i love this city

i haven’t written for a long while. i’m in a completely different place in my life (literally and figuratively).

i’m going to law school in paradise. i love it here. having a bad day? go outside, take a walk, smile because you’re surrounded by beauty 365 days of the year. it’s 82 right now. in a little while i’m going to head out by the pool and do some criminal procedure : )

law school is an interesting place. smart people are neurotic (including yours truly). observing these neuroses never gets old though. lots of drama too, i just joined a facebook group called “highschool called, they want their drama back”.

i’ve made some really close friends. there was a time a few years ago when i was sure that if i died in my dorm room, no one would discover me until my rotting body offended their senses (lovely i know). i don’t feel that here. yes, i do get lonely on occasion, but i never have that doubt anymore that someone won’t call me in at least one day. people check up on me if they know something went wrong, or if i was sick, or if i’m back in town, and they even deal with me when i drink too much and act retarded. i have good friends. makes me feel all rosy inside, as corny as that sounds.

i’m sort of involved with a boy as well. he’s four years older than me, in all my classes at law school, and absolutely beautiful. but far more than that, he’s like no one i’ve ever met–quirky, deep, easy-going, so damned funny, fun-loving, sweet, worldly, cocky but still very aware that he isn’t perfect. we’re completely different, so i don’t know if it will work out. but i’ve discovered something actually pretty mind-blowing for me–if we don’t work out, i’ll be ok. i’ll be incredibly sad, but i’m not going to go over the deep end. it will be absolutely terrible because this boy is just amazing, but i know i don’t have a lot of experience with dating nor have i matured enough to practice the self-control i need to make something work with someone who is a lot older not just in years but in wisdom. sometimes i think we just meet people at the wrong time. BUT just because the timing might be off, that doesn’t mean I’M off. there are plenty of people i think are worthwhile but i can’t be with that way. so whether this works or not, it has nothing to do with MY worth. i’m still a person with good intentions and good goals. i want to work hard, i want to help people, i’m compassionate. i’m certainly not a saint, but i love more than just myself, and even though i fall into deep dark holes every now and then, i’ve finally gotten the hang of pulling myself out of them and appreciating what i do have and who i am. it’s a slow process with a few steps back every now and then, but i’m making progress and that’s certainly something.

all of this has made me think about how people feel about themselves. so many of us, deep down, don’t think we’re worth it. we feel privileged that someone pays attention to us. we’re amazed when someone we think is beautiful inside and out acknowledges us. why this happens? i can’t answer. all i can say is that whether it takes repeating to yourself every day in the mirror that i am something, then do it, and one day you’ll believe it. just look around and think for a second: would i have these friends, these wonderful people, would i have these family who seem to love me not just because they have to but because of whatever goofy things you do and whatever ambitions you have, because of me.

so, everyone needs to realize that. and then it’s all about confidence, baby!

and now i’m off to get into a bathing suit and enjoy some sun! (ps i’m finally thin, 109 pounds all done without dieting, but because i barely use my car since it’s so beautiful to walk around here and just take long walks. that’s one goal down!).

one week into law school and…

…wow am i messing up. i’ve been so good for orientation and the first week of classes. i’m a smart girl, i think i’m handling the work fine, but after the very first week of intense classes, a bunch of us went to a party last night and let loose.

perhaps a little too loose. i’ve really been trying to limit the drinking because i know i’m not controlled. anyway, had too much last night (does this sound familiar?), ended up hitting on a really cute guy much too intensely. very embarrassed. law school is a small place. rumors fly. this boy probably thinks i’m easy from the way i acted. i don’t need that reputation. although who knows, i may be overreacting. a lot of these people party much harder than i ever have. maybe i just take these things more seriously. i just hate the idea of having anything taint the seriousness with which i’m approaching law school. i’m extremely career-oriented. i want to do something that matters, in this case public interest in the form of child advocacy and domestic violence. i want people to see that side of me, to respect me, not laugh at my drunken antics. and i’m NOT a whore. i’m just lonely. as much as i want to concentrate on school, that loneliness is still getting to me. why is it so hard to sleep alone? why is it so much to ask for someone to be your best friend who you can cuddle up with and make breakfast for in the morning? why does this matter so much to me? other people are fine being alone. i don’t understand my neediness. i’m only 22. plenty of people haven’t been in relationships yet and they’re dealing.

