Posts Tagged ‘relationship’

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girls and low self-esteem

October 7, 2010

Is it normal to get super needy and promiscuous after a break-up? So far I’ve only slept with my two ex-boyfriends, but I seem to hit the lower bases with regularity after each break-up. I don’t want to be this weak, un-wholesome girl. What if I really do lose it one night after drinking and sleep with somebody, not just kiss them or let them touch me? As it is, I can’t handle the guilt the day after I do anything and I’ve already screwed around with two guys in the month since I broke up with my ex. I know it only happens when I drink, but there must be something in me just lurking under the surface if it keeps happening. Not drinking would get rid of the symptom (promiscuity) but not the underlying issue (self-esteem). What’s worse is that with this last guy, he said I mentioned “relationship” to him a few times. I don’t want to date this guy!! Why would that even come up? He’s not my type at all, I think I’m just needy for male attention. So of course I can’t see him again and now it’s just another dirty secret stored away in my brain.

This blog isn’t just supposed to be my personal diary, but I’m trying to be honest about what I’m doing (and doing wrong) in life to get at bigger realities. For example, why are so many girls running around with such low self-esteem? I know that’s the root of my problem, but where did it come from? I know I’m a pretty girl. I know I’m a smart girl. And yet, I don’t really feel like I’m worth it. I don’t understand WHY. There are so many girls just like me out there who, at bottom, feel the same way. Heck, guys joke about finding insecure girls because we’re easy to get into bed. We want so badly to be loved but don’t actually think anyone could love us. And for some reason, that translates into promiscuity even though that’s the last way to get a guy, to get love.

Is this an American phenomenon? I don’t know if European girls are doing better. I also don’t know how to solve this kind of problem because I don’t know where it came from. I’m trying to pin-point where exactly in life I lost my self-worth. Do we all have a particular event in our childhood that killed our ability to love ourselves? Did our daddies not love us enough? Or is it just something chemical, just fucked up brain chemistry that we could never control in the first place?

What happened to this girl? It seems that just as I’m building my confidence, I meet a boy and he brings me back down. Other people break up and they don’t question their worth. Why do I?

How can I fix myself if I don’t know exactly why it’s happening?

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Hey, we’re not the plague

October 3, 2010

Why is it that so many men see women who want to settle down and have a family as something akin to the plague?

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of a year and eight months. We had a lot of problems, not the least of which was that his timeline for our future seemed indeterminate. He had just signed another year’s lease with a roommate, which worried me. I asked him if he felt a need to live by himself for a few years, and if so, how long. He said yes, he probably would want to. So then where did that leave us? He didn’t really have an answer. After we had passed the year mark, I tried to have a talk with him every few months attempting to stress that I’m maybe not like other girls he’s dated, that I already know what I want and that I’m not the type of girl you can date for seven years and then maybe start considering marriage. Yet, he didn’t bother letting me know that his near future did not include anything that serious. If I had let it go, he would have let me continue on in this relationship going nowhere soon. Obviously, things came to a head, and now I am one month single. I’m sure there are girls and guys reading this thinking, why would she pressure him like that. Why? Because I know what I want, I loved him and I could see myself with him, and it seems stupid to play games and waste time.

Anyway, I bring this up only because it sparked a discussion between me and a friend of a friend. I don’t know him that well, but the few times I’ve met him made me think he was an interesting person. He’s 35, single, and very opinionated. When my Facebook status went to “single,” he sent me a message meant to make me laugh, and asked if I was ok. He also asked me what had gone wrong since he had been under the impression that I had met the guy I might be marrying. I gave him a few details, saying something about how I had hoped my ex would “step-up” in the relationship but that he wasn’t doing any such thing. Then I tried to take the focus off me, jokingly asking why he was still single since he was a nice guy with a good job, etc. What I got back annoyed the hell out of me:

so what does it mean to “step up” in a relationship? i think when someone has to “try” in a relationship, the relationship is already dead. trying implies “i don’t want to, but i will” and that only spells doom. too many relationships require trying. too many settle. there are too many cliche’s out there that say relationships are hard and that’s just the way it is. they resign themselves to a life of indifference and apathy instead of finding a quality relationship that matches their values…but then again, most people don’t know their values. Socrates said “know thyself”, and most folk think that is a given, but in reality, knowing yourself is very hard work. to know thyself implies knowing your values, purpose, and standards. all i hear is “i want a nice person with a sense of humor and likes to have fun.” what does that mean? who wouldn’t describe themselves as nice, funny, and fun to be with? in a nutshell, most people don’t think deeply enough about their life or their relationships. ok, enough of my tirade 🙂

as for your test tube baby idea, i think that is a great idea 🙂 i have a deal with two girls that i’d be their donor if they needed it since i have great genes and don’t want to raise kids myself. so if you’re 35+ and in need of sperm, just let me know 🙂

i often wonder if not for kids, would men and women want a relationship or would they be satisfied with sex and friendship? what i do know is that the institution of marriage isn’t keeping up the social changes around us. it was instituted in a completely different world, and life is radically different now. not sure what the answer is, but marriage in its current form doesn’t sound very appealing.

