one week into law school and…

August 25, 2007

…wow am i messing up. i’ve been so good for orientation and the first week of classes. i’m a smart girl, i think i’m handling the work fine, but after the very first week of intense classes, a bunch of us went to a party last night and let loose.

perhaps a little too loose. i’ve really been trying to limit the drinking because i know i’m not controlled. anyway, had too much last night (does this sound familiar?), ended up hitting on a really cute guy much too intensely. very embarrassed. law school is a small place. rumors fly. this boy probably thinks i’m easy from the way i acted. i don’t need that reputation. although who knows, i may be overreacting. a lot of these people party much harder than i ever have. maybe i just take these things more seriously. i just hate the idea of having anything taint the seriousness with which i’m approaching law school. i’m extremely career-oriented. i want to do something that matters, in this case public interest in the form of child advocacy and domestic violence. i want people to see that side of me, to respect me, not laugh at my drunken antics. and i’m NOT a whore. i’m just lonely. as much as i want to concentrate on school, that loneliness is still getting to me. why is it so hard to sleep alone? why is it so much to ask for someone to be your best friend who you can cuddle up with and make breakfast for in the morning? why does this matter so much to me? other people are fine being alone. i don’t understand my neediness. i’m only 22. plenty of people haven’t been in relationships yet and they’re dealing.

i’ve met a lot of nice guys, one especially who i like hanging out with. he’s not that cute necessarily, but he’s intelligent, cultured, open-minded, and reminds me far too much of Dream Boy. i should stay away from him. ironically, he lives in the same complex. he thinks i’m very intelligent, especially after he saw the books in my apartment. apparently, if i want to impress someone, i should leave out the economist and a book about existentialism. torts is giving him a hard time, so we’re studying together now.

he came out last night too. and saw me wasted. i have the feeling that’s going to cancel out whatever impression my reading material gave him.

i love the idea of starting over, starting fresh. i had that, moving here to miami for school, and now i’ve already misstepped. i think the greatest life lesson i need to learn is how to live with my mistakes, get past them, and not let them further erode my self-worth.

all my issues, they’re of my own making. miami is beautiful. i love it here. i exclaim over every palm tree. i love the crazy rainstorms while the sun is still shining away. i love how much there is to do, the diversity, the color. i love the law school. campus is like some oasis. we have a lake right in the middle with crocodiles in them. i love the spanish tile, the crazy colors everyone paints their houses, the intenseness of the sun.

i’m interested in what i’m learning, even though there’s far more work than i’ve ever attempted before. law is slippery, complex, paradoxical. it’s all about believing in something and twisting all the rules you can find to support your side of the story. i know that sounds terrible, but it just emphasizes the power of language. luckily, i want to use that power for good ;p

the point is, i have every reason to be happy here. let’s not let one little drunken incident and caring about what people think about me get in the way, eh?

and now i’m going to go make love to my civil procedure casebook. that should be the only thing i get up close and personal with.


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