is? i feel like i should be able to keep that sense of me and how i act and what i say from person to person regardless. I’M supposed to have ownership over my own personality, so why does it feel like others have more control over me than me?

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3 comments

  1. “what is it that makes us ok with one person and not with another”
    This is something I have struggled with for years. Still don’t have an answer, good to know i’m not alone though.


  2. definitely not alone. if i find a pattern, i’ll let you know.


  3. okay , its nice to know your vibes about your surrounding, your five fingers which undoubtedly belong to you, still vary in size,doesnt it ?
    human mind is highly complicated ‘coz of the ability to view things three dimensionally and rationally analyze them. given such a chance ther’s always a possibility of a heavy mischance o’er another.
    our personality or traits always are sound, but every single living or non-living body emanates some radiations, or vibes, ( a magnectic field so to say gets created)if somebody’s wavelength matches your , you get into the comfort zone of speaking where your body is under less charge and you speak without inhibitions, the brains then secretes pheromones, thats akin to likeness hormones . hence the reason why you feel good with somebody else , you are always acuious about their presence with somebody else.the same logic stands true for colors, you are confortable in some whereas , days turn out a deable in other colours you dont get along with .write back to me if u seem convinced.



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