Archive for the ‘men/women’ Category

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will my streak continue and no doesn’t mean yes

September 2, 2014

cyberfriends, wish me luck.

i have just begun trial on a defendant that may be seriously demented. he refuses to plead out the case and keeps smiling at me from where he’s handcuffed across the room. really makes a girl feel special when a rapist focuses on you…and by special, i mean paranoid enough to contemplate buying a gun in case everything goes wrong and he’s released. meanwhile the judge is driving me up a wall, across the ceiling, and down the other side. makes a girl rather desperate to get rid of an otherwise good case.

but it is not to be. hopefully by this time next week, the jury will know him for the freak he is, the victim can put this behind her, and i can be released from a case that has been dogging me for over a year.

in other news, it’s very scary how many guys came up with “no means yes” while i was questioning them for jury selection. yet again makes me wonder what it’s like in a man’s brain. this isn’t oh baby, i’ll pretend to fight you and you hold me down for some racy sexy-wexy time. everyone knows what’s going on there. it’s not confusing. when a girl says no and starts crying, that’s a no, not an invitation to change her mind/pretend you didn’t see/turn her around so you don’t have to. nor are you entitled to sex just because you’re in a relationship, or because you feel like the big man who takes care of her financially so of course she “owes” you. consider, men, for a second what it would be like to have someone invade YOUR body when you don’t want them to. what it’s like to be a woman where sex means trusting and submitting yourself to a man. how humiliating and dirty and used that would make you feel when he takes what you haven’t given him.

on that pleasant note, i still have to work to do. sigh.

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mp’s response–you are talking out of your ass

February 9, 2011

haha, so here’s an exact reproduction of mp’s response:

i don’t know why you get a negative vibe from me…i’m a positive person!

don’t take this the wrong way – but i’m leaning towards you talking out of your ass…or at least not understanding what (real) happiness is.

while i think emotional (and biological) “happiness” is relative – you have varying amounts of chemicals in your bloodstream and brain which signal that you are happy – real happiness is a state that is unprovoked.  you can be happy in response to something, but this is only a temporary condition.  spending time with loved ones, accomplishing something, or exercising.  even shorter term, drugs and pharmaceuticals can also cause one to feel this way.

in my opinion, contentedness does not correlate with happiness.  i feel that true happiness comes through detachment.  this is a theme seen in many world religions, like buddhism, hinduism, bahai, and even christianity – i belive with good reason.  unhappiness derives from suffering.  suffering comes from desire.  then to eliminate unhappiness, the goal should be to eliminate desire (or, i guess, at least to be content with nothing – so maybe contentedness does have something to do with it).  one thing that i think to myself regularly: if my job, my family, my possessions, and everyone and everything i knew were taken away from me, would i be happy?  for me, im not sure.  but i feel like i am getting there.

i think without this “inner” happiness, every person will be the wrong person.  i experienced this in my own life.  for the longest time i felt lonely, and wanted to have someone.  it wasn’t until i stopped caring about what others could give me when things fell into place.  the person who i am with now doesn’t MAKE me happy.  she does, however, enhance my already happy state.

i want to see what others think, then i’ll formulate my thoughts a bit more. and, thank you mp for creating such a lively discussion! really appreciate the response. i hope you don’t mind being featured here. i would have asked first but you don’t have an email associated with your name. oh well 😉

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in response to a comment

February 9, 2011

i originally wrote this as an answer to a comment on “the road of lost innocence.” however, because its subject departs from the point of that very serious post, i thought i’d reproduce a more eloquent version of my answer here rather than taking more focus away from the Somaly Mam Foundation.

the comment was,

i’m confident that people aren’t happy with someone unless they’d be happy without them, anyhow. mp

this comment related more to my recent singledom post where i moan and groan about being lonely and boyfriend-less. anyway, i’ve heard variations of this maxim and even used it myself a few times. but i think, on deeper reflection, that it’s too simplistic a rule.

