Posts Tagged ‘friendship’

h1

to my very best friend,

September 10, 2008

i’m writing you an email because i invariably stumble over my words when calling people, especially about important things. i actually wrote a bullet-list of things i wanted to say and thought i’d call you tonight, but i know i’ll chicken out since it might come out wrong. i don’t think you should move to —- for me. i’ve thought about this a LOT the last few days and nights.

i’ve led you on. i swear i didn’t mean to, and maybe after you read this you’ll understand. i think you are one of the most intelligent, quirky, funny, caring, loyal, unique, patient, understanding, deep people i’ve ever met. i respect you, i admire you, i learn from you, and i hope that i’m even half as good to you as you are to me, though i greatly doubt it. sometimes the things you say, the thoughts you have, make me feel like we share part of a brain. i’ve never really felt understood or accepted by people, but you “get me” and somehow manage to overlook all the crazy, out-of-control things i do. i’ve never felt this comfortable, safe, adored, intelligent, funny, or beautiful with another person and it made me want to see what being close to you would be like. i don’t know if i can make you understand, but it feels so amazing to be held by someone you know is worthwhile and good. you’re not some dense, carbon-copy of the twenty-something american male. you like me for more than just my looks. you didn’t run at the first sign of my instability and neediness. i let everything good and bad hang out and you’re still there for me. guys just aren’t like that. it’s an amazing feeling to know you would want to be with me. so, i have to be honest before i screw things up with you even more than i imagine i have since that fateful night at the heaven and hell party (that was the first time, right?). i’ve seen the way you look at me this past week, and i know that look. it’s the look i gave to drew. it’s the look i want to give you, but for all the aggravatingly inexplicable, illogical, and stupid reasons that some people have chemistry and others don’t, i can’t.

i get this…ominous…feeling that i’m going to regret this. after all, how many girls have someone like you willing to uproot himself to a completely different city, far from friends and family, to give a an untried relationship a shot? if i thought that you actually liked and wanted to come to —-, and by implication, —- law, maybe it would be different. but, i don’t think you have any great passion for this city, plus you’ve come twice now and haven’t expressed an interest in seeing the law school or campus. i think you like NYC, DC, pittsburgh, or even cleveland far more.

i don’t know if maybe things might change in the future. you are my best friend, and maybe our timing is just off right now. i really don’t know. i do know that i’m not going to let you chance the possibility of our working out. i think you just need to focus on you. you’re a little lost right now, but you’re an ambitious person and i think you’d be happiest if you were doing something you felt was more worthwhile and which moved you toward that goal you have of supporting your family. although i do think you need to take a lot of that burden off your shoulders. it’s a different time and age, you aren’t and don’t have to be your grandfather.

one of the things i worry most about you is that you give too much for too little. this is why i didn’t appreciate frances, and why i don’t pass the test either. it’s cynical, but i think a lot of the time, this boy/girl stuff boils down to power. make sure you’re with someone who will spoil and like you more than you do them. if possible, try to be an asshole : )

i know i tend to overreact sometimes, so if you don’t actually feel as strongly toward me as this rambling email makes it sound, that’s probably for the best and please feel free to laugh at me. i just ask that you don’t get so upset or uncomfortable that we suddenly don’t talk. i need you. i shouldn’t have risked changing things.

if this gets any longer, i’m going to be accused of that verbosity obama can’t seem to get away from. definitely let me know if something i wrote or did bugs you. i don’t think we should just sweep this under a rug and if you’re hurt, i’d rather you talk it (yell it?) out with me. don’t drink a lot after reading this, don’t read this one hundred times like i would, feel free to curse me, and at some point in the near future, please talk to me.

~bittrsweet

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h1

letter to my roommate

April 22, 2007

so things have gotten out of control with my roommate. i don’t even want to go into what set it off. it’s completely disproportionate to the aftermath.

the facts: she’s stubborn, illogical, crazy. this is said while i’m absolutely logical, sober, etc. she really is nuts. i don’t think she’s bad-hearted or anything like that though.

meanwhile, i’m short-tempered, impulsive, awkward, and also stubborn. this has led to an almost two month silence between us. mind you, we live in the same small apartment.

i decided to write her a letter and stick it under her door since i’m way too intimidated to approach her and she hasn’t tried to talk to me. here it is, names changed of course:

Tiffany,

I’m typing this because I know my handwriting is atrocious.

