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girls and low self-esteem

October 7, 2010

Is it normal to get super needy and promiscuous after a break-up? So far I’ve only slept with my two ex-boyfriends, but I seem to hit the lower bases with regularity after each break-up. I don’t want to be this weak, un-wholesome girl. What if I really do lose it one night after drinking and sleep with somebody, not just kiss them or let them touch me? As it is, I can’t handle the guilt the day after I do anything and I’ve already screwed around with two guys in the month since I broke up with my ex. I know it only happens when I drink, but there must be something in me just lurking under the surface if it keeps happening. Not drinking would get rid of the symptom (promiscuity) but not the underlying issue (self-esteem). What’s worse is that with this last guy, he said I mentioned “relationship” to him a few times. I don’t want to date this guy!! Why would that even come up? He’s not my type at all, I think I’m just needy for male attention. So of course I can’t see him again and now it’s just another dirty secret stored away in my brain.

This blog isn’t just supposed to be my personal diary, but I’m trying to be honest about what I’m doing (and doing wrong) in life to get at bigger realities. For example, why are so many girls running around with such low self-esteem? I know that’s the root of my problem, but where did it come from? I know I’m a pretty girl. I know I’m a smart girl. And yet, I don’t really feel like I’m worth it. I don’t understand WHY. There are so many girls just like me out there who, at bottom, feel the same way. Heck, guys joke about finding insecure girls because we’re easy to get into bed. We want so badly to be loved but don’t actually think anyone could love us. And for some reason, that translates into promiscuity even though that’s the last way to get a guy, to get love.

Is this an American phenomenon? I don’t know if European girls are doing better. I also don’t know how to solve this kind of problem because I don’t know where it came from. I’m trying to pin-point where exactly in life I lost my self-worth. Do we all have a particular event in our childhood that killed our ability to love ourselves? Did our daddies not love us enough? Or is it just something chemical, just fucked up brain chemistry that we could never control in the first place?

What happened to this girl? It seems that just as I’m building my confidence, I meet a boy and he brings me back down. Other people break up and they don’t question their worth. Why do I?

How can I fix myself if I don’t know exactly why it’s happening?

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8 comments

  1. It’s happening because you have done something very wrong with someone in the past and you know you should apologize to this to that person but you don’t wish to talk to him and take any risk . Another good way to get rid of the guilt and realize your worth is by doing something different , go little creative , join a class where you can learn something creative. That way you will focus your attention in something else and by mastering in something you will certainly realize your self worth .


    • That’s an interesting theory, and while I’ve done many bad things to many people (much of it on this blog), I’ve had low self-esteem since I can remember. Definitely all through high school, and I’m pretty certain I didn’t do anything to anyone then. I kept to myself and worked on graduating at the top of my class. I also think that overall, I do apologize to people. Honestly, I think that’s another symptom of the self-esteem issue because inevitably, when something goes wrong, I figure it must be my fault. I’m starting to do that with the break-up with my ex even though I KNOW I’d been unhappy with stuff he was doing. Except that now I’m doubting myself and wondering if he would have done more for me, loved me more, if I had done something differently.

      Good advice with the creative. I am trying. I joined a book club because I love to read. I’m trying to get back into writing by keeping up with this blog. Attempting to learn new recipes to cook. At the same time, it all seems rather forced, as if I’m scheduling in tasks to get through the days. Maybe it just takes a lot more time? I know that’s the right path though and a lot of very smart people have said the same thing. When I get a job, it’ll help. I have a LOT of time right now to sit around and think and get into trouble. Unfortunately, the job market is lousy. Plus, I want a government position as a prosecutor, and just as they say, no one ever gets back to you quickly.


  2. Don’t worry , the bad phase of your life will pass away because nothing is for ever. I have often heard this phrase ‘ happiness is a choice’ , and I sometimes I don’t believe in it but then I think one should give a try to be happy . Even if it’s forced. Try to be happy even if you don’t have any reason and eventually you’ll be a happy person.
    Try this fun test –
    The Lifestyle Test
    How do you live your life?
    http://www.3smartcubes.com/pages/tests/lifestyle-test/lifestyle-test_instructions.asp


  3. paula–sometimes i wonder if i’m just too lazy to be happy. it’s easier to let yourself drop in a funk than to actively seek other passions in your life, things that could make you happy separate from a guy. i have all the pieces for happiness, i just don’t seem to be able to put them together.


  4. I woke up today excited to continue the narrative that is your life. I feel somewhat weird and voyeuristic about knowing all these pieces of your life when I have absolutely no idea who you are, but like any story worth reading, it’s sucked me in.

    That being said, I have a book I think would be a great read for you. That being said, you’re going to have to keep an open mind about the book before you can take anything away from it. It’s called ‘The Mental Game of Baseball’ by Harvey Dorfman. I know, I know. You probably don’t even like baseball. And you’re probably wondering how you could take anything away from a book about it.

    The purpose of the book is to look at something that’s incredibly psychological (playing baseball) and teaching yourself mental strategies to help yourself succeed at the difficult task. Basically it takes the thought process that makes successful people successful and puts it in the context of baseball. But it delves into mental discipline and the positive self talk that it takes to be successful in life.

    Not sure if any of that will be applicable to your life, but thought I’d throw it out there.


    • haha, believe me, i’m more comfortable with the anonymity. i’ve always had this idea that if i wrote everything down as terribly honest as possible, people might actually identify with what i’m feeling or going through and it would make my journey through life a little less lonely. BUT, i think maybe i’m nuttier than your usual female. at least i’m not boring (the ultimate insult).

      you’re right, i don’t like baseball. or any sports. there might have been a period of time where i could have learned to somewhat enjoy them, but dating my ex killed that. he once watched a football game on new years’ eve and what was also supposed to function as our one year anniversary. i’m sitting there all dolled up drinking champagne and waiting for him to pay attention to me. sports became the other woman in our relationship. so, no sports. but, i’ll check out the book since you’re obviously worried about my mental condition ;-p

      i wonder what you’ll think of my most recent post?


      • You aren’t nuttier than the usual female. Or if you are then I’m right with you, and I don’t believe I’m unusually nutty ; ). Thanks for writing this. I am very much identifying with everything you’ve said. I have been married for 20 years to a man who loves me very much and we have 3 beautiful children; however, I go through phases in my life where I feel very insecure. My husband is a big sports fan and he has lots of friends he likes to hang out with, plus he is a big music lover. He has lots of interests and there are times when I don’t feel like I’m one of them. I feel like he doesn’t notice me or pay attention to me, and goes long periods without giving me real affection. I know I’m pretty and smart and nice and have a lot of good qualities, but when I feel insecure and especially when I drink too much I crave attention. I might be at a bar and I get so much attention from guys and I can tell when they look at me that they think I’m pretty and interesting. That’s like a drug. There have been a couple of times when I’ve been really needy and weak and I’ve started to cheat on my husband. I never let it get too far, but anything is bad enough. I don’t want to be that kind of person, but it’s like the need is so strong that I feel empty and depressed until I get that attention and then I just can’t resist it. My guilt then causes me to confess and then I know my husband loves me because of his reaction. He hasn’t left me. He tries harder to make me happy.


  5. […] think maybe this might be the root of my self-esteem issues. basically, i have so few seemingly unadulterated emotions that i feel like a fake. i can’t […]



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