i’ve met a lot of nice guys, one especially who i like hanging out with. he’s not that cute necessarily, but he’s intelligent, cultured, open-minded, and reminds me far too much of Dream Boy. i should stay away from him. ironically, he lives in the same complex. he thinks i’m very intelligent, especially after he saw the books in my apartment. apparently, if i want to impress someone, i should leave out the economist and a book about existentialism. torts is giving him a hard time, so we’re studying together now.

he came out last night too. and saw me wasted. i have the feeling that’s going to cancel out whatever impression my reading material gave him.

i love the idea of starting over, starting fresh. i had that, moving here to miami for school, and now i’ve already misstepped. i think the greatest life lesson i need to learn is how to live with my mistakes, get past them, and not let them further erode my self-worth.

all my issues, they’re of my own making. miami is beautiful. i love it here. i exclaim over every palm tree. i love the crazy rainstorms while the sun is still shining away. i love how much there is to do, the diversity, the color. i love the law school. campus is like some oasis. we have a lake right in the middle with crocodiles in them. i love the spanish tile, the crazy colors everyone paints their houses, the intenseness of the sun.

i’m interested in what i’m learning, even though there’s far more work than i’ve ever attempted before. law is slippery, complex, paradoxical. it’s all about believing in something and twisting all the rules you can find to support your side of the story. i know that sounds terrible, but it just emphasizes the power of language. luckily, i want to use that power for good ;p

the point is, i have every reason to be happy here. let’s not let one little drunken incident and caring about what people think about me get in the way, eh?

and now i’m going to go make love to my civil procedure casebook. that should be the only thing i get up close and personal with.

letter to my roommate

so things have gotten out of control with my roommate. i don’t even want to go into what set it off. it’s completely disproportionate to the aftermath.

the facts: she’s stubborn, illogical, crazy. this is said while i’m absolutely logical, sober, etc. she really is nuts. i don’t think she’s bad-hearted or anything like that though.

meanwhile, i’m short-tempered, impulsive, awkward, and also stubborn. this has led to an almost two month silence between us. mind you, we live in the same small apartment.

i decided to write her a letter and stick it under her door since i’m way too intimidated to approach her and she hasn’t tried to talk to me. here it is, names changed of course:

Tiffany,

I’m typing this because I know my handwriting is atrocious.

I hung out with Rhonda, who, good-hearted person that she is, is trying to urge me to be the same. I’ll be honest: I don’t want to be friends with you. We had something for a while; you were outgoing and fun, I was shy and serious—we worked. Well it doesn’t anymore. I don’t agree with anything you say or do, and you vice versa. That’s fine, we’re just different people. I have my issues, and you have yours. I think that we actually have a lot of the same problems. Insecurity, etc. But we don’t face them the same way, and honestly, I don’t think either of us is effective in dealing with our issues. I can say that I haven’t been the best friend to you. I’m too self-involved, trying to work out everything that’s wrong with me and sometimes stuff I think you need to talk/work out, I wasn’t there. I don’t even know if this makes sense to you. I just feel like sometimes you put on a tough front when you’re not really sure of things, i.e. you’re future, weight, etc. I’m not saying any of this to offend you. You know me, I can’t stand my body and agonize over every event in my life. But, I never tried to help you with your stuff, I just let it go because I didn’t want to get into an argument or hurt your feelings or make life harder for myself during an attempt to make you cognizant of something maybe not so healthy for you.

That said, just because I don’t want to be friends with you doesn’t mean I hate you. Frustrated, yes. I know this last fight was half me and half you. My problem was that you wanted to make it one hundred percent me. I know it’s not. I will not blame all our issues on me and if you are then you need to take a good look at yourself.

That’s over though. At this point I’m just taking my cues from you. I’ll act however you want me to. I didn’t send you the email about senior week because I wanted to look good to the other girls. Girls talk—or at least I do—and I’m sure they know we’ve had issues. We have the same friends and I don’t want to make it uncomfortable or exclude you. As it is, everything’s split between all of us even more because of Susan and Katharine. And I also worry that maybe you don’t hang out with say Kristine or Jessie as much just because I DO hang out with them. It’s your senior year too and I’m not trying to take that away from you. I was trying to be fair and I’m hurt you would think otherwise. I don’t always do the right or the adult thing, but I don’t purposely plan out things to hurt people. Whenever I do end up doing something mean, it’s impulsive bad-temperedness that I regret afterwards.