as for the girl situation, I’ve sworn off girls till I’m ~40 because i like younger girls (5-10 years younger) and right now, their either too stupid or too in love with the idea of family/children. women between the ages of 25-35 focus hardcore–meaning on a mission– on finding a guy who will be the practical provider (even at the expense of compatibility). i don’t want that life, so I’ll wait till the girls are out of that stage and are more concerned with compatibility, passion, and connection. connection is more important to me than developing a “future vision” of us. i would rather “evolve” than “plan” as a couple. i also have so much going on in my outside life that i want to finish first before venturing back into a relationship. no sense in trying to fool myself of hurt a girl like i did in the past. now i can handle casual dating or random fling occasionally, but that’s about it. i was very serious about finding a wife/future family in my 20’s, and those goals have changed. now i’m much more certain of who i am (which happens somewhere around age 30), and so i plan on pursuing that with passion and zeal and let the relationship happen when all 3 of the essentials align: 1. passion, 2. compatibility (values), and 3. timing (the most overlooked and forced element of the 3). i’m done rambling. told you i’ll say whatever i feel 🙂

ps, congrats on passing the Bar!

talk to you soon, joe

That message made me get up and pace. I walked back and forth for a while half-amazed that this guy, knowing I’m 25, would have the balls to essentially say I’m either stupid or on this apparently distasteful “mission” to find a man who can provide for me and give me babies. My reply:

I think I agree with some, but not all, of your points.

As to the test-tube baby idea, I think it’s a last resort. I know what I want out of life, and kids are included. But at the same time, a child without two parents is not ideal. I don’t want my kid(s) to feel ripped off or resent me, and I also want to make sure I’m home enough to truly be a part of their life. As the only breadwinner, that would be a lot harder going solo. It’s something I joke about doing now, but at the point where I would actually have to consider doing it, I am going to think long and hard beforehand. It’s also not pleasant to go through the process. It’s painful, you’re on hormones, and there are a lot of adverse side effects. It’s not easy on the woman, and it’s expensive to boot.

Relationships: I believe relationships do take work. Obviously it shouldn’t be work in the beginning during the “honeymoon” period, but maybe a year later when things aren’t so new and sparkly. There are so many things in life that we don’t want to do, but because we love people or because we know it will better us, we do them. Relationships are no different. However, at the point that either one or both people in the relationship lose their desire to try to make things work, the relationship is dead. That’s what I was trying to figure out with my ex. If he was willing to try harder to show that he appreciated me, then I would have stayed. If not, I didn’t want to be there. Telling me he fell out of love with me two weeks after I said I needed more from him essentially showed that he did a cost-benefit analysis of the situation, and decided the amount of work he would have to put in didn’t jive with what he felt he was getting. That sucks, but that’s life.

In general, you seem to have a negative attitude toward relationships and commitment. While neither of my relationships has worked out, I think it can work with the right person. I just don’t think too many people are lucky enough to find the right person. I’m not talking about a soul mate; that idea is ridiculous to me. I’m talking about a lot of what you mentioned: someone with the same value system and the right timing. I do believe that regardless of children, men and women would want a relationship. I am not planning on having children until I’m at least 30, but I’m still interested in having a relationship, someone I can care for and vice versa, someone I know is “mine” and I theirs. It’s a good feeling when you come home to someone. I can’t imagine that guys feel so differently. In fact, I think the reason my recent relationship continued so long is because Dan liked the feeling of being IN a relationship, but I just wasn’t the right girl.

