singledom

how can one half of a person be so happy at what she has achieved, and the other half so achingly alone? last weekend i was so busy with different events and people that it wasn’t hard to keep my mind on a leash. but this weekend, no matter how much i will it to love me, my phone remains mute. when i have too much time on my hands, i resent waking up every morning and reaching for no one. if i cook, i halve the recipe because it’s far too much for one person. i hold off watching netflix movies as if i’m waiting for someone. i buy a new see-through nothing even though my only audience is a dog and kitten. i sit on my stylish leather couch in my perfectly decorated contemporary living room and watch the evening light fade to black. everything about my life is waiting for a man who is not there, and may never be.

when i consider my future, i know there are so many meaningful things in my life to which i could devote myself. especially as an attorney, there are an unlimited amount of victims to help. and yet somehow, all i can focus on is the thousands of times i will come home to an empty house, a dinner alone, a cold bed. i hurt sometimes with this desire to just BE with someone. literally actually—my cunt aches.

hopefully things change when i start work. i certainly don’t want to feel like my life is filler time until i meet a guy, especially since that kind of shallowness would not support anyone’s attention anyway. i have a feeling if i just had one gal pal to take on the city, i wouldn’t feel so desperately lonely. unfortunately, all my girlfriends are adorably paired-off. oh, how disgustingly adorably.

in other news, it has been exactly six months and three days since i have had sex.

the Match.com files part 1

a few months ago, i decided to try match.com. i spent $34.99, wasted a great deal of time, waded through a ridiculous amount of crappy emails, and went on five dates before i decided that i was completely fine being alone and sex-less if the alternative was online dating.

7 reasons why match.com (and possibly other datings sites?) sucks the big one:

1. it’s expensive. for just one month, it’s $34.99. for three, it’s $19.99 which sounds better, except then you come out having paid $60 for the most awkward interactions of your life.

2. if you don’t pay for a subscription, your profile is displayed in searches, but you can’t answer or in any way communicate with people who message you. so here i am, a paid subscriber, messaging cute guys who never answer me. i have no way of knowing whether or not they find me completely unattractive or just aren’t a paid subscriber. this means my ego gets to go on a wild roller coaster ride.

3. at least if you’re a girl, you get dozens of emails and winks EVERY DAY. sounds great right? think again. if you’re lucky, one out of 30 emails and winks will be someone who looks like a possibility. here is one of my favorites, reproduced exactly as written, fucked up commas and all, except that i made the font blue:

an Admirer
WOW!!

“WHAT A PROFILE”

YOU DO SOUND SO VERY GENUINE .

I am the breed you can only pray for in a loyal companion -Wit ,Gentlemanly,passionate,loving and I dance salsa aswell…

First, I must say forgive my pic here (not the best that portrays my handsome self ;-} ) -I need to upload more …so You can see the Man…LoL

THE WEIRD THING IS YOUR PROFILE IS THE ONE THAT LEADS ME TO FEEL THAT IF WE TALK 15 MINUTES WE ARE GOING TO HIT IT OFF..

Only fair to first tell you the whole me

Here goes :

ME-

Medical Professional and a business owner.

Great family !!

Tried THIS for 30 day trial about 16 months ago then stopped cause thought it was fruitless.then 3 months after a friend at the hospital coached me on to try a longer period so I gave it 3 months -and talked to 2 people and met 1 {no interest or chemistry felt} then it expired and did not renew for another few month and just decided to travel and enjoy life for abit (I went to san diego ,nyc ,boston ,Rhode Island,marthas vineyard etc..just had a great time)

Recently I met a few members and had coffee and found no real common ground or attraction in person.

Thats it “… not easy to find when beauty ” lacks within ” on most ..

Chemistry,honesty,intelligence and humor are important and so difficult to find in a woman .

I enjoy intelligence and substance inside the woman I seek .

What else can I say but it’s hard nowadays to find the Quality factor in a human being.

What I would give to find a real beauty is everything ….

Real Treasures are in relationships that start with a valuable partner.

warm regards,

———

i have no idea why he uses quotation marks as he does, why he can’t space a comma correctly, or why he feels the need to tell me about previous match.com failures. obviously, i didn’t answer this email, but this is a very determined/desperate/socially-inept man—he emailed me another four times before i finally got annoyed and told him there was no way i was interested. besides this ludicrous email, he was 47 and divorced. my profile specifically stated that my age parameters cut off at 32 and that i would not date a divorcee.

