Posts Tagged ‘men/women’

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mp’s response–you are talking out of your ass

February 9, 2011

haha, so here’s an exact reproduction of mp’s response:

i don’t know why you get a negative vibe from me…i’m a positive person!

don’t take this the wrong way – but i’m leaning towards you talking out of your ass…or at least not understanding what (real) happiness is.

while i think emotional (and biological) “happiness” is relative – you have varying amounts of chemicals in your bloodstream and brain which signal that you are happy – real happiness is a state that is unprovoked.  you can be happy in response to something, but this is only a temporary condition.  spending time with loved ones, accomplishing something, or exercising.  even shorter term, drugs and pharmaceuticals can also cause one to feel this way.

in my opinion, contentedness does not correlate with happiness.  i feel that true happiness comes through detachment.  this is a theme seen in many world religions, like buddhism, hinduism, bahai, and even christianity – i belive with good reason.  unhappiness derives from suffering.  suffering comes from desire.  then to eliminate unhappiness, the goal should be to eliminate desire (or, i guess, at least to be content with nothing – so maybe contentedness does have something to do with it).  one thing that i think to myself regularly: if my job, my family, my possessions, and everyone and everything i knew were taken away from me, would i be happy?  for me, im not sure.  but i feel like i am getting there.

i think without this “inner” happiness, every person will be the wrong person.  i experienced this in my own life.  for the longest time i felt lonely, and wanted to have someone.  it wasn’t until i stopped caring about what others could give me when things fell into place.  the person who i am with now doesn’t MAKE me happy.  she does, however, enhance my already happy state.

i want to see what others think, then i’ll formulate my thoughts a bit more. and, thank you mp for creating such a lively discussion! really appreciate the response. i hope you don’t mind being featured here. i would have asked first but you don’t have an email associated with your name. oh well 😉

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in response to a comment

February 9, 2011

i originally wrote this as an answer to a comment on “the road of lost innocence.” however, because its subject departs from the point of that very serious post, i thought i’d reproduce a more eloquent version of my answer here rather than taking more focus away from the Somaly Mam Foundation.

the comment was,

i’m confident that people aren’t happy with someone unless they’d be happy without them, anyhow. mp

this comment related more to my recent singledom post where i moan and groan about being lonely and boyfriend-less. anyway, i’ve heard variations of this maxim and even used it myself a few times. but i think, on deeper reflection, that it’s too simplistic a rule.

  1. first, humans are social creatures. i don’t think we’re meant to spend large amounts of time by ourselves. through the ages, there has been a progression from how people used to live in close-knit households and communities, to the sort of lives a lot of us now lead—flying solo in our own apartments and marrying late in life, if at all. in some places like india, you still see extended families living together and on top of each other, no one having their own room or privacy. now we come home every day to empty apartments. freedom, yes, but the concession we make for our privacy is greater distance, geographically and emotionally, from the people around us. that’s why, to me, it makes sense that when you have that BEST best friend to be particularly close to, it’s possible to finally achieve the content that was still somewhat out of reach when single. i don’t think this is true for everyone. it’s the closeness, the connectedness to people, that we need, and for some people that doesn’t have to be through a relationship.
  2. i think happiness is a kind of complex state-of-being that doesn’t necessarily preclude feeling lonely sometimes. they aren’t mutually exclusive. i see happiness as the measure of your overall emotional state—a sort of mathematical average of your week or month that allows for a few blips.
  3. also, i see happiness as somewhat relative. i’m the happiest i’ve ever been in my life. monday, i took my dog for a long walk and came to realize that i was just randomly grinning. yesterday, i spent a very wonderful day with my grandparents celebrating their 56th anniversary (olive garden + 500 card rummy and family gossip = bliss). and these aren’t isolated incidents of happiness. so i would say that despite my bouts of loneliness, i am happy. if i had the right person in my life, i could be even happier. it’s really just about a level of contentedness. obviously, if you’re suicidal, no significant other in the world is going to make you happy. but if you’re a glass-85%-full happy, i think that’s enough.

what do you think? i might be talking out of my ass or making excuses.