You say that marriage in its current form isn’t working in today’s world. I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with marriage, except that it does not include homosexuals. That, however, is a completely different discussion. I don’t think it’s marriage that’s the issue—it’s people and today’s culture. Especially in the U.S., we want everything and we expect to have everything. We think we’re entitled to having a fantastic career while still being able to balance kids and a dog. We expect to marry someone with a hundred great qualities and with whom we can have passionate, wild sex. We expect that that passion is never going to wane, and when it does, we say that must not be the right person for us. I love sex, but I think love is a lot deeper; it’s affection and caring at a level where we want and can be less selfish. I think nowadays, with sex constantly thrown at us, we’re giving more attention to the physical and overlooking the quieter side of love until it’s too late. Today, we have one big fight, and say that if this was “right,” it wouldn’t be so hard to be together. I’m not saying we should settle, I just think we’re asking for too much too soon. I’m also not saying that everyone should get married. The idea of marriage obviously does not appeal to you, and that’s perfectly fine. I just don’t think that because it doesn’t work for you, that it is void of value for everyone.

As to women between the ages of 25 and 35—I definitely take offense to your categorization of us all being too stupid or too in love with the idea of family/children. Being naïve because we haven’t been in the world as long as you is not the same as stupidity. Knowing that you want a family and children is not a bad thing; on the contrary, at least those girls know what they want out of life. Being proactive in the small window of fertility we have left is also not something to scoff at. I have an uncommon understanding of the world of infertility because of my mother’s work, and it’s not pretty. If there’s one thing that puts an incredible amount of pressure on a marriage, going through the IVF process is it. Nor do I think all women my age are looking for “providers”. I’m certainly not because I can sure as hell provide for myself just like plenty of other women out there. I’m looking for a partner and a companion, not a checkbook. Nor am I stupid enough to think I’m super original or independent; there are plenty of other women just like me looking for the same things. Maybe you have not encountered a broad enough spectrum of women. I imagine once you start working, it’s harder to meet a diverse crowd. Regardless, my point is that you seem to think there is something wrong with a girl my age and older thinking about having a family and trying to find the guy to do it with. I don’t see why it’s a bad thing. Family is very important to many people, and the idea of starting one of your own is in no way strange or repugnant. It’s fine if that’s not your vision, but you are, maybe unconsciously, denigrating a perfectly valid life goal. Worse yet, you seem to feel superior because you are swearing off that goal.

On a less touchy topic, thanks for the congrats on my Bar results. It feels amazing to be a real attorney. I’m having my signing-in ceremony on Thursday and for the first time I’m actually excited about doing something solemn and traditional. I really feel like it’s a privilege to practice law and I’m excited about starting my career.
~Bittrsweet

The reason I’m posting these messages is because I feel like men sometimes shame women into feeling bad about wanting to find our life companion and possibly having kids in a few years. I want women to stop and question that shame. Why is it such a bad thing? Why do we have to talk to our girlfriends and our mothers and a whole crowd of people about when the “best time” would be to bring up the future with our significant other? Why are “future” and “marriage” such bad words? Why do guys nowadays in their mid- to late twenties start back-pedaling so fast when you try to discuss those subjects? They love that you cook them dinner, listen to how their day went, support them when they’re worried about something, give them your body—and yet as soon as you want to give them all of this and more permanently, they freak out.

Why guys are so scared—that’s really a different discussion. Mostly, this guy’s message just made me really sit down and think about how women now are actually made to feel bad about wanting what humans have wanted since the beginning–stability and family. Especially career women. It’s like we’re betraying our independent female selves if we say, hey, I do want to get married. I am ready to settle down, if I could find the right person. I would like to have kids, and while I’m young enough to do it without third persons poking at my ovaries.

Screw that. I know what I want and no guy is going to make me feel bad about that or about asking him where he sees things going ever again. My time is precious, so why should I waste it pretending to be casual about a subject that is not at all casual to my heart? And guys, stop looking at us like we’re the devil. If you’re not ready, tell us early. But don’t you dare look down on these desires as somehow weak or bad and then complain to your friends that we’re on a “mission” and really killing the mood.

On a positive tangent, yes I am now a certified attorney! 🙂 More on that later.

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sex

February 7, 2008

sex is a strange thing. it reminds you that you are, at bottom, an animal. as a woman, you press yourself into your man, rub your face between his legs and breathe in that slightly musty scent that makes you turn wet down there. you submit when he puts you on your back and pins your arms down with one hand, the other pulling your chin up so that you’re forced to look straight into his eyes as he drives deep inside you. you moan, loving it, loving the almost painful feeling of him grinding down so deep. loving the idea that you’re going to feel this tomorrow, this feeling of your body being put to use. it’s all nails and sweat and mewling his name, the only thought consuming your being the idea of him coming deep inside you. you want it, that mark, his man scent on you, in you. you want to be his territory. when he leaves, you don’t want to shower. you smell of him, the sheets smell of him, and you revel in it.

the problem is, he left.