4. which brings me to another stupid match.com trait: you can’t limit who messages you by age, location, or other characteristic. i would say that 50% of the emails i received every day were from gross old geezers who had no business contacting a 25-year-old. shame on them.

5. nor can you avoid the whole business by hiding your profile. if you hide your profile, sure you can email people, but they can’t see your information so it defeats the entire purpose of the dating site. as someone in the legal field, i didn’t want my photo and “about me” sections plastered all over this site for people i might know to see. but i also didn’t want to waste the $34.99 i already paid, so there i was, naked to the world. and yes, three people i know contacted me and said, “hey i saw you on match!”. fan-fucking-tastic.

6. i think this particular reason is going to make me sound like an elitist, but hey, i probably am. i found that the vast majority of guys on here were uneducated. i love intellectual guys. let me point out here that “intellectual” is different than “intelligent”. i like guys who enjoy a good book, can write and speak eloquently, and don’t think that nietzsche is a russian dessert. my life revolves around more academic pursuits and i don’t think it’s somehow mean and shortsighted to say that i don’t want to date a mechanic, even a very intelligent one. i am aware that there are plenty of very intelligent guys who for whatever reason did not go to college. there are also plenty of idiots who did go. but of the intelligent guys out there, the ones i’d want to date are the worldly, sophisticated types who overwhelmingly have gone to college and probably grad school. these are not the guys on match.com.

7. even when you finally find a few decent possibilities in the morass of HELL-no, it can go very wrong. you email back and forth a few times, text a bit, and decide to meet. i lasted five dates before i made the command decision to delete my match.com profile. and no, they weren’t all awful. two were ok, but the overall awkward and stilted nature of the dates and fact that no one appears to be the same person described in their profiles just makes me tired. dating should be fun, not energy-draining. stay tuned for a date-by-date breakdown of the five guys who appeared to be the cream of the match crop.

genital herpes = huge threat

hearing from a friend about her friend whose girlfriend cheated on him, contracted genital herpes, and then gave it to him (drama, drama) led me on a steadily more horrifying research trail. forget about the obviously alarming but treatable STDs—apparently one in five people (and another site stated one in four) have genital herpes. that shit doesn’t go away.

reading those stats, my heart thumped hard in my chest.

i never knew it was so prevalent. worse, I didn’t know half of the other alarming traits about herpes which have since wreaked havoc with my hypochondria-addled brain. some fun facts:

• you don’t need to have sex to get herpes. not even oral sex. skin-to-skin contact is enough. kissing is enough. (fuck).
• building on that first point, using condoms may not help you since it may not cover your partner’s entire infected area
• women are four times as likely to get herpes from a male partner than the other way around (can’t find where i read this, but i’m certain i remember it correctly—it’s burned into my brain at this point)
• most people do not even realize they have herpes because they are asymptomatic. and if they don’t know, you definitely don’t know
• even for those who do exhibit symptoms, they don’t have to be having an outbreak to infect you
• symptoms vary person-to-person, and they often resemble other issues—bug bites, ingrown hairs, the flu, UTIs, yeast infections, other STDs
• testing for herpes is not very clear-cut. if you have sores on your genitals, it’s far easier to come to the correct diagnosis by taking a sample and testing it. the problem is that many people never get sores, and herpes breakouts only occur a few times a year for those who do. blood tests can be helpful, but they only test for herpes antibodies created to fight the disease—meaning that if you test too early, those antibodies won’t be present. apparently it can take as long as three months from the date of infection before antibodies are made (scroll near the bottom). finally, there are a lot of false-positives and false-negatives for these tests (and these tests are expensive)

let’s break all that information down to its scary and shitty conclusion: you can be careful, never sleep with strange, heck never even sleep with someone, and still get herpes. in fact, you could have gotten both of your boyfriends tested before sleeping with them (what i did), and they may still have this disease because the tests are not clear-cut and timing is essential. great. i’ve now spent most of the day checking out my girl parts in a hand mirror trying to figure out if that’s razor burn or herpes. unfortunately, i’ve only ever looked at myself one other time so i can’t tell if the landscape is different.

