Posts Tagged ‘best friends’

h1

to my very best friend,

September 10, 2008

i’m writing you an email because i invariably stumble over my words when calling people, especially about important things. i actually wrote a bullet-list of things i wanted to say and thought i’d call you tonight, but i know i’ll chicken out since it might come out wrong. i don’t think you should move to —- for me. i’ve thought about this a LOT the last few days and nights.

i’ve led you on. i swear i didn’t mean to, and maybe after you read this you’ll understand. i think you are one of the most intelligent, quirky, funny, caring, loyal, unique, patient, understanding, deep people i’ve ever met. i respect you, i admire you, i learn from you, and i hope that i’m even half as good to you as you are to me, though i greatly doubt it. sometimes the things you say, the thoughts you have, make me feel like we share part of a brain. i’ve never really felt understood or accepted by people, but you “get me” and somehow manage to overlook all the crazy, out-of-control things i do. i’ve never felt this comfortable, safe, adored, intelligent, funny, or beautiful with another person and it made me want to see what being close to you would be like. i don’t know if i can make you understand, but it feels so amazing to be held by someone you know is worthwhile and good. you’re not some dense, carbon-copy of the twenty-something american male. you like me for more than just my looks. you didn’t run at the first sign of my instability and neediness. i let everything good and bad hang out and you’re still there for me. guys just aren’t like that. it’s an amazing feeling to know you would want to be with me. so, i have to be honest before i screw things up with you even more than i imagine i have since that fateful night at the heaven and hell party (that was the first time, right?). i’ve seen the way you look at me this past week, and i know that look. it’s the look i gave to drew. it’s the look i want to give you, but for all the aggravatingly inexplicable, illogical, and stupid reasons that some people have chemistry and others don’t, i can’t.

i get this…ominous…feeling that i’m going to regret this. after all, how many girls have someone like you willing to uproot himself to a completely different city, far from friends and family, to give a an untried relationship a shot? if i thought that you actually liked and wanted to come to —-, and by implication, —- law, maybe it would be different. but, i don’t think you have any great passion for this city, plus you’ve come twice now and haven’t expressed an interest in seeing the law school or campus. i think you like NYC, DC, pittsburgh, or even cleveland far more.

i don’t know if maybe things might change in the future. you are my best friend, and maybe our timing is just off right now. i really don’t know. i do know that i’m not going to let you chance the possibility of our working out. i think you just need to focus on you. you’re a little lost right now, but you’re an ambitious person and i think you’d be happiest if you were doing something you felt was more worthwhile and which moved you toward that goal you have of supporting your family. although i do think you need to take a lot of that burden off your shoulders. it’s a different time and age, you aren’t and don’t have to be your grandfather.

one of the things i worry most about you is that you give too much for too little. this is why i didn’t appreciate frances, and why i don’t pass the test either. it’s cynical, but i think a lot of the time, this boy/girl stuff boils down to power. make sure you’re with someone who will spoil and like you more than you do them. if possible, try to be an asshole : )

i know i tend to overreact sometimes, so if you don’t actually feel as strongly toward me as this rambling email makes it sound, that’s probably for the best and please feel free to laugh at me. i just ask that you don’t get so upset or uncomfortable that we suddenly don’t talk. i need you. i shouldn’t have risked changing things.

if this gets any longer, i’m going to be accused of that verbosity obama can’t seem to get away from. definitely let me know if something i wrote or did bugs you. i don’t think we should just sweep this under a rug and if you’re hurt, i’d rather you talk it (yell it?) out with me. don’t drink a lot after reading this, don’t read this one hundred times like i would, feel free to curse me, and at some point in the near future, please talk to me.

~bittrsweet

Advertisements