  1. first, humans are social creatures. i don’t think we’re meant to spend large amounts of time by ourselves. through the ages, there has been a progression from how people used to live in close-knit households and communities, to the sort of lives a lot of us now lead—flying solo in our own apartments and marrying late in life, if at all. in some places like india, you still see extended families living together and on top of each other, no one having their own room or privacy. now we come home every day to empty apartments. freedom, yes, but the concession we make for our privacy is greater distance, geographically and emotionally, from the people around us. that’s why, to me, it makes sense that when you have that BEST best friend to be particularly close to, it’s possible to finally achieve the content that was still somewhat out of reach when single. i don’t think this is true for everyone. it’s the closeness, the connectedness to people, that we need, and for some people that doesn’t have to be through a relationship.
  2. i think happiness is a kind of complex state-of-being that doesn’t necessarily preclude feeling lonely sometimes. they aren’t mutually exclusive. i see happiness as the measure of your overall emotional state—a sort of mathematical average of your week or month that allows for a few blips.
  3. also, i see happiness as somewhat relative. i’m the happiest i’ve ever been in my life. monday, i took my dog for a long walk and came to realize that i was just randomly grinning. yesterday, i spent a very wonderful day with my grandparents celebrating their 56th anniversary (olive garden + 500 card rummy and family gossip = bliss). and these aren’t isolated incidents of happiness. so i would say that despite my bouts of loneliness, i am happy. if i had the right person in my life, i could be even happier. it’s really just about a level of contentedness. obviously, if you’re suicidal, no significant other in the world is going to make you happy. but if you’re a glass-85%-full happy, i think that’s enough.

what do you think? i might be talking out of my ass or making excuses.

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singledom

February 6, 2011

how can one half of a person be so happy at what she has achieved, and the other half so achingly alone? last weekend i was so busy with different events and people that it wasn’t hard to keep my mind on a leash. but this weekend, no matter how much i will it to love me, my phone remains mute. when i have too much time on my hands, i resent waking up every morning and reaching for no one. if i cook, i halve the recipe because it’s far too much for one person. i hold off watching netflix movies as if i’m waiting for someone. i buy a new see-through nothing even though my only audience is a dog and kitten. i sit on my stylish leather couch in my perfectly decorated contemporary living room and watch the evening light fade to black. everything about my life is waiting for a man who is not there, and may never be.

when i consider my future, i know there are so many meaningful things in my life to which i could devote myself. especially as an attorney, there are an unlimited amount of victims to help. and yet somehow, all i can focus on is the thousands of times i will come home to an empty house, a dinner alone, a cold bed. i hurt sometimes with this desire to just BE with someone. literally actually—my cunt aches.

hopefully things change when i start work. i certainly don’t want to feel like my life is filler time until i meet a guy, especially since that kind of shallowness would not support anyone’s attention anyway. i have a feeling if i just had one gal pal to take on the city, i wouldn’t feel so desperately lonely. unfortunately, all my girlfriends are adorably paired-off. oh, how disgustingly adorably.

in other news, it has been exactly six months and three days since i have had sex.

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the Match.com files part 1

January 25, 2011

a few months ago, i decided to try match.com. i spent $34.99, wasted a great deal of time, waded through a ridiculous amount of crappy emails, and went on five dates before i decided that i was completely fine being alone and sex-less if the alternative was online dating.

7 reasons why match.com (and possibly other datings sites?) sucks the big one:

1. it’s expensive. for just one month, it’s $34.99. for three, it’s $19.99 which sounds better, except then you come out having paid $60 for the most awkward interactions of your life.

2. if you don’t pay for a subscription, your profile is displayed in searches, but you can’t answer or in any way communicate with people who message you. so here i am, a paid subscriber, messaging cute guys who never answer me. i have no way of knowing whether or not they find me completely unattractive or just aren’t a paid subscriber. this means my ego gets to go on a wild roller coaster ride.

3. at least if you’re a girl, you get dozens of emails and winks EVERY DAY. sounds great right? think again. if you’re lucky, one out of 30 emails and winks will be someone who looks like a possibility. here is one of my favorites, reproduced exactly as written, fucked up commas and all, except that i made the font blue:

an Admirer
WOW!!

“WHAT A PROFILE”

YOU DO SOUND SO VERY GENUINE .

I am the breed you can only pray for in a loyal companion -Wit ,Gentlemanly,passionate,loving and I dance salsa aswell…

First, I must say forgive my pic here (not the best that portrays my handsome self ;-} ) -I need to upload more …so You can see the Man…LoL

THE WEIRD THING IS YOUR PROFILE IS THE ONE THAT LEADS ME TO FEEL THAT IF WE TALK 15 MINUTES WE ARE GOING TO HIT IT OFF..

Only fair to first tell you the whole me

Here goes :

ME-

Medical Professional and a business owner.

Great family !!

Tried THIS for 30 day trial about 16 months ago then stopped cause thought it was fruitless.then 3 months after a friend at the hospital coached me on to try a longer period so I gave it 3 months -and talked to 2 people and met 1 {no interest or chemistry felt} then it expired and did not renew for another few month and just decided to travel and enjoy life for abit (I went to san diego ,nyc ,boston ,Rhode Island,marthas vineyard etc..just had a great time)

Recently I met a few members and had coffee and found no real common ground or attraction in person.