that brings me to three other observations:

one, we can’t just go around having sex anymore. forget sexual needs and safe fuck buddies and the whole bit—with at least 20% of the population infected, having sex with someone who hasn’t been tested (and tested correctly and probably multiple times), is playing russian roulette with your sexual well-being.

and also with your psychological well-being: two, there is a major stigma associated with having genital herpes. i would feel so dirty and unlovable if i had it, which is why a lot of people with the disease fail to tell their sexual partners. and yet, apparently somewhere between 20 and 25% of the population has the disease. these are people we know, people we’re screwing, people getting married and having kids. these people might be you and me. so why is there such a cloud over the disease, and why don’t we know more about it?

which brings me to number three, why is our sex education so crappy? here i am thinking i’m being so safe—limited sex to my two boyfriends, rarely had oral sex and used a condom where i didn’t trust the guy as much, got both my boyfriends to submit to an STD test before i would sleep with them—and it’s not enough. and honestly, most of the people i know haven’t been as careful as i am. and these are educated people! i only know a handful of people who have ever even taken a test. telling us ‘use condoms’ isn’t enough and preaching ‘abstinence only’ is a travesty of public health. worse yet, i have never heard that STD tests themselves are unreliable. without that information, we could be walking around with false confidence in our sexual health and infecting strangers, boyfriends—people we love.

i feel like i should go get tested. i did between boyfriend 1 and boyfriend 2. except that with the expense (probably between $100-200 bucks) and the embarrassment of having to go to an STD testing place, i really, really don’t want to. i wish i was still a student and could just go to the student health center. that’s a lot more private than having to walk into planned parenthood, and a heck of a lot less expensive. i know that doesn’t sound very adult, but you don’t have to be or act like an adult to have sex. that’s the problem.

girls and low self-esteem

Is it normal to get super needy and promiscuous after a break-up? So far I’ve only slept with my two ex-boyfriends, but I seem to hit the lower bases with regularity after each break-up. I don’t want to be this weak, un-wholesome girl. What if I really do lose it one night after drinking and sleep with somebody, not just kiss them or let them touch me? As it is, I can’t handle the guilt the day after I do anything and I’ve already screwed around with two guys in the month since I broke up with my ex. I know it only happens when I drink, but there must be something in me just lurking under the surface if it keeps happening. Not drinking would get rid of the symptom (promiscuity) but not the underlying issue (self-esteem). What’s worse is that with this last guy, he said I mentioned “relationship” to him a few times. I don’t want to date this guy!! Why would that even come up? He’s not my type at all, I think I’m just needy for male attention. So of course I can’t see him again and now it’s just another dirty secret stored away in my brain.

This blog isn’t just supposed to be my personal diary, but I’m trying to be honest about what I’m doing (and doing wrong) in life to get at bigger realities. For example, why are so many girls running around with such low self-esteem? I know that’s the root of my problem, but where did it come from? I know I’m a pretty girl. I know I’m a smart girl. And yet, I don’t really feel like I’m worth it. I don’t understand WHY. There are so many girls just like me out there who, at bottom, feel the same way. Heck, guys joke about finding insecure girls because we’re easy to get into bed. We want so badly to be loved but don’t actually think anyone could love us. And for some reason, that translates into promiscuity even though that’s the last way to get a guy, to get love.

Is this an American phenomenon? I don’t know if European girls are doing better. I also don’t know how to solve this kind of problem because I don’t know where it came from. I’m trying to pin-point where exactly in life I lost my self-worth. Do we all have a particular event in our childhood that killed our ability to love ourselves? Did our daddies not love us enough? Or is it just something chemical, just fucked up brain chemistry that we could never control in the first place?

What happened to this girl? It seems that just as I’m building my confidence, I meet a boy and he brings me back down. Other people break up and they don’t question their worth. Why do I?

How can I fix myself if I don’t know exactly why it’s happening?

How NOT to get past your ex…

A smart girl would do everything in her power to end contact with her ex. What am I doing? Talking to him for hours on AIM. Very healthy of me.