If you go to senior week (and you should), I won’t make things weird as long as you don’t. Like I said, I’ll take my cues from you. If I think you hate me (which I do think), I’ll go ice and ignore you completely because I don’t know what else to do. As I did today while I was sitting in the lounge. We don’t have to be friends to be nice to each other. It would be cool if we could hang out in the same room without being too uncomfortable. Or making things uncomfortable for our mutual friends. Example, it’s Kristine’s birthday soon and I’m sure she’d want all her friends to be there. Or Rhonda who gets caught in between our different sides of the story.

It was weird today. You know I didn’t ever realize that it was you who came back with Susan? Rhonda didn’t either because we didn’t see your face. When I came into Susan’s room, I didn’t realize either. Sounds dumb, but Katharine said Susan went out with her cousin, so in my unobservant state, I thought you were her cousin. Then Susan told me but it seemed strange to just come up to you and say Hi considering we pretend we’re living alone here. It doesn’t feel right to ignore someone in the room with you, same APARTMENT as you, and I’d rather not do it anymore.

There’s a lot of other stuff I think and feel about this situation, but I don’t even know if you care or if it matters so this is it. It’s not as if I wish you badly. I hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for. I know that the only thing keeping me going IS going to Miami Law and my new start-over life there. Otherwise, I’m pretty lost. I hope you find something like that.

That’s about it,

bittrsweet

wonder what tomorrow will bring? if anything. haha, what if it’s too long she doesn’t even finish reading it?

am i trying too hard? i don’t like her, but i don’t want her to be miserable. maybe she doesn’t even care about any of this like i do. maybe she hasn’t even thought about it.  maybe i’m being completely overdramatic and illogical with the entire letter even though my intentions were the exact opposite.

maybe i’m doing all this to feel better about myself. maybe it’s partly this and partly really wanting to be nice. and of course, i’m overthinking all of this while she’s dead asleep in the next room.

split personality

life must have been a lot simpler before the internet. now you can talk to anyone wherever you are, whatever the time, you can stalk away messages and myspace profiles, surreptitiously scan the facebook feed, look at photos of someone you haven’t seen for so long that their face would blur if you didn’t keep reminding yourself…

it’s being able to talk to anyone whenever you want to, whatever you look like at the time, sitting in bed with the laptop propped on your lap. and at the same time, it’s agonizing over the desire to talk to the one person you really want to message.

but on the plus side, there are things i want AND can have! for example, forget snow and bone-chilling wind and dreariness that gets into you and doesn’t leave for nine months. it’s palm trees, baby! i’m going to university of miami law in the fall and i can’t wait!! i visited; it’s like a resort. it’s unreal. and i’m going to be a part of it. i already signed a lease on a condo. i feel utterly grown up (let’s forget the teensy fact that my parents are paying for it all…). i can’t wait for it. new place to start over, plus i’ll be doing something useful, something for my future career. i actually am excited to work hard, corny as that sounds. i want to prove myself. i think i do have it in myself to be a hard-working contributing member of society who might eventually be able to focus on something other than herself and the negatives of the world. i do.

welcome to my split-personality. it’s how i function every day 🙂

raquet fever

as i keep getting sick, i’ve missed way too many classes. today i made my temperature-wracked body go to class regardless. i was light-headed and basically sweating through my clothes. i mean it. soaked through.

quite attractive, let me tell you. in fact, if you can believe it, after practically hacking a lung out over some poor homeless person while i was walking, and of course sweating like a pig, some dude still had the nerve (and desire?!) to follow me for a block. <sigh> you men, i don’t get it.

but no, this was all actually rather amusing as it happened. maybe all that light-headedness.

today was also the first day of raquetball, part of my necessary gym requirement. yeah i’m the only girl amongst 24 guys.

so, picture a five-foot-nothing girl, sweating her face off (possibly stinking?), wearing ridiculous looking raquetball goggles, trying to dodge this crazy little ball that apparently bounces off every wall in a room. picture her also valiantly attempting to throw herself out of the way of three big, muscular man-boys in the same court whipping racquets around like they were trying to behead someone (me). i’m going to be wounded one day, i know it. had i known what raquetball was, i never would have signed up. damn ball is everywhere. argh.

luckily, i was allowed to switch to singles. i think the guy in charge of the class had pity on me. some other boy (who had been quietly smiling on the sidelines while i tried to avoid being hit by racquets and rogue balls) also had pity and played with me for the rest of the period. and didn’t laugh too much.

somehow, i don’t think i’ll be much better even without a temperature. but maybe i won’t sweat so much. that’s a plus.