I hung out with Rhonda, who, good-hearted person that she is, is trying to urge me to be the same. I’ll be honest: I don’t want to be friends with you. We had something for a while; you were outgoing and fun, I was shy and serious—we worked. Well it doesn’t anymore. I don’t agree with anything you say or do, and you vice versa. That’s fine, we’re just different people. I have my issues, and you have yours. I think that we actually have a lot of the same problems. Insecurity, etc. But we don’t face them the same way, and honestly, I don’t think either of us is effective in dealing with our issues. I can say that I haven’t been the best friend to you. I’m too self-involved, trying to work out everything that’s wrong with me and sometimes stuff I think you need to talk/work out, I wasn’t there. I don’t even know if this makes sense to you. I just feel like sometimes you put on a tough front when you’re not really sure of things, i.e. you’re future, weight, etc. I’m not saying any of this to offend you. You know me, I can’t stand my body and agonize over every event in my life. But, I never tried to help you with your stuff, I just let it go because I didn’t want to get into an argument or hurt your feelings or make life harder for myself during an attempt to make you cognizant of something maybe not so healthy for you.

That said, just because I don’t want to be friends with you doesn’t mean I hate you. Frustrated, yes. I know this last fight was half me and half you. My problem was that you wanted to make it one hundred percent me. I know it’s not. I will not blame all our issues on me and if you are then you need to take a good look at yourself.

That’s over though. At this point I’m just taking my cues from you. I’ll act however you want me to. I didn’t send you the email about senior week because I wanted to look good to the other girls. Girls talk—or at least I do—and I’m sure they know we’ve had issues. We have the same friends and I don’t want to make it uncomfortable or exclude you. As it is, everything’s split between all of us even more because of Susan and Katharine. And I also worry that maybe you don’t hang out with say Kristine or Jessie as much just because I DO hang out with them. It’s your senior year too and I’m not trying to take that away from you. I was trying to be fair and I’m hurt you would think otherwise. I don’t always do the right or the adult thing, but I don’t purposely plan out things to hurt people. Whenever I do end up doing something mean, it’s impulsive bad-temperedness that I regret afterwards.

If you go to senior week (and you should), I won’t make things weird as long as you don’t. Like I said, I’ll take my cues from you. If I think you hate me (which I do think), I’ll go ice and ignore you completely because I don’t know what else to do. As I did today while I was sitting in the lounge. We don’t have to be friends to be nice to each other. It would be cool if we could hang out in the same room without being too uncomfortable. Or making things uncomfortable for our mutual friends. Example, it’s Kristine’s birthday soon and I’m sure she’d want all her friends to be there. Or Rhonda who gets caught in between our different sides of the story.

It was weird today. You know I didn’t ever realize that it was you who came back with Susan? Rhonda didn’t either because we didn’t see your face. When I came into Susan’s room, I didn’t realize either. Sounds dumb, but Katharine said Susan went out with her cousin, so in my unobservant state, I thought you were her cousin. Then Susan told me but it seemed strange to just come up to you and say Hi considering we pretend we’re living alone here. It doesn’t feel right to ignore someone in the room with you, same APARTMENT as you, and I’d rather not do it anymore.

There’s a lot of other stuff I think and feel about this situation, but I don’t even know if you care or if it matters so this is it. It’s not as if I wish you badly. I hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for. I know that the only thing keeping me going IS going to Miami Law and my new start-over life there. Otherwise, I’m pretty lost. I hope you find something like that.

That’s about it,

bittrsweet

wonder what tomorrow will bring? if anything. haha, what if it’s too long she doesn’t even finish reading it?

am i trying too hard? i don’t like her, but i don’t want her to be miserable. maybe she doesn’t even care about any of this like i do. maybe she hasn’t even thought about it.  maybe i’m being completely overdramatic and illogical with the entire letter even though my intentions were the exact opposite.

maybe i’m doing all this to feel better about myself. maybe it’s partly this and partly really wanting to be nice. and of course, i’m overthinking all of this while she’s dead asleep in the next room.