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the Match.com files part 1

January 25, 2011

a few months ago, i decided to try match.com. i spent $34.99, wasted a great deal of time, waded through a ridiculous amount of crappy emails, and went on five dates before i decided that i was completely fine being alone and sex-less if the alternative was online dating.

7 reasons why match.com (and possibly other datings sites?) sucks the big one:

1. it’s expensive. for just one month, it’s $34.99. for three, it’s $19.99 which sounds better, except then you come out having paid $60 for the most awkward interactions of your life.

2. if you don’t pay for a subscription, your profile is displayed in searches, but you can’t answer or in any way communicate with people who message you. so here i am, a paid subscriber, messaging cute guys who never answer me. i have no way of knowing whether or not they find me completely unattractive or just aren’t a paid subscriber. this means my ego gets to go on a wild roller coaster ride.

3. at least if you’re a girl, you get dozens of emails and winks EVERY DAY. sounds great right? think again. if you’re lucky, one out of 30 emails and winks will be someone who looks like a possibility. here is one of my favorites, reproduced exactly as written, fucked up commas and all, except that i made the font blue:

an Admirer
WOW!!

“WHAT A PROFILE”

YOU DO SOUND SO VERY GENUINE .

I am the breed you can only pray for in a loyal companion -Wit ,Gentlemanly,passionate,loving and I dance salsa aswell…

First, I must say forgive my pic here (not the best that portrays my handsome self ;-} ) -I need to upload more …so You can see the Man…LoL

THE WEIRD THING IS YOUR PROFILE IS THE ONE THAT LEADS ME TO FEEL THAT IF WE TALK 15 MINUTES WE ARE GOING TO HIT IT OFF..

Only fair to first tell you the whole me

Here goes :

ME-

Medical Professional and a business owner.

Great family !!

Tried THIS for 30 day trial about 16 months ago then stopped cause thought it was fruitless.then 3 months after a friend at the hospital coached me on to try a longer period so I gave it 3 months -and talked to 2 people and met 1 {no interest or chemistry felt} then it expired and did not renew for another few month and just decided to travel and enjoy life for abit (I went to san diego ,nyc ,boston ,Rhode Island,marthas vineyard etc..just had a great time)

Recently I met a few members and had coffee and found no real common ground or attraction in person.

Thats it “… not easy to find when beauty ” lacks within ” on most ..

Chemistry,honesty,intelligence and humor are important and so difficult to find in a woman .

I enjoy intelligence and substance inside the woman I seek .

What else can I say but it’s hard nowadays to find the Quality factor in a human being.

What I would give to find a real beauty is everything ….

Real Treasures are in relationships that start with a valuable partner.

warm regards,

———

i have no idea why he uses quotation marks as he does, why he can’t space a comma correctly, or why he feels the need to tell me about previous match.com failures. obviously, i didn’t answer this email, but this is a very determined/desperate/socially-inept man—he emailed me another four times before i finally got annoyed and told him there was no way i was interested. besides this ludicrous email, he was 47 and divorced. my profile specifically stated that my age parameters cut off at 32 and that i would not date a divorcee.

4. which brings me to another stupid match.com trait: you can’t limit who messages you by age, location, or other characteristic. i would say that 50% of the emails i received every day were from gross old geezers who had no business contacting a 25-year-old. shame on them.

5. nor can you avoid the whole business by hiding your profile. if you hide your profile, sure you can email people, but they can’t see your information so it defeats the entire purpose of the dating site. as someone in the legal field, i didn’t want my photo and “about me” sections plastered all over this site for people i might know to see. but i also didn’t want to waste the $34.99 i already paid, so there i was, naked to the world. and yes, three people i know contacted me and said, “hey i saw you on match!”. fan-fucking-tastic.