He seems to think that since we were each others’ best friends, we shouldn’t end all contact. Plus, we’re going to get thrown together anyway because of mutual friends. What do I think? I think that even though I know he’s not right for me, I still love him. And even though I wanted to break up with him, today I kept checking on AIM to see when he signed on and whether he would message me. That’s not a good sign. Does anyone else see me getting over him this way? No.

Honestly though, I have no discipline. I stubbornly still want to talk to him. I want him in my life. And another awesome part of me wants him in my life so he can see when I get someone ELSE in my life. Please tell me other people  have petty thoughts like this. I have them all the time. I try not to act on most things, but I’m not sure if just having them makes me a bad person.

Some girl I don’t know posted on his Facebook wall. I felt immediate, scorching jealousy. And this weekend, he’s going to visit his college friends, meaning lots of drinking and possibly meeting other girls. Seeing more green. I mean seriously, how old am I?? I just became an ATTORNEY and I’m staring daggers at some girl’s photo because she left a friendly message on my EX’S wall?! Even if you can get past this whole ludicrous jealousy revolving around FACEBOOK, why am I so upset over a guy I know wasn’t giving me what I needed?

I was doing really well actually. I managed a month without any contact. Took him out of my phone, took him off AIM. Then a friend of ours was in town and we all got together. We all had an amazing time. I started remembering why I had liked this guy in the first place. My girlfriend crashed in the second bedroom, and since he valet parked his car at my place, I told him he could set up the airbed in the living room. We were fine, laughing and talking one minute—and then suddenly we were screaming at each other. I really don’t know what happened. Honestly, neither of us can remember. I don’t know who started it and we were both wasted. We had never yelled at each other during the entire year and eight months we were together. We had never said anything this terrible to each other. It was madness.

I asked him to leave. I sent him what was an amazingly coherent email trying to explain my anger and understand what happened. He called in the morning and apologized and told me he wanted to be friends and he was sure he’d blown it. We went out to lunch, my idea, to try and fix things. Instead, we didn’t end up talking about anything related to our fight. We just joked around like normal. It could have been any other day from when we were dating. We even went to our favorite Indian buffet. Except, of course, that my eyes were obnoxiously puffy from sobbing my guts away all night. Very visibly so; I actually had to keep my sunglasses on in the restaurant like some punk.

You would think, after the kinds of things he said, that that’s all I would need to cut him off. And yet here I am, talking to him like it’s nothing. And he’s doing the same. In terms of sheer need, he’s more lonely than I am. I have more people to hang out with and I’m dating guys here and there. I know he’s lonely since he’s told me so. I mean what do I think is going to happen? He’s going to realize how awesome I am and suddenly shape up? Tell me he still loves me? Magically mature into a guy ready for real commitment?

See the problem is that I still have Hope. Hope is very often a bad thing. Hope lets you dare to dream that maybe, just maybe, he’ll be like other guys you know. My best girlfriend broke up with her boyfriend for almost eight months before he came running back, sad and contrite, ready to do anything for her. Now they’re very happily engaged, living together and planning their wedding. My other girlfriend broke up with her boyfriend for almost a year (they call it the “hiatus”) before they figured things out and moved in together. But that’s not going to be me. I know it, really. I know he’s not that type. I know he just didn’t and doesn’t love me enough. But that damned Hope, she gets you every fucking time.

Hey, we’re not the plague

Why is it that so many men see women who want to settle down and have a family as something akin to the plague?

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of a year and eight months. We had a lot of problems, not the least of which was that his timeline for our future seemed indeterminate. He had just signed another year’s lease with a roommate, which worried me. I asked him if he felt a need to live by himself for a few years, and if so, how long. He said yes, he probably would want to. So then where did that leave us? He didn’t really have an answer. After we had passed the year mark, I tried to have a talk with him every few months attempting to stress that I’m maybe not like other girls he’s dated, that I already know what I want and that I’m not the type of girl you can date for seven years and then maybe start considering marriage. Yet, he didn’t bother letting me know that his near future did not include anything that serious. If I had let it go, he would have let me continue on in this relationship going nowhere soon. Obviously, things came to a head, and now I am one month single. I’m sure there are girls and guys reading this thinking, why would she pressure him like that. Why? Because I know what I want, I loved him and I could see myself with him, and it seems stupid to play games and waste time.

