girls and low self-esteem

Is it normal to get super needy and promiscuous after a break-up? So far I’ve only slept with my two ex-boyfriends, but I seem to hit the lower bases with regularity after each break-up. I don’t want to be this weak, un-wholesome girl. What if I really do lose it one night after drinking and sleep with somebody, not just kiss them or let them touch me? As it is, I can’t handle the guilt the day after I do anything and I’ve already screwed around with two guys in the month since I broke up with my ex. I know it only happens when I drink, but there must be something in me just lurking under the surface if it keeps happening. Not drinking would get rid of the symptom (promiscuity) but not the underlying issue (self-esteem). What’s worse is that with this last guy, he said I mentioned “relationship” to him a few times. I don’t want to date this guy!! Why would that even come up? He’s not my type at all, I think I’m just needy for male attention. So of course I can’t see him again and now it’s just another dirty secret stored away in my brain.

This blog isn’t just supposed to be my personal diary, but I’m trying to be honest about what I’m doing (and doing wrong) in life to get at bigger realities. For example, why are so many girls running around with such low self-esteem? I know that’s the root of my problem, but where did it come from? I know I’m a pretty girl. I know I’m a smart girl. And yet, I don’t really feel like I’m worth it. I don’t understand WHY. There are so many girls just like me out there who, at bottom, feel the same way. Heck, guys joke about finding insecure girls because we’re easy to get into bed. We want so badly to be loved but don’t actually think anyone could love us. And for some reason, that translates into promiscuity even though that’s the last way to get a guy, to get love.

Is this an American phenomenon? I don’t know if European girls are doing better. I also don’t know how to solve this kind of problem because I don’t know where it came from. I’m trying to pin-point where exactly in life I lost my self-worth. Do we all have a particular event in our childhood that killed our ability to love ourselves? Did our daddies not love us enough? Or is it just something chemical, just fucked up brain chemistry that we could never control in the first place?

What happened to this girl? It seems that just as I’m building my confidence, I meet a boy and he brings me back down. Other people break up and they don’t question their worth. Why do I?

How can I fix myself if I don’t know exactly why it’s happening?

How NOT to get past your ex…

A smart girl would do everything in her power to end contact with her ex. What am I doing? Talking to him for hours on AIM. Very healthy of me.

He seems to think that since we were each others’ best friends, we shouldn’t end all contact. Plus, we’re going to get thrown together anyway because of mutual friends. What do I think? I think that even though I know he’s not right for me, I still love him. And even though I wanted to break up with him, today I kept checking on AIM to see when he signed on and whether he would message me. That’s not a good sign. Does anyone else see me getting over him this way? No.

Honestly though, I have no discipline. I stubbornly still want to talk to him. I want him in my life. And another awesome part of me wants him in my life so he can see when I get someone ELSE in my life. Please tell me other people  have petty thoughts like this. I have them all the time. I try not to act on most things, but I’m not sure if just having them makes me a bad person.

Some girl I don’t know posted on his Facebook wall. I felt immediate, scorching jealousy. And this weekend, he’s going to visit his college friends, meaning lots of drinking and possibly meeting other girls. Seeing more green. I mean seriously, how old am I?? I just became an ATTORNEY and I’m staring daggers at some girl’s photo because she left a friendly message on my EX’S wall?! Even if you can get past this whole ludicrous jealousy revolving around FACEBOOK, why am I so upset over a guy I know wasn’t giving me what I needed?

I was doing really well actually. I managed a month without any contact. Took him out of my phone, took him off AIM. Then a friend of ours was in town and we all got together. We all had an amazing time. I started remembering why I had liked this guy in the first place. My girlfriend crashed in the second bedroom, and since he valet parked his car at my place, I told him he could set up the airbed in the living room. We were fine, laughing and talking one minute—and then suddenly we were screaming at each other. I really don’t know what happened. Honestly, neither of us can remember. I don’t know who started it and we were both wasted. We had never yelled at each other during the entire year and eight months we were together. We had never said anything this terrible to each other. It was madness.

I asked him to leave. I sent him what was an amazingly coherent email trying to explain my anger and understand what happened. He called in the morning and apologized and told me he wanted to be friends and he was sure he’d blown it. We went out to lunch, my idea, to try and fix things. Instead, we didn’t end up talking about anything related to our fight. We just joked around like normal. It could have been any other day from when we were dating. We even went to our favorite Indian buffet. Except, of course, that my eyes were obnoxiously puffy from sobbing my guts away all night. Very visibly so; I actually had to keep my sunglasses on in the restaurant like some punk.

You would think, after the kinds of things he said, that that’s all I would need to cut him off. And yet here I am, talking to him like it’s nothing. And he’s doing the same. In terms of sheer need, he’s more lonely than I am. I have more people to hang out with and I’m dating guys here and there. I know he’s lonely since he’s told me so. I mean what do I think is going to happen? He’s going to realize how awesome I am and suddenly shape up? Tell me he still loves me? Magically mature into a guy ready for real commitment?

See the problem is that I still have Hope. Hope is very often a bad thing. Hope lets you dare to dream that maybe, just maybe, he’ll be like other guys you know. My best girlfriend broke up with her boyfriend for almost eight months before he came running back, sad and contrite, ready to do anything for her. Now they’re very happily engaged, living together and planning their wedding. My other girlfriend broke up with her boyfriend for almost a year (they call it the “hiatus”) before they figured things out and moved in together. But that’s not going to be me. I know it, really. I know he’s not that type. I know he just didn’t and doesn’t love me enough. But that damned Hope, she gets you every fucking time.