6. i think this particular reason is going to make me sound like an elitist, but hey, i probably am. i found that the vast majority of guys on here were uneducated. i love intellectual guys. let me point out here that “intellectual” is different than “intelligent”. i like guys who enjoy a good book, can write and speak eloquently, and don’t think that nietzsche is a russian dessert. my life revolves around more academic pursuits and i don’t think it’s somehow mean and shortsighted to say that i don’t want to date a mechanic, even a very intelligent one. i am aware that there are plenty of very intelligent guys who for whatever reason did not go to college. there are also plenty of idiots who did go. but of the intelligent guys out there, the ones i’d want to date are the worldly, sophisticated types who overwhelmingly have gone to college and probably grad school. these are not the guys on match.com.

7. even when you finally find a few decent possibilities in the morass of HELL-no, it can go very wrong. you email back and forth a few times, text a bit, and decide to meet. i lasted five dates before i made the command decision to delete my match.com profile. and no, they weren’t all awful. two were ok, but the overall awkward and stilted nature of the dates and fact that no one appears to be the same person described in their profiles just makes me tired. dating should be fun, not energy-draining. stay tuned for a date-by-date breakdown of the five guys who appeared to be the cream of the match crop.

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How NOT to get past your ex…

October 3, 2010

A smart girl would do everything in her power to end contact with her ex. What am I doing? Talking to him for hours on AIM. Very healthy of me.

He seems to think that since we were each others’ best friends, we shouldn’t end all contact. Plus, we’re going to get thrown together anyway because of mutual friends. What do I think? I think that even though I know he’s not right for me, I still love him. And even though I wanted to break up with him, today I kept checking on AIM to see when he signed on and whether he would message me. That’s not a good sign. Does anyone else see me getting over him this way? No.

Honestly though, I have no discipline. I stubbornly still want to talk to him. I want him in my life. And another awesome part of me wants him in my life so he can see when I get someone ELSE in my life. Please tell me other people  have petty thoughts like this. I have them all the time. I try not to act on most things, but I’m not sure if just having them makes me a bad person.

Some girl I don’t know posted on his Facebook wall. I felt immediate, scorching jealousy. And this weekend, he’s going to visit his college friends, meaning lots of drinking and possibly meeting other girls. Seeing more green. I mean seriously, how old am I?? I just became an ATTORNEY and I’m staring daggers at some girl’s photo because she left a friendly message on my EX’S wall?! Even if you can get past this whole ludicrous jealousy revolving around FACEBOOK, why am I so upset over a guy I know wasn’t giving me what I needed?

I was doing really well actually. I managed a month without any contact. Took him out of my phone, took him off AIM. Then a friend of ours was in town and we all got together. We all had an amazing time. I started remembering why I had liked this guy in the first place. My girlfriend crashed in the second bedroom, and since he valet parked his car at my place, I told him he could set up the airbed in the living room. We were fine, laughing and talking one minute—and then suddenly we were screaming at each other. I really don’t know what happened. Honestly, neither of us can remember. I don’t know who started it and we were both wasted. We had never yelled at each other during the entire year and eight months we were together. We had never said anything this terrible to each other. It was madness.

I asked him to leave. I sent him what was an amazingly coherent email trying to explain my anger and understand what happened. He called in the morning and apologized and told me he wanted to be friends and he was sure he’d blown it. We went out to lunch, my idea, to try and fix things. Instead, we didn’t end up talking about anything related to our fight. We just joked around like normal. It could have been any other day from when we were dating. We even went to our favorite Indian buffet. Except, of course, that my eyes were obnoxiously puffy from sobbing my guts away all night. Very visibly so; I actually had to keep my sunglasses on in the restaurant like some punk.

You would think, after the kinds of things he said, that that’s all I would need to cut him off. And yet here I am, talking to him like it’s nothing. And he’s doing the same. In terms of sheer need, he’s more lonely than I am. I have more people to hang out with and I’m dating guys here and there. I know he’s lonely since he’s told me so. I mean what do I think is going to happen? He’s going to realize how awesome I am and suddenly shape up? Tell me he still loves me? Magically mature into a guy ready for real commitment?