Anyway, I bring this up only because it sparked a discussion between me and a friend of a friend. I don’t know him that well, but the few times I’ve met him made me think he was an interesting person. He’s 35, single, and very opinionated. When my Facebook status went to “single,” he sent me a message meant to make me laugh, and asked if I was ok. He also asked me what had gone wrong since he had been under the impression that I had met the guy I might be marrying. I gave him a few details, saying something about how I had hoped my ex would “step-up” in the relationship but that he wasn’t doing any such thing. Then I tried to take the focus off me, jokingly asking why he was still single since he was a nice guy with a good job, etc. What I got back annoyed the hell out of me:

so what does it mean to “step up” in a relationship? i think when someone has to “try” in a relationship, the relationship is already dead. trying implies “i don’t want to, but i will” and that only spells doom. too many relationships require trying. too many settle. there are too many cliche’s out there that say relationships are hard and that’s just the way it is. they resign themselves to a life of indifference and apathy instead of finding a quality relationship that matches their values…but then again, most people don’t know their values. Socrates said “know thyself”, and most folk think that is a given, but in reality, knowing yourself is very hard work. to know thyself implies knowing your values, purpose, and standards. all i hear is “i want a nice person with a sense of humor and likes to have fun.” what does that mean? who wouldn’t describe themselves as nice, funny, and fun to be with? in a nutshell, most people don’t think deeply enough about their life or their relationships. ok, enough of my tirade 🙂

as for your test tube baby idea, i think that is a great idea 🙂 i have a deal with two girls that i’d be their donor if they needed it since i have great genes and don’t want to raise kids myself. so if you’re 35+ and in need of sperm, just let me know 🙂

i often wonder if not for kids, would men and women want a relationship or would they be satisfied with sex and friendship? what i do know is that the institution of marriage isn’t keeping up the social changes around us. it was instituted in a completely different world, and life is radically different now. not sure what the answer is, but marriage in its current form doesn’t sound very appealing.

as for the girl situation, I’ve sworn off girls till I’m ~40 because i like younger girls (5-10 years younger) and right now, their either too stupid or too in love with the idea of family/children. women between the ages of 25-35 focus hardcore–meaning on a mission– on finding a guy who will be the practical provider (even at the expense of compatibility). i don’t want that life, so I’ll wait till the girls are out of that stage and are more concerned with compatibility, passion, and connection. connection is more important to me than developing a “future vision” of us. i would rather “evolve” than “plan” as a couple. i also have so much going on in my outside life that i want to finish first before venturing back into a relationship. no sense in trying to fool myself of hurt a girl like i did in the past. now i can handle casual dating or random fling occasionally, but that’s about it. i was very serious about finding a wife/future family in my 20’s, and those goals have changed. now i’m much more certain of who i am (which happens somewhere around age 30), and so i plan on pursuing that with passion and zeal and let the relationship happen when all 3 of the essentials align: 1. passion, 2. compatibility (values), and 3. timing (the most overlooked and forced element of the 3). i’m done rambling. told you i’ll say whatever i feel 🙂

ps, congrats on passing the Bar!

talk to you soon, joe

That message made me get up and pace. I walked back and forth for a while half-amazed that this guy, knowing I’m 25, would have the balls to essentially say I’m either stupid or on this apparently distasteful “mission” to find a man who can provide for me and give me babies. My reply:

I think I agree with some, but not all, of your points.

As to the test-tube baby idea, I think it’s a last resort. I know what I want out of life, and kids are included. But at the same time, a child without two parents is not ideal. I don’t want my kid(s) to feel ripped off or resent me, and I also want to make sure I’m home enough to truly be a part of their life. As the only breadwinner, that would be a lot harder going solo. It’s something I joke about doing now, but at the point where I would actually have to consider doing it, I am going to think long and hard beforehand. It’s also not pleasant to go through the process. It’s painful, you’re on hormones, and there are a lot of adverse side effects. It’s not easy on the woman, and it’s expensive to boot.