POLL: best days

was it better being a little kid? no responsibilities, lots of gifts and people telling you you’re cute? middle school? the golden days of high school? undergrad or grad if you went? that first job? the 20’s? the 30’s? does it all go downhill past then? or do you think being an old biddy and grandpa is the way to go?

contrasts

last night i hung out with two of my guy friends, separately.

braniac called me stressed out and wanting to hang out, so we went to our favorite neighborhood wine bar for two hours. i’m always amazed at how easy it is for us to talk. i’m not comfortable with most people, although sometimes if i’m in the Zone as i like to call it, i can be outgoing and funny. but with brainiac, it’s easy. it’s not as if i was even drinking. i went with diet coke. he makes me feel interesting and intelligent. he’s the most well-read intelligent person i know. he knows about everything. i love to listen to him talk.

we went from talking about law school, relationships, to the meaning of life. seriously, we talked about the meaning of life. he’s been reading about this theory physicists have formed about the end of the universe. apparently there is this theoretical principle of an absolute freezing point which occurs at -273 degrees C. it’s theoretical because it can’t be demonstrated on earth. anyways, when this occurs, all molecules just stop moving. it…freezes. and that’s how physicists believe the universe will end. everything will eventually just….stop.

brainiac was really upset about this. he hates the idea of an end to everything. man loves the idea of eternity. we admire places like the grand canyon, or the himalayas, or other magnificent places and we can practically feel time. it’s as if, even after our life fades away, there’s a sense of the generations after us, of the continuance of everything we have known. change, but still permanency. it’s comforting.

so, the earth will cease to exist after the sun runs out of energy in ~5 billion years. previously there was some idea of the universe expanding to a certain point whereupon it would then contract upon itself and re-big bang, over and over for all time. ie, eternity. the chance for life, over and over again. it’s a nice thought. was a nice thought.

anyway, braniac wasn’t so pleased by his newest discovery. it doesn’t bother me, because none of that concerns me. i’d rather concentrate on now. my meaning doesn’t come from eternity. i know things come to an end, but in my mind that doesn’t denigrate the little happinesses we enjoy now in our life for our small time.

two hours passed by like twenty minutes. so easy, so relaxed. this is probably hard for most people to understand but i rarely ever feel like this. my mind is constant whirring and there’s a hundred thoughts in my head about what people are thinking about me and whether i’m making an ok impression or this or that or all these other ridiculous but completely uncontrollable thoughts that i have all the time without relief. with brainiac, i’m myself. it’s chill. it’s too bad i’m not at all attracted to him. or maybe that would ruin what we have?

well i didn’t want to leave but i had plans to catch a movie and a bite to eat with my friend the ranger. ranger wanted to see 300, so we went to that. it was interesting. i’m never opposed to watching large amounts of beautiful half-naked men running around. the cinematography was amazing as well. but plot and dialogue-wise, i was under-impressed. definitely geared more towards men. the ranger, being a ranger, liked it.

afterwards we went to a bar/restaurant. i didn’t really want to drink anything but he kept pushing for it so i eventually gave in. it was uncomfortable. we end up just doing small-talk. he tells me i’m pretty and a great person a lot. this just makes me more uncomfortable because then it’s more like he wishes this was a date rather than us hanging out.

we met through beautiful boy, my first love. ranger’s actually his best friend, but ironically is completely into me while his friend isn’t. at the time, ranger was obviously on his way to the army to become a ranger. we kept in touch over the phone and mostly through AIM. he’s a nice guy, good heart and all that. he’s not my type and we have nothing in common, but i could tell he needed someone to talk to just to kind of deal with what he was going through. so we did. and over AIM, it was great for a while. this went on for about three years. then he was out of the army and back home, and we’ve hung out a few times but it’s mostly just weird. partly my fault because i get flirty sometimes, but it’s just fun flirty. i knew he was attracted to me, but so are most of my guy friends. i didn’t realize he actually LIKE liked me in the i-want-to-date-you way. lol, i mean that never seems to happen so how could i tell?