See the problem is that I still have Hope. Hope is very often a bad thing. Hope lets you dare to dream that maybe, just maybe, he’ll be like other guys you know. My best girlfriend broke up with her boyfriend for almost eight months before he came running back, sad and contrite, ready to do anything for her. Now they’re very happily engaged, living together and planning their wedding. My other girlfriend broke up with her boyfriend for almost a year (they call it the “hiatus”) before they figured things out and moved in together. But that’s not going to be me. I know it, really. I know he’s not that type. I know he just didn’t and doesn’t love me enough. But that damned Hope, she gets you every fucking time.

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Hey, we’re not the plague

October 3, 2010

Why is it that so many men see women who want to settle down and have a family as something akin to the plague?

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of a year and eight months. We had a lot of problems, not the least of which was that his timeline for our future seemed indeterminate. He had just signed another year’s lease with a roommate, which worried me. I asked him if he felt a need to live by himself for a few years, and if so, how long. He said yes, he probably would want to. So then where did that leave us? He didn’t really have an answer. After we had passed the year mark, I tried to have a talk with him every few months attempting to stress that I’m maybe not like other girls he’s dated, that I already know what I want and that I’m not the type of girl you can date for seven years and then maybe start considering marriage. Yet, he didn’t bother letting me know that his near future did not include anything that serious. If I had let it go, he would have let me continue on in this relationship going nowhere soon. Obviously, things came to a head, and now I am one month single. I’m sure there are girls and guys reading this thinking, why would she pressure him like that. Why? Because I know what I want, I loved him and I could see myself with him, and it seems stupid to play games and waste time.

Anyway, I bring this up only because it sparked a discussion between me and a friend of a friend. I don’t know him that well, but the few times I’ve met him made me think he was an interesting person. He’s 35, single, and very opinionated. When my Facebook status went to “single,” he sent me a message meant to make me laugh, and asked if I was ok. He also asked me what had gone wrong since he had been under the impression that I had met the guy I might be marrying. I gave him a few details, saying something about how I had hoped my ex would “step-up” in the relationship but that he wasn’t doing any such thing. Then I tried to take the focus off me, jokingly asking why he was still single since he was a nice guy with a good job, etc. What I got back annoyed the hell out of me:

so what does it mean to “step up” in a relationship? i think when someone has to “try” in a relationship, the relationship is already dead. trying implies “i don’t want to, but i will” and that only spells doom. too many relationships require trying. too many settle. there are too many cliche’s out there that say relationships are hard and that’s just the way it is. they resign themselves to a life of indifference and apathy instead of finding a quality relationship that matches their values…but then again, most people don’t know their values. Socrates said “know thyself”, and most folk think that is a given, but in reality, knowing yourself is very hard work. to know thyself implies knowing your values, purpose, and standards. all i hear is “i want a nice person with a sense of humor and likes to have fun.” what does that mean? who wouldn’t describe themselves as nice, funny, and fun to be with? in a nutshell, most people don’t think deeply enough about their life or their relationships. ok, enough of my tirade 🙂

as for your test tube baby idea, i think that is a great idea 🙂 i have a deal with two girls that i’d be their donor if they needed it since i have great genes and don’t want to raise kids myself. so if you’re 35+ and in need of sperm, just let me know 🙂

i often wonder if not for kids, would men and women want a relationship or would they be satisfied with sex and friendship? what i do know is that the institution of marriage isn’t keeping up the social changes around us. it was instituted in a completely different world, and life is radically different now. not sure what the answer is, but marriage in its current form doesn’t sound very appealing.