Relationships: I believe relationships do take work. Obviously it shouldn’t be work in the beginning during the “honeymoon” period, but maybe a year later when things aren’t so new and sparkly. There are so many things in life that we don’t want to do, but because we love people or because we know it will better us, we do them. Relationships are no different. However, at the point that either one or both people in the relationship lose their desire to try to make things work, the relationship is dead. That’s what I was trying to figure out with my ex. If he was willing to try harder to show that he appreciated me, then I would have stayed. If not, I didn’t want to be there. Telling me he fell out of love with me two weeks after I said I needed more from him essentially showed that he did a cost-benefit analysis of the situation, and decided the amount of work he would have to put in didn’t jive with what he felt he was getting. That sucks, but that’s life.

In general, you seem to have a negative attitude toward relationships and commitment. While neither of my relationships has worked out, I think it can work with the right person. I just don’t think too many people are lucky enough to find the right person. I’m not talking about a soul mate; that idea is ridiculous to me. I’m talking about a lot of what you mentioned: someone with the same value system and the right timing. I do believe that regardless of children, men and women would want a relationship. I am not planning on having children until I’m at least 30, but I’m still interested in having a relationship, someone I can care for and vice versa, someone I know is “mine” and I theirs. It’s a good feeling when you come home to someone. I can’t imagine that guys feel so differently. In fact, I think the reason my recent relationship continued so long is because Dan liked the feeling of being IN a relationship, but I just wasn’t the right girl.

You say that marriage in its current form isn’t working in today’s world. I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with marriage, except that it does not include homosexuals. That, however, is a completely different discussion. I don’t think it’s marriage that’s the issue—it’s people and today’s culture. Especially in the U.S., we want everything and we expect to have everything. We think we’re entitled to having a fantastic career while still being able to balance kids and a dog. We expect to marry someone with a hundred great qualities and with whom we can have passionate, wild sex. We expect that that passion is never going to wane, and when it does, we say that must not be the right person for us. I love sex, but I think love is a lot deeper; it’s affection and caring at a level where we want and can be less selfish. I think nowadays, with sex constantly thrown at us, we’re giving more attention to the physical and overlooking the quieter side of love until it’s too late. Today, we have one big fight, and say that if this was “right,” it wouldn’t be so hard to be together. I’m not saying we should settle, I just think we’re asking for too much too soon. I’m also not saying that everyone should get married. The idea of marriage obviously does not appeal to you, and that’s perfectly fine. I just don’t think that because it doesn’t work for you, that it is void of value for everyone.

As to women between the ages of 25 and 35—I definitely take offense to your categorization of us all being too stupid or too in love with the idea of family/children. Being naïve because we haven’t been in the world as long as you is not the same as stupidity. Knowing that you want a family and children is not a bad thing; on the contrary, at least those girls know what they want out of life. Being proactive in the small window of fertility we have left is also not something to scoff at. I have an uncommon understanding of the world of infertility because of my mother’s work, and it’s not pretty. If there’s one thing that puts an incredible amount of pressure on a marriage, going through the IVF process is it. Nor do I think all women my age are looking for “providers”. I’m certainly not because I can sure as hell provide for myself just like plenty of other women out there. I’m looking for a partner and a companion, not a checkbook. Nor am I stupid enough to think I’m super original or independent; there are plenty of other women just like me looking for the same things. Maybe you have not encountered a broad enough spectrum of women. I imagine once you start working, it’s harder to meet a diverse crowd. Regardless, my point is that you seem to think there is something wrong with a girl my age and older thinking about having a family and trying to find the guy to do it with. I don’t see why it’s a bad thing. Family is very important to many people, and the idea of starting one of your own is in no way strange or repugnant. It’s fine if that’s not your vision, but you are, maybe unconsciously, denigrating a perfectly valid life goal. Worse yet, you seem to feel superior because you are swearing off that goal.

On a less touchy topic, thanks for the congrats on my Bar results. It feels amazing to be a real attorney. I’m having my signing-in ceremony on Thursday and for the first time I’m actually excited about doing something solemn and traditional. I really feel like it’s a privilege to practice law and I’m excited about starting my career.

~Bittrsweet

The reason I’m posting these messages is because I feel like men sometimes shame women into feeling bad about wanting to find our life companion and possibly having kids in a few years. I want women to stop and question that shame. Why is it such a bad thing? Why do we have to talk to our girlfriends and our mothers and a whole crowd of people about when the “best time” would be to bring up the future with our significant other? Why are “future” and “marriage” such bad words? Why do guys nowadays in their mid- to late twenties start back-pedaling so fast when you try to discuss those subjects? They love that you cook them dinner, listen to how their day went, support them when they’re worried about something, give them your body—and yet as soon as you want to give them all of this and more permanently, they freak out.