so it was mostly just a lot of silences and him gazing at me with That Look. along with him getting me a lot of drinks. i think he knows i’m a lot more relaxed with a few drinks downed so he was trying to hurry that along (or maybe he thought i’d be more amenable to heading home with him? i’m sure there’s some truth in this). i knew the amount we were having wasn’t going to affect me so i was ok with it and mentioned that i was expected at my parent’s house at a certain time so we should wrap up the drinking aspect.

we left and i found out my car had been towed. he felt extremely guilty because he had urged me to park there, saying he does all the time and never gets towed. i wasn’t mad at him and all in all it worked out ok. we were able to get the car and split the cost 50-50. definitely not money i have to spend, but what can you do? these aren’t the things i get upset about. at least it ended an uncomfortable night because the mood was ruined and i just said i wanted to head home.

what is it that makes us ok with one person and not with another when they’re both nice guys? i went from being so comfortable to overwhelmingly stilted in less than an hour. i went from being myself completely to being completely unsure of myself. is this how everyone is? i feel like i should be able to keep that sense of me and how i act and what i say from person to person regardless. I’M supposed to have ownership over my own personality, so why does it feel like others have more control over me than me?

susie homemaker

(added to on 2/19) 

hey, for once it’s a story about someone besides myself messing up!

girls, don’t do this; boys, be on the look-out:

picture an extremely intelligent 21-year-old girl in college. she scores at the top of her classes regularly in the pre-med program, and yet switches to nursing. she does this not because she doesn’t enjoy what she’s learning, but because she wants a less demanding career so she can get married and immerse herself in becoming Susie Homemaker. in fact, as soon as humanly possible, she wants to be a stay-at-home wife. this, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call earning an M.R.S. (for you slow ones out there, going to college solely to find a husband). beware of these girls wasting their parents’ money and their own time because by month four of dating, you may be the boyfriend pressured into contemplating engagement rings or the best friend who has to listen to eternal, insipid conversation only about said boyfriend.

i’m neither of these direct parties, but it looks even worse from further out.

i’ve known susie homemaker since freshman year, we’re all part of the same loose group of girlfriends. she’s very smart, many times awesomely outrageous, witty, and attractive. when she’s good, she’s good to be around. but through the years we’ve all noticed this vein of underlying insecurity, seemingly much worse than mine. from things she’s said, it’s easy to see that she doesn’t value singleness. she sees it as a lesser existence and wants nothing else in the world but a boyfriend.

it’s strange to look through her eyes and understand what boyfriend means to her. i know on my part, i’m lonely. i want someone to be close to. i feel that a partner, like friends, will improve life (plus the sex stuff is good), but i don’t expect it to be the heart and soul of my world. i guess i picture it as having a best-best-friend; it just makes life more tolerable, more fun because there’s someone you can be easy around and share your day (and night). hence, in my situation where i’m lacking a best friend and am suffering severe sexual deprivation, singleness is thoroughly infuriating. susie’s reasoning, however, is much more ominous. she really seems to think that we’re all running around as half a person, and that until we find someone to link up with, we’re inferior. this is obviously nutso. there is nothing wrong, and plenty of people in favor of, singleness. plus, there are plenty of wonderful human beings out there who might not have the timing or the luck to run into someone who suits them. my mother is a wonderful whole person. she had an arranged marriage to my father, a man who means well, but doesn’t always end well. i would not see her coupleness as superior or contributing to her “wholeness”. and had she remained single her entire life, i would have attributed it to being so gung-ho about her work that she never stopped to really look, or maybe just never met anyone compatible enough.

ever since this particular susie homemaker scored a boyfriend, she seems determined to make her best friend/roommate feel substandard. here’s the gist of what she said to her roommate earlier today:

hey, are you doing anything tonight? oh ok. well i was going to have over <boyfriend>’s friends and their girlfriends. so, you might want to go hang out somewhere else, like stay over because otherwise you’ll probably feel obligated to stay in your room all night.

hmmm. so usually, one would go out of one’s way to make someone feel at home when a single friend might be uncomfortable in a couples situation. this is especially true when one is sharing one’s living space with the odd girl out. usually, one wouldn’t make it sound as if one wants the single girl to leave, as if she is a leper, when one invites other couples over…..

