h1

singledom

February 6, 2011

how can one half of a person be so happy at what she has achieved, and the other half so achingly alone? last weekend i was so busy with different events and people that it wasn’t hard to keep my mind on a leash. but this weekend, no matter how much i will it to love me, my phone remains mute. when i have too much time on my hands, i resent waking up every morning and reaching for no one. if i cook, i halve the recipe because it’s far too much for one person. i hold off watching netflix movies as if i’m waiting for someone. i buy a new see-through nothing even though my only audience is a dog and kitten. i sit on my stylish leather couch in my perfectly decorated contemporary living room and watch the evening light fade to black. everything about my life is waiting for a man who is not there, and may never be.

when i consider my future, i know there are so many meaningful things in my life to which i could devote myself. especially as an attorney, there are an unlimited amount of victims to help. and yet somehow, all i can focus on is the thousands of times i will come home to an empty house, a dinner alone, a cold bed. i hurt sometimes with this desire to just BE with someone. literally actually—my cunt aches.

hopefully things change when i start work. i certainly don’t want to feel like my life is filler time until i meet a guy, especially since that kind of shallowness would not support anyone’s attention anyway. i have a feeling if i just had one gal pal to take on the city, i wouldn’t feel so desperately lonely. unfortunately, all my girlfriends are adorably paired-off. oh, how disgustingly adorably.

in other news, it has been exactly six months and three days since i have had sex.

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4 comments

  1. use your hands? toys?


  2. Swagger. You’re well-spoken, have a rockin’ job, and, by the sounds of it, are a good lookin’ young lady. You need more swagger. I have no idea why you feel you need a ‘guy’ to define you. You have enough going for you that you define yourself. Seriously. Mad swagger.


    • this made me glow, thank you. sometimes i feel a little amorphous identity-wise, or i can’t always see my worth until it’s reflected in someone else’s eyes. it was nice when i was dating someone, i felt needed. but you’re right, i have a lot of good points to focus on. i think i’m still learning how to live, but getting better little by little. writing shit out definitely helps 🙂



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