Posts Tagged ‘miami’

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i love this city

January 14, 2008

i haven’t written for a long while. i’m in a completely different place in my life (literally and figuratively). miami

i’m going to law school in paradise. i love it here. having a bad day? go outside, take a walk, smile because you’re surrounded by beauty 365 days of the year. it’s 82 right now. in a little while i’m going to head out by the pool and do some criminal procedure : )

law school is an interesting place. smart people are neurotic (including yours truly). observing these neuroses never gets old though. lots of drama too, i just joined a facebook group called “highschool called, they want their drama back”.

i’ve made some really close friends. there was a time a few years ago when i was sure that if i died in my dorm room, no one would discover me until my rotting body offended their senses (lovely i know). i don’t feel that here. yes, i do get lonely on occasion, but i never have that doubt anymore that someone won’t call me in at least one day. people check up on me if they know something went wrong, or if i was sick, or if i’m back in town, and they even deal with me when i drink too much and act retarded. i have good friends. makes me feel all rosy inside, as corny as that sounds.

i’m sort of involved with a boy as well. he’s four years older than me, in all my classes at law school, and absolutely beautiful. but far more than that, he’s like no one i’ve ever met–quirky, deep, easy-going, so damned funny, fun-loving, sweet, worldly, cocky but still very aware that he isn’t perfect. we’re completely different, so i don’t know if it will work out. but i’ve discovered something actually pretty mind-blowing for me–if we don’t work out, i’ll be ok. i’ll be incredibly sad, but i’m not going to go over the deep end. it will be absolutely terrible because this boy is just amazing, but i know i don’t have a lot of experience with dating nor have i matured enough to practice the self-control i need to make something work with someone who is a lot older not just in years but in wisdom. sometimes i think we just meet people at the wrong time. BUT just because the timing might be off, that doesn’t mean I’M off. there are plenty of people i think are worthwhile but i can’t be with that way. so whether this works or not, it has nothing to do with MY worth. i’m still a person with good intentions and good goals. i want to work hard, i want to help people, i’m compassionate. i’m certainly not a saint, but i love more than just myself, and even though i fall into deep dark holes every now and then, i’ve finally gotten the hang of pulling myself out of them and appreciating what i do have and who i am. it’s a slow process with a few steps back every now and then, but i’m making progress and that’s certainly something.

all of this has made me think about how people feel about themselves. so many of us, deep down, don’t think we’re worth it. we feel privileged that someone pays attention to us. we’re amazed when someone we think is beautiful inside and out acknowledges us. why this happens? i can’t answer. all i can say is that whether it takes repeating to yourself every day in the mirror that i am something, then do it, and one day you’ll believe it. just look around and think for a second: would i have these friends, these wonderful people, would i have these family who seem to love me not just because they have to but because of whatever goofy things you do and whatever ambitions you have, because of me.

so, everyone needs to realize that. and then it’s all about confidence, baby!

and now i’m off to get into a bathing suit and enjoy some sun! (ps i’m finally thin, 109 pounds all done without dieting, but because i barely use my car since it’s so beautiful to walk around here and just take long walks. that’s one goal down!).