Thats it “… not easy to find when beauty ” lacks within ” on most ..

Chemistry,honesty,intelligence and humor are important and so difficult to find in a woman .

I enjoy intelligence and substance inside the woman I seek .

What else can I say but it’s hard nowadays to find the Quality factor in a human being.

What I would give to find a real beauty is everything ….

Real Treasures are in relationships that start with a valuable partner.

warm regards,

———

i have no idea why he uses quotation marks as he does, why he can’t space a comma correctly, or why he feels the need to tell me about previous match.com failures. obviously, i didn’t answer this email, but this is a very determined/desperate/socially-inept man—he emailed me another four times before i finally got annoyed and told him there was no way i was interested. besides this ludicrous email, he was 47 and divorced. my profile specifically stated that my age parameters cut off at 32 and that i would not date a divorcee.

4. which brings me to another stupid match.com trait: you can’t limit who messages you by age, location, or other characteristic. i would say that 50% of the emails i received every day were from gross old geezers who had no business contacting a 25-year-old. shame on them.

5. nor can you avoid the whole business by hiding your profile. if you hide your profile, sure you can email people, but they can’t see your information so it defeats the entire purpose of the dating site. as someone in the legal field, i didn’t want my photo and “about me” sections plastered all over this site for people i might know to see. but i also didn’t want to waste the $34.99 i already paid, so there i was, naked to the world. and yes, three people i know contacted me and said, “hey i saw you on match!”. fan-fucking-tastic.

6. i think this particular reason is going to make me sound like an elitist, but hey, i probably am. i found that the vast majority of guys on here were uneducated. i love intellectual guys. let me point out here that “intellectual” is different than “intelligent”. i like guys who enjoy a good book, can write and speak eloquently, and don’t think that nietzsche is a russian dessert. my life revolves around more academic pursuits and i don’t think it’s somehow mean and shortsighted to say that i don’t want to date a mechanic, even a very intelligent one. i am aware that there are plenty of very intelligent guys who for whatever reason did not go to college. there are also plenty of idiots who did go. but of the intelligent guys out there, the ones i’d want to date are the worldly, sophisticated types who overwhelmingly have gone to college and probably grad school. these are not the guys on match.com.

7. even when you finally find a few decent possibilities in the morass of HELL-no, it can go very wrong. you email back and forth a few times, text a bit, and decide to meet. i lasted five dates before i made the command decision to delete my match.com profile. and no, they weren’t all awful. two were ok, but the overall awkward and stilted nature of the dates and fact that no one appears to be the same person described in their profiles just makes me tired. dating should be fun, not energy-draining. stay tuned for a date-by-date breakdown of the five guys who appeared to be the cream of the match crop.

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genital herpes = huge threat

October 14, 2010

hearing from a friend about her friend whose girlfriend cheated on him, contracted genital herpes, and then gave it to him (drama, drama) led me on a steadily more horrifying research trail. forget about the obviously alarming but treatable STDs—apparently one in five people (and another site stated one in four) have genital herpes. that shit doesn’t go away.

reading those stats, my heart thumped hard in my chest.

i never knew it was so prevalent. worse, I didn’t know half of the other alarming traits about herpes which have since wreaked havoc with my hypochondria-addled brain. some fun facts:

  • you don’t need to have sex to get herpes. not even oral sex. skin-to-skin contact is enough. kissing is enough. (fuck).
  • building on that first point, using condoms may not help you since it may not cover your partner’s entire infected area
  • women are four times as likely to get herpes from a male partner than the other way around (can’t find where i read this, but i’m certain i remember it correctly—it’s burned into my brain at this point)
  • most people do not even realize they have herpes because they are asymptomatic. and if they don’t know, you definitely don’t know
  • even for those who do exhibit symptoms, they don’t have to be having an outbreak to infect you
  • symptoms vary person-to-person, and they often resemble other issues—bug bites, ingrown hairs, the flu, UTIs, yeast infections, other STDs
  • testing for herpes is not very clear-cut. if you have sores on your genitals, it’s far easier to come to the correct diagnosis by taking a sample and testing it. the problem is that many people never get sores, and herpes breakouts only occur a few times a year for those who do. blood tests can be helpful, but they only test for herpes antibodies created to fight the disease—meaning that if you test too early, those antibodies won’t be present. apparently it can take as long as three months from the date of infection before antibodies are made (scroll near the bottom). finally, there are a lot of false-positives and false-negatives for these tests (and these tests are expensive)

let’s break all that information down to its scary and shitty conclusion: you can be careful, never sleep with strange, heck never even sleep with someone, and still get herpes. in fact, you could have gotten both of your boyfriends tested before sleeping with them (what i did), and they may still have this disease because the tests are not clear-cut and timing is essential. great. i’ve now spent most of the day checking out my girl parts in a hand mirror trying to figure out if that’s razor burn or herpes. unfortunately, i’ve only ever looked at myself one other time so i can’t tell if the landscape is different.

