Posts Tagged ‘unrequited’

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How NOT to get past your ex…

October 3, 2010

A smart girl would do everything in her power to end contact with her ex. What am I doing? Talking to him for hours on AIM. Very healthy of me.

He seems to think that since we were each others’ best friends, we shouldn’t end all contact. Plus, we’re going to get thrown together anyway because of mutual friends. What do I think? I think that even though I know he’s not right for me, I still love him. And even though I wanted to break up with him, today I kept checking on AIM to see when he signed on and whether he would message me. That’s not a good sign. Does anyone else see me getting over him this way? No.

Honestly though, I have no discipline. I stubbornly still want to talk to him. I want him in my life. And another awesome part of me wants him in my life so he can see when I get someone ELSE in my life. Please tell me other people  have petty thoughts like this. I have them all the time. I try not to act on most things, but I’m not sure if just having them makes me a bad person.

Some girl I don’t know posted on his Facebook wall. I felt immediate, scorching jealousy. And this weekend, he’s going to visit his college friends, meaning lots of drinking and possibly meeting other girls. Seeing more green. I mean seriously, how old am I?? I just became an ATTORNEY and I’m staring daggers at some girl’s photo because she left a friendly message on my EX’S wall?! Even if you can get past this whole ludicrous jealousy revolving around FACEBOOK, why am I so upset over a guy I know wasn’t giving me what I needed?

I was doing really well actually. I managed a month without any contact. Took him out of my phone, took him off AIM. Then a friend of ours was in town and we all got together. We all had an amazing time. I started remembering why I had liked this guy in the first place. My girlfriend crashed in the second bedroom, and since he valet parked his car at my place, I told him he could set up the airbed in the living room. We were fine, laughing and talking one minute—and then suddenly we were screaming at each other. I really don’t know what happened. Honestly, neither of us can remember. I don’t know who started it and we were both wasted. We had never yelled at each other during the entire year and eight months we were together. We had never said anything this terrible to each other. It was madness.

I asked him to leave. I sent him what was an amazingly coherent email trying to explain my anger and understand what happened. He called in the morning and apologized and told me he wanted to be friends and he was sure he’d blown it. We went out to lunch, my idea, to try and fix things. Instead, we didn’t end up talking about anything related to our fight. We just joked around like normal. It could have been any other day from when we were dating. We even went to our favorite Indian buffet. Except, of course, that my eyes were obnoxiously puffy from sobbing my guts away all night. Very visibly so; I actually had to keep my sunglasses on in the restaurant like some punk.

You would think, after the kinds of things he said, that that’s all I would need to cut him off. And yet here I am, talking to him like it’s nothing. And he’s doing the same. In terms of sheer need, he’s more lonely than I am. I have more people to hang out with and I’m dating guys here and there. I know he’s lonely since he’s told me so. I mean what do I think is going to happen? He’s going to realize how awesome I am and suddenly shape up? Tell me he still loves me? Magically mature into a guy ready for real commitment?

See the problem is that I still have Hope. Hope is very often a bad thing. Hope lets you dare to dream that maybe, just maybe, he’ll be like other guys you know. My best girlfriend broke up with her boyfriend for almost eight months before he came running back, sad and contrite, ready to do anything for her. Now they’re very happily engaged, living together and planning their wedding. My other girlfriend broke up with her boyfriend for almost a year (they call it the “hiatus”) before they figured things out and moved in together. But that’s not going to be me. I know it, really. I know he’s not that type. I know he just didn’t and doesn’t love me enough. But that damned Hope, she gets you every fucking time.

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to my very best friend,

September 10, 2008

i’m writing you an email because i invariably stumble over my words when calling people, especially about important things. i actually wrote a bullet-list of things i wanted to say and thought i’d call you tonight, but i know i’ll chicken out since it might come out wrong. i don’t think you should move to —- for me. i’ve thought about this a LOT the last few days and nights.

i’ve led you on. i swear i didn’t mean to, and maybe after you read this you’ll understand. i think you are one of the most intelligent, quirky, funny, caring, loyal, unique, patient, understanding, deep people i’ve ever met. i respect you, i admire you, i learn from you, and i hope that i’m even half as good to you as you are to me, though i greatly doubt it. sometimes the things you say, the thoughts you have, make me feel like we share part of a brain. i’ve never really felt understood or accepted by people, but you “get me” and somehow manage to overlook all the crazy, out-of-control things i do. i’ve never felt this comfortable, safe, adored, intelligent, funny, or beautiful with another person and it made me want to see what being close to you would be like. i don’t know if i can make you understand, but it feels so amazing to be held by someone you know is worthwhile and good. you’re not some dense, carbon-copy of the twenty-something american male. you like me for more than just my looks. you didn’t run at the first sign of my instability and neediness. i let everything good and bad hang out and you’re still there for me. guys just aren’t like that. it’s an amazing feeling to know you would want to be with me. so, i have to be honest before i screw things up with you even more than i imagine i have since that fateful night at the heaven and hell party (that was the first time, right?). i’ve seen the way you look at me this past week, and i know that look. it’s the look i gave to drew. it’s the look i want to give you, but for all the aggravatingly inexplicable, illogical, and stupid reasons that some people have chemistry and others don’t, i can’t.

i get this…ominous…feeling that i’m going to regret this. after all, how many girls have someone like you willing to uproot himself to a completely different city, far from friends and family, to give a an untried relationship a shot? if i thought that you actually liked and wanted to come to —-, and by implication, —- law, maybe it would be different. but, i don’t think you have any great passion for this city, plus you’ve come twice now and haven’t expressed an interest in seeing the law school or campus. i think you like NYC, DC, pittsburgh, or even cleveland far more.

i don’t know if maybe things might change in the future. you are my best friend, and maybe our timing is just off right now. i really don’t know. i do know that i’m not going to let you chance the possibility of our working out. i think you just need to focus on you. you’re a little lost right now, but you’re an ambitious person and i think you’d be happiest if you were doing something you felt was more worthwhile and which moved you toward that goal you have of supporting your family. although i do think you need to take a lot of that burden off your shoulders. it’s a different time and age, you aren’t and don’t have to be your grandfather.

one of the things i worry most about you is that you give too much for too little. this is why i didn’t appreciate frances, and why i don’t pass the test either. it’s cynical, but i think a lot of the time, this boy/girl stuff boils down to power. make sure you’re with someone who will spoil and like you more than you do them. if possible, try to be an asshole : )

i know i tend to overreact sometimes, so if you don’t actually feel as strongly toward me as this rambling email makes it sound, that’s probably for the best and please feel free to laugh at me. i just ask that you don’t get so upset or uncomfortable that we suddenly don’t talk. i need you. i shouldn’t have risked changing things.

if this gets any longer, i’m going to be accused of that verbosity obama can’t seem to get away from. definitely let me know if something i wrote or did bugs you. i don’t think we should just sweep this under a rug and if you’re hurt, i’d rather you talk it (yell it?) out with me. don’t drink a lot after reading this, don’t read this one hundred times like i would, feel free to curse me, and at some point in the near future, please talk to me.

~bittrsweet