my own and others’ experiences with susie have dived into a negative tailspin. all roads lead to loverboy, as three hours of dinner conversation invariably showed. the girl is freaking out every other minute about something her boyfriend says. in just my presence, she asked eight different girls she knows to read the card he gave her because she interpreted it as implying imminent breakup. the letter said that he has really loved the past four months they’ve shared together. that’s all. really.

luckily there were five other girls to drown her voice out at dinner tonight. i observed as she first felt me, then three other girls out on responsiveness to her boring and trivial stories. i’m definitely the wrong person to pick, whether currently single or attached, to describe the special pink valentines day cocktails she concocted with this special dye she bought, or the types of flowers she specially ordered and arranged, or the glittery vday card she made, or the kinds of candles she lit specifically purchased for the dinner, or the food she made and the ridiculous care she took, and blah blah blah. maybe the stuff she did wasn’t really that over the top, although i’m still wondering why bother because the boy is definitely not going to care. i’m not the cutesy type, most of that kind of thing seems like a waste of time and pukily corny, but either way, the conversation about it was unnecessary, especially in the face of glazed over eyes and noncommital replies.

in the blizzard that hit here a few days ago, susie homemaker gets her car stuck in the parking lot. she calls her roommate down to help her and roommate is trying her best to shovel susie’s car out (in a blizzard) while susie sits in the (heated) car trying to drive it out of the drift. boyfriend arrives on the scene and helps roommate while susie is still in the car. another kind neighbor joins the mission. all three are shoveling away and susie apparently says, “oh <boyfriend>, your hands are going to be frostbitten, oh stop, oh stop! i can’t stand it!”, finally making him go inside for a bit while they continue. forget that loyal roommate has been shoveling for over an hour before boyfriend even arrived on the scene to help. i would come to the same conclusion as my friend—susie just doesn’t care about anyone else all that much anymore.

susie golden quote:

god i hate that girl laura. she’s really just horrible. i can’t believe she’s a wife. she shouldn’t be allowed to be, it’s just not fair that she’s married when she can’t do anything and i’m not but i would be so good at everything. it’s just not fair.

some of susie’s expenses:

• 28 dollar bottles of wine
• dozens of pricey scented candles
• many, many dinners out where she covered herself and her broke boy toy for filet mignon and other expensive goodies
• sexy clothes and lingerie for boyfriend
• special cherries that cost twice the amount of red cherries for a dessert she was making for boyfriend
• individually picked fresh flowers to arrange as the centerpiece during the many dinners she cooks him

what susie neglected to spend on:

• two months worth of utilities for the apartment, asking her much more money-strapped roommate to cover for her while at the same time going into gross detail about how expensive everything she buys for her boyfriend is
• sorority dues, which means she had to deactivate for the semester

to think that this girl was actually a kind, caring, normal friend not four months ago.

something i watched a long time back but seems relevant is a sex in the city episode where the main girl whatsherface talks about all the different events she goes to and all the presents she buys for people—weddings, baby showers, engagment parties, anniversaries—all of which involve couples. the only events she goes to for single people are birthdays, which attached people obviously also share. she asks why there isn’t a day for single people. why do we only celebrate and buy expensive gifts for those who choose to get married and have families? it’s as if no one’s actually announcing that single equals bad, but the way our society functions reinforces that idea.

slightly tangential, i recently read toni morrison’s sula. quick synopsis is that two girls, the best of friends, break up when one of the girls sleeps with the husband of the other. this betrayal seems to warrant the scorned wife’s anger, but morrison raises an intriguing point: why do we value love between husband and wife as transcending love between friends? i mean really, why does a man you’ve known a few years trump a friend you’ve known since you were three? ok obviously people are going to offer all sorts of darwinian explanation of family survival, etc, which are all completely true. but it’s still an interesting point. you know when someone asks if you’re going out with such and such boy and you say, “oh no, we’re just friends”, why is it damningly clear that friendship is less than?

in conclusion, there’s nothing wrong with single. we shouldn’t have to apologize for it, or endure looks of pity when we’re forty and say “it’s Ms. actually”. please don’t be that girl who wraps her entire life around a boy, looks foolish, and still has the audacity to pity us because guess what? i wouldn’t bet much on a life where everything you are about is tied to your kids and husband while they have their own rewarding spheres of life which don’t include you.