that brings me to three other observations:

one, we can’t just go around having sex anymore. forget sexual needs and safe fuck buddies and the whole bit—with at least 20% of the population infected, having sex with someone who hasn’t been tested (and tested correctly and probably multiple times), is playing russian roulette with your sexual well-being.

and also with your psychological well-being: two, there is a major stigma associated with having genital herpes. i would feel so dirty and unlovable if i had it, which is why a lot of people with the disease fail to tell their sexual partners. and yet, apparently somewhere between 20 and 25% of the population has the disease. these are people we know, people we’re screwing, people getting married and having kids. these people might be you and me. so why is there such a cloud over the disease, and why don’t we know more about it?

which brings me to number three, why is our sex education so crappy? here i am thinking i’m being so safe—limited sex to my two boyfriends, rarely had oral sex and used a condom where i didn’t trust the guy as much, got both my boyfriends to submit to an STD test before i would sleep with them—and it’s not enough. and honestly, most of the people i know haven’t been as careful as i am. and these are educated people! i only know a handful of people who have ever even taken a test. telling us ‘use condoms’ isn’t enough and preaching ‘abstinence only’ is a travesty of public health. worse yet, i have never heard that STD tests themselves are unreliable. without that information, we could be walking around with false confidence in our sexual health and infecting strangers, boyfriends—people we love.

i feel like i should go get tested. i did between boyfriend 1 and boyfriend 2. except that with the expense (probably between $100-200 bucks) and the embarrassment of having to go to an STD testing place, i really, really don’t want to. i wish i was still a student and could just go to the student health center. that’s a lot more private than having to walk into planned parenthood, and a heck of a lot less expensive. i know that doesn’t sound very adult, but you don’t have to be or act like an adult to have sex. that’s the problem.

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girls and low self-esteem

October 7, 2010

Is it normal to get super needy and promiscuous after a break-up? So far I’ve only slept with my two ex-boyfriends, but I seem to hit the lower bases with regularity after each break-up. I don’t want to be this weak, un-wholesome girl. What if I really do lose it one night after drinking and sleep with somebody, not just kiss them or let them touch me? As it is, I can’t handle the guilt the day after I do anything and I’ve already screwed around with two guys in the month since I broke up with my ex. I know it only happens when I drink, but there must be something in me just lurking under the surface if it keeps happening. Not drinking would get rid of the symptom (promiscuity) but not the underlying issue (self-esteem). What’s worse is that with this last guy, he said I mentioned “relationship” to him a few times. I don’t want to date this guy!! Why would that even come up? He’s not my type at all, I think I’m just needy for male attention. So of course I can’t see him again and now it’s just another dirty secret stored away in my brain.

This blog isn’t just supposed to be my personal diary, but I’m trying to be honest about what I’m doing (and doing wrong) in life to get at bigger realities. For example, why are so many girls running around with such low self-esteem? I know that’s the root of my problem, but where did it come from? I know I’m a pretty girl. I know I’m a smart girl. And yet, I don’t really feel like I’m worth it. I don’t understand WHY. There are so many girls just like me out there who, at bottom, feel the same way. Heck, guys joke about finding insecure girls because we’re easy to get into bed. We want so badly to be loved but don’t actually think anyone could love us. And for some reason, that translates into promiscuity even though that’s the last way to get a guy, to get love.

Is this an American phenomenon? I don’t know if European girls are doing better. I also don’t know how to solve this kind of problem because I don’t know where it came from. I’m trying to pin-point where exactly in life I lost my self-worth. Do we all have a particular event in our childhood that killed our ability to love ourselves? Did our daddies not love us enough? Or is it just something chemical, just fucked up brain chemistry that we could never control in the first place?

What happened to this girl? It seems that just as I’m building my confidence, I meet a boy and he brings me back down. Other people break up and they don’t question their worth. Why do I?

How can I fix myself if I don’t know exactly why it’s happening?