Why guys are so scared—that’s really a different discussion. Mostly, this guy’s message just made me really sit down and think about how women now are actually made to feel bad about wanting what humans have wanted since the beginning–stability and family. Especially career women. It’s like we’re betraying our independent female selves if we say, hey, I do want to get married. I am ready to settle down, if I could find the right person. I would like to have kids, and while I’m young enough to do it without third persons poking at my ovaries.

Screw that. I know what I want and no guy is going to make me feel bad about that or about asking him where he sees things going ever again. My time is precious, so why should I waste it pretending to be casual about a subject that is not at all casual to my heart? And guys, stop looking at us like we’re the devil. If you’re not ready, tell us early. But don’t you dare look down on these desires as somehow weak or bad and then complain to your friends that we’re on a “mission” and really killing the mood.

On a positive tangent, yes I am now a certified attorney! 🙂 More on that later.

i love this city

i haven’t written for a long while. i’m in a completely different place in my life (literally and figuratively).

i’m going to law school in paradise. i love it here. having a bad day? go outside, take a walk, smile because you’re surrounded by beauty 365 days of the year. it’s 82 right now. in a little while i’m going to head out by the pool and do some criminal procedure : )

law school is an interesting place. smart people are neurotic (including yours truly). observing these neuroses never gets old though. lots of drama too, i just joined a facebook group called “highschool called, they want their drama back”.

i’ve made some really close friends. there was a time a few years ago when i was sure that if i died in my dorm room, no one would discover me until my rotting body offended their senses (lovely i know). i don’t feel that here. yes, i do get lonely on occasion, but i never have that doubt anymore that someone won’t call me in at least one day. people check up on me if they know something went wrong, or if i was sick, or if i’m back in town, and they even deal with me when i drink too much and act retarded. i have good friends. makes me feel all rosy inside, as corny as that sounds.

i’m sort of involved with a boy as well. he’s four years older than me, in all my classes at law school, and absolutely beautiful. but far more than that, he’s like no one i’ve ever met–quirky, deep, easy-going, so damned funny, fun-loving, sweet, worldly, cocky but still very aware that he isn’t perfect. we’re completely different, so i don’t know if it will work out. but i’ve discovered something actually pretty mind-blowing for me–if we don’t work out, i’ll be ok. i’ll be incredibly sad, but i’m not going to go over the deep end. it will be absolutely terrible because this boy is just amazing, but i know i don’t have a lot of experience with dating nor have i matured enough to practice the self-control i need to make something work with someone who is a lot older not just in years but in wisdom. sometimes i think we just meet people at the wrong time. BUT just because the timing might be off, that doesn’t mean I’M off. there are plenty of people i think are worthwhile but i can’t be with that way. so whether this works or not, it has nothing to do with MY worth. i’m still a person with good intentions and good goals. i want to work hard, i want to help people, i’m compassionate. i’m certainly not a saint, but i love more than just myself, and even though i fall into deep dark holes every now and then, i’ve finally gotten the hang of pulling myself out of them and appreciating what i do have and who i am. it’s a slow process with a few steps back every now and then, but i’m making progress and that’s certainly something.

all of this has made me think about how people feel about themselves. so many of us, deep down, don’t think we’re worth it. we feel privileged that someone pays attention to us. we’re amazed when someone we think is beautiful inside and out acknowledges us. why this happens? i can’t answer. all i can say is that whether it takes repeating to yourself every day in the mirror that i am something, then do it, and one day you’ll believe it. just look around and think for a second: would i have these friends, these wonderful people, would i have these family who seem to love me not just because they have to but because of whatever goofy things you do and whatever ambitions you have, because of me.

so, everyone needs to realize that. and then it’s all about confidence, baby!

and now i’m off to get into a bathing suit and enjoy some sun! (ps i’m finally thin, 109 pounds all done without dieting, but because i barely use my car since it’s so beautiful to walk around here and just take long walks. that’s one goal down!).