as for the girl situation, I’ve sworn off girls till I’m ~40 because i like younger girls (5-10 years younger) and right now, their either too stupid or too in love with the idea of family/children. women between the ages of 25-35 focus hardcore–meaning on a mission– on finding a guy who will be the practical provider (even at the expense of compatibility). i don’t want that life, so I’ll wait till the girls are out of that stage and are more concerned with compatibility, passion, and connection. connection is more important to me than developing a “future vision” of us. i would rather “evolve” than “plan” as a couple. i also have so much going on in my outside life that i want to finish first before venturing back into a relationship. no sense in trying to fool myself of hurt a girl like i did in the past. now i can handle casual dating or random fling occasionally, but that’s about it. i was very serious about finding a wife/future family in my 20’s, and those goals have changed. now i’m much more certain of who i am (which happens somewhere around age 30), and so i plan on pursuing that with passion and zeal and let the relationship happen when all 3 of the essentials align: 1. passion, 2. compatibility (values), and 3. timing (the most overlooked and forced element of the 3). i’m done rambling. told you i’ll say whatever i feel 🙂

ps, congrats on passing the Bar!

talk to you soon, joe

That message made me get up and pace. I walked back and forth for a while half-amazed that this guy, knowing I’m 25, would have the balls to essentially say I’m either stupid or on this apparently distasteful “mission” to find a man who can provide for me and give me babies. My reply:

I think I agree with some, but not all, of your points.

As to the test-tube baby idea, I think it’s a last resort. I know what I want out of life, and kids are included. But at the same time, a child without two parents is not ideal. I don’t want my kid(s) to feel ripped off or resent me, and I also want to make sure I’m home enough to truly be a part of their life. As the only breadwinner, that would be a lot harder going solo. It’s something I joke about doing now, but at the point where I would actually have to consider doing it, I am going to think long and hard beforehand. It’s also not pleasant to go through the process. It’s painful, you’re on hormones, and there are a lot of adverse side effects. It’s not easy on the woman, and it’s expensive to boot.

Relationships: I believe relationships do take work. Obviously it shouldn’t be work in the beginning during the “honeymoon” period, but maybe a year later when things aren’t so new and sparkly. There are so many things in life that we don’t want to do, but because we love people or because we know it will better us, we do them. Relationships are no different. However, at the point that either one or both people in the relationship lose their desire to try to make things work, the relationship is dead. That’s what I was trying to figure out with my ex. If he was willing to try harder to show that he appreciated me, then I would have stayed. If not, I didn’t want to be there. Telling me he fell out of love with me two weeks after I said I needed more from him essentially showed that he did a cost-benefit analysis of the situation, and decided the amount of work he would have to put in didn’t jive with what he felt he was getting. That sucks, but that’s life.

In general, you seem to have a negative attitude toward relationships and commitment. While neither of my relationships has worked out, I think it can work with the right person. I just don’t think too many people are lucky enough to find the right person. I’m not talking about a soul mate; that idea is ridiculous to me. I’m talking about a lot of what you mentioned: someone with the same value system and the right timing. I do believe that regardless of children, men and women would want a relationship. I am not planning on having children until I’m at least 30, but I’m still interested in having a relationship, someone I can care for and vice versa, someone I know is “mine” and I theirs. It’s a good feeling when you come home to someone. I can’t imagine that guys feel so differently. In fact, I think the reason my recent relationship continued so long is because Dan liked the feeling of being IN a relationship, but I just wasn’t the right girl.

You say that marriage in its current form isn’t working in today’s world. I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with marriage, except that it does not include homosexuals. That, however, is a completely different discussion. I don’t think it’s marriage that’s the issue—it’s people and today’s culture. Especially in the U.S., we want everything and we expect to have everything. We think we’re entitled to having a fantastic career while still being able to balance kids and a dog. We expect to marry someone with a hundred great qualities and with whom we can have passionate, wild sex. We expect that that passion is never going to wane, and when it does, we say that must not be the right person for us. I love sex, but I think love is a lot deeper; it’s affection and caring at a level where we want and can be less selfish. I think nowadays, with sex constantly thrown at us, we’re giving more attention to the physical and overlooking the quieter side of love until it’s too late. Today, we have one big fight, and say that if this was “right,” it wouldn’t be so hard to be together. I’m not saying we should settle, I just think we’re asking for too much too soon. I’m also not saying that everyone should get married. The idea of marriage obviously does not appeal to you, and that’s perfectly fine. I just don’t think that because it doesn’t work for you, that it is void of value for everyone.

