Posts Tagged ‘college’

h1

letter to my roommate

April 22, 2007

so things have gotten out of control with my roommate. i don’t even want to go into what set it off. it’s completely disproportionate to the aftermath.

the facts: she’s stubborn, illogical, crazy. this is said while i’m absolutely logical, sober, etc. she really is nuts. i don’t think she’s bad-hearted or anything like that though.

meanwhile, i’m short-tempered, impulsive, awkward, and also stubborn. this has led to an almost two month silence between us. mind you, we live in the same small apartment.

i decided to write her a letter and stick it under her door since i’m way too intimidated to approach her and she hasn’t tried to talk to me. here it is, names changed of course:

Tiffany,

I’m typing this because I know my handwriting is atrocious.

I hung out with Rhonda, who, good-hearted person that she is, is trying to urge me to be the same. I’ll be honest: I don’t want to be friends with you. We had something for a while; you were outgoing and fun, I was shy and serious—we worked. Well it doesn’t anymore. I don’t agree with anything you say or do, and you vice versa. That’s fine, we’re just different people. I have my issues, and you have yours. I think that we actually have a lot of the same problems. Insecurity, etc. But we don’t face them the same way, and honestly, I don’t think either of us is effective in dealing with our issues. I can say that I haven’t been the best friend to you. I’m too self-involved, trying to work out everything that’s wrong with me and sometimes stuff I think you need to talk/work out, I wasn’t there. I don’t even know if this makes sense to you. I just feel like sometimes you put on a tough front when you’re not really sure of things, i.e. you’re future, weight, etc. I’m not saying any of this to offend you. You know me, I can’t stand my body and agonize over every event in my life. But, I never tried to help you with your stuff, I just let it go because I didn’t want to get into an argument or hurt your feelings or make life harder for myself during an attempt to make you cognizant of something maybe not so healthy for you.

That said, just because I don’t want to be friends with you doesn’t mean I hate you. Frustrated, yes. I know this last fight was half me and half you. My problem was that you wanted to make it one hundred percent me. I know it’s not. I will not blame all our issues on me and if you are then you need to take a good look at yourself.

That’s over though. At this point I’m just taking my cues from you. I’ll act however you want me to. I didn’t send you the email about senior week because I wanted to look good to the other girls. Girls talk—or at least I do—and I’m sure they know we’ve had issues. We have the same friends and I don’t want to make it uncomfortable or exclude you. As it is, everything’s split between all of us even more because of Susan and Katharine. And I also worry that maybe you don’t hang out with say Kristine or Jessie as much just because I DO hang out with them. It’s your senior year too and I’m not trying to take that away from you. I was trying to be fair and I’m hurt you would think otherwise. I don’t always do the right or the adult thing, but I don’t purposely plan out things to hurt people. Whenever I do end up doing something mean, it’s impulsive bad-temperedness that I regret afterwards.

If you go to senior week (and you should), I won’t make things weird as long as you don’t. Like I said, I’ll take my cues from you. If I think you hate me (which I do think), I’ll go ice and ignore you completely because I don’t know what else to do. As I did today while I was sitting in the lounge. We don’t have to be friends to be nice to each other. It would be cool if we could hang out in the same room without being too uncomfortable. Or making things uncomfortable for our mutual friends. Example, it’s Kristine’s birthday soon and I’m sure she’d want all her friends to be there. Or Rhonda who gets caught in between our different sides of the story.

It was weird today. You know I didn’t ever realize that it was you who came back with Susan? Rhonda didn’t either because we didn’t see your face. When I came into Susan’s room, I didn’t realize either. Sounds dumb, but Katharine said Susan went out with her cousin, so in my unobservant state, I thought you were her cousin. Then Susan told me but it seemed strange to just come up to you and say Hi considering we pretend we’re living alone here. It doesn’t feel right to ignore someone in the room with you, same APARTMENT as you, and I’d rather not do it anymore.

There’s a lot of other stuff I think and feel about this situation, but I don’t even know if you care or if it matters so this is it. It’s not as if I wish you badly. I hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for. I know that the only thing keeping me going IS going to Miami Law and my new start-over life there. Otherwise, I’m pretty lost. I hope you find something like that.

That’s about it,

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wonder what tomorrow will bring? if anything. haha, what if it’s too long she doesn’t even finish reading it?

am i trying too hard? i don’t like her, but i don’t want her to be miserable. maybe she doesn’t even care about any of this like i do. maybe she hasn’t even thought about it.  maybe i’m being completely overdramatic and illogical with the entire letter even though my intentions were the exact opposite.

maybe i’m doing all this to feel better about myself. maybe it’s partly this and partly really wanting to be nice. and of course, i’m overthinking all of this while she’s dead asleep in the next room.