As to women between the ages of 25 and 35—I definitely take offense to your categorization of us all being too stupid or too in love with the idea of family/children. Being naïve because we haven’t been in the world as long as you is not the same as stupidity. Knowing that you want a family and children is not a bad thing; on the contrary, at least those girls know what they want out of life. Being proactive in the small window of fertility we have left is also not something to scoff at. I have an uncommon understanding of the world of infertility because of my mother’s work, and it’s not pretty. If there’s one thing that puts an incredible amount of pressure on a marriage, going through the IVF process is it. Nor do I think all women my age are looking for “providers”. I’m certainly not because I can sure as hell provide for myself just like plenty of other women out there. I’m looking for a partner and a companion, not a checkbook. Nor am I stupid enough to think I’m super original or independent; there are plenty of other women just like me looking for the same things. Maybe you have not encountered a broad enough spectrum of women. I imagine once you start working, it’s harder to meet a diverse crowd. Regardless, my point is that you seem to think there is something wrong with a girl my age and older thinking about having a family and trying to find the guy to do it with. I don’t see why it’s a bad thing. Family is very important to many people, and the idea of starting one of your own is in no way strange or repugnant. It’s fine if that’s not your vision, but you are, maybe unconsciously, denigrating a perfectly valid life goal. Worse yet, you seem to feel superior because you are swearing off that goal.

On a less touchy topic, thanks for the congrats on my Bar results. It feels amazing to be a real attorney. I’m having my signing-in ceremony on Thursday and for the first time I’m actually excited about doing something solemn and traditional. I really feel like it’s a privilege to practice law and I’m excited about starting my career.
~Bittrsweet

The reason I’m posting these messages is because I feel like men sometimes shame women into feeling bad about wanting to find our life companion and possibly having kids in a few years. I want women to stop and question that shame. Why is it such a bad thing? Why do we have to talk to our girlfriends and our mothers and a whole crowd of people about when the “best time” would be to bring up the future with our significant other? Why are “future” and “marriage” such bad words? Why do guys nowadays in their mid- to late twenties start back-pedaling so fast when you try to discuss those subjects? They love that you cook them dinner, listen to how their day went, support them when they’re worried about something, give them your body—and yet as soon as you want to give them all of this and more permanently, they freak out.

Why guys are so scared—that’s really a different discussion. Mostly, this guy’s message just made me really sit down and think about how women now are actually made to feel bad about wanting what humans have wanted since the beginning–stability and family. Especially career women. It’s like we’re betraying our independent female selves if we say, hey, I do want to get married. I am ready to settle down, if I could find the right person. I would like to have kids, and while I’m young enough to do it without third persons poking at my ovaries.

Screw that. I know what I want and no guy is going to make me feel bad about that or about asking him where he sees things going ever again. My time is precious, so why should I waste it pretending to be casual about a subject that is not at all casual to my heart? And guys, stop looking at us like we’re the devil. If you’re not ready, tell us early. But don’t you dare look down on these desires as somehow weak or bad and then complain to your friends that we’re on a “mission” and really killing the mood.

On a positive tangent, yes I am now a certified attorney! 🙂 More on that later.

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to my very best friend,

September 10, 2008

i’m writing you an email because i invariably stumble over my words when calling people, especially about important things. i actually wrote a bullet-list of things i wanted to say and thought i’d call you tonight, but i know i’ll chicken out since it might come out wrong. i don’t think you should move to —- for me. i’ve thought about this a LOT the last few days and nights.

i’ve led you on. i swear i didn’t mean to, and maybe after you read this you’ll understand. i think you are one of the most intelligent, quirky, funny, caring, loyal, unique, patient, understanding, deep people i’ve ever met. i respect you, i admire you, i learn from you, and i hope that i’m even half as good to you as you are to me, though i greatly doubt it. sometimes the things you say, the thoughts you have, make me feel like we share part of a brain. i’ve never really felt understood or accepted by people, but you “get me” and somehow manage to overlook all the crazy, out-of-control things i do. i’ve never felt this comfortable, safe, adored, intelligent, funny, or beautiful with another person and it made me want to see what being close to you would be like. i don’t know if i can make you understand, but it feels so amazing to be held by someone you know is worthwhile and good. you’re not some dense, carbon-copy of the twenty-something american male. you like me for more than just my looks. you didn’t run at the first sign of my instability and neediness. i let everything good and bad hang out and you’re still there for me. guys just aren’t like that. it’s an amazing feeling to know you would want to be with me. so, i have to be honest before i screw things up with you even more than i imagine i have since that fateful night at the heaven and hell party (that was the first time, right?). i’ve seen the way you look at me this past week, and i know that look. it’s the look i gave to drew. it’s the look i want to give you, but for all the aggravatingly inexplicable, illogical, and stupid reasons that some people have chemistry and others don’t, i can’t.

i get this…ominous…feeling that i’m going to regret this. after all, how many girls have someone like you willing to uproot himself to a completely different city, far from friends and family, to give a an untried relationship a shot? if i thought that you actually liked and wanted to come to —-, and by implication, —- law, maybe it would be different. but, i don’t think you have any great passion for this city, plus you’ve come twice now and haven’t expressed an interest in seeing the law school or campus. i think you like NYC, DC, pittsburgh, or even cleveland far more.

i don’t know if maybe things might change in the future. you are my best friend, and maybe our timing is just off right now. i really don’t know. i do know that i’m not going to let you chance the possibility of our working out. i think you just need to focus on you. you’re a little lost right now, but you’re an ambitious person and i think you’d be happiest if you were doing something you felt was more worthwhile and which moved you toward that goal you have of supporting your family. although i do think you need to take a lot of that burden off your shoulders. it’s a different time and age, you aren’t and don’t have to be your grandfather.

one of the things i worry most about you is that you give too much for too little. this is why i didn’t appreciate frances, and why i don’t pass the test either. it’s cynical, but i think a lot of the time, this boy/girl stuff boils down to power. make sure you’re with someone who will spoil and like you more than you do them. if possible, try to be an asshole : )

i know i tend to overreact sometimes, so if you don’t actually feel as strongly toward me as this rambling email makes it sound, that’s probably for the best and please feel free to laugh at me. i just ask that you don’t get so upset or uncomfortable that we suddenly don’t talk. i need you. i shouldn’t have risked changing things.

if this gets any longer, i’m going to be accused of that verbosity obama can’t seem to get away from. definitely let me know if something i wrote or did bugs you. i don’t think we should just sweep this under a rug and if you’re hurt, i’d rather you talk it (yell it?) out with me. don’t drink a lot after reading this, don’t read this one hundred times like i would, feel free to curse me, and at some point in the near future, please talk to me.

~bittrsweet

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sex

February 7, 2008

sex is a strange thing. it reminds you that you are, at bottom, an animal. as a woman, you press yourself into your man, rub your face between his legs and breathe in that slightly musty scent that makes you turn wet down there. you submit when he puts you on your back and pins your arms down with one hand, the other pulling your chin up so that you’re forced to look straight into his eyes as he drives deep inside you. you moan, loving it, loving the almost painful feeling of him grinding down so deep. loving the idea that you’re going to feel this tomorrow, this feeling of your body being put to use. it’s all nails and sweat and mewling his name, the only thought consuming your being the idea of him coming deep inside you. you want it, that mark, his man scent on you, in you. you want to be his territory. when he leaves, you don’t want to shower. you smell of him, the sheets smell of him, and you revel in it.

the problem is, he left.