fuzzy future

as usual, insomnia had me up around 6:30 AM with nothing productive done four hours later since my eyes burned from lack of sleep but my brain buzzed too much to allow any pleasant pillow time. i gave up.

i read a book instead called Full Disclosure about law school and lawyers. after turning the last page, a question churned in my mind: is this what i want?

here’s the situation: i’m not ready for the real world yet. i don’t want a full-time job. i like to learn and it feels like i should take advantage of this age and time to do as much of that as possible. i also want to leave ohio and become more sophisticated about my world and environment. i like big cities. graduate school of some sort on the east coast seems the obvious answer. i meandered through undergrad doing what was easiest and most enjoyable for me, english and psychology. obviously, my future career choices are narrowed by that unless i want to go back to undergrad for more. those who pursue english have a bright future in the food and service industry, and i can’t see myself as a psychologist/psychiatrist considering my own issues. nor do i want to do tedious psych research. so those are out.

obviously part of why i chose law had to do with what i’m good at. i like to write. i’m a thorough and knowledgeable researcher, able and willing to search through articles, books, etc patiently and cognizant of my resources. i like to argue for my points. i enjoy looking over a finished papers and seeing how logically i’ve formulated my argument. i’m actually not a bad speaker once i stop thinking about it. i can be funny.

then there are less admirable reasons. i grew up in a family of doctors, and indian doctors at that. they make a lot of money, and really only consider professional (business, law, medicine) careers as “real” jobs. musicians, travel agents, car salesman, comic book artist—all are not really considered as respectable or respect-worthy. such is the elitism of my family and indians alike. i believe such a view is completely incorrect while at the same time, having been brain-washed all my life, still want to pursue one of these professional options. obviously part of it is wanting my family’s approval and pride. plus, i am an intellectual elitist, as are my parents. i think anyone who has always pursued academics and does go to undergrad and grad school would have to be. hence my desire to do something that displays more of my brain (because it’s what we deem as important) than maybe graphic design would (another option i was thinking about in highschool).

things that other people consider doing never seriously cross my mind. taking a year off, doing odd jobs like working a cruise ship for a year or joining the peace corp all sound exciting and colorful (adjectives i feel are missing from my own life). i really respect the spontaneity and, to me, courage it takes to delay career/financial stability and marriage deadlines. obviously the family wouldn’t approve of such off-roading. and maybe it’s the fact that i am so very sheltered even at the age of 21, but i can’t even imagine being able to handle all the new experiences and responsibilities of those endeavors. they seem surreal. i feel like a baby and this baby seems to think going the straight and easy route is the safest solution.

well this book is telling me that this isn’t the easiest route—ever. i mean yes i’m not so dumb as to think law school will be a breeze and that i’ll somehow be the exception to the rule of 70-80 hour work weeks. i guess i just expect that it’s going to be worth it. but what if it isn’t? what if the career isn’t as fulfilling as i expect it will be, need it to be, and as some of the contributors to the book warn it won’t be?

i know that i’m capable of hard work. i know i care about issues and people. i know i’m capable of great passion for a cause i believe in. i need to be needed, to have people come to me for my help and my expertise. i want to feel, for once in my life, that i’m doing something useful. i want to do work which uses my intelligence, and yes, i do want people to admire me for it.

at the same time, i don’t know if i’m a work-a-holic. i’m choosing a career that for many people is their one and only in life. i think that in a way i did this consciously, because something more surreal to me than stepping off the beaten path is marriage and children and friends. between looking at my parents’ life and witnessing my own personal problems, i can’t imagine anyone wanting to marry me. i can’t imagine being adult enough to have children. i can’t imagine having a solid social network with parties and barbeques and tennis dates and vacations with other couples.

by surreal i don’t mean i don’t want these things. if you know anything about me by now, it’s that i want these things more than anything else. i also want a career, but i’m choosing the one where, just in case all that stuff doesn’t happen, then at least i have my job to give me fulfillment. don’t get me wrong, in the back of my head, i’m still looking at the male-to-female ratio at law schools, remembering melodic girl and boys names, and looking at locations where there’s lots to do with friends. i can’t not do that, but i’m also getting myself deeper and deeper into a commitment to a draining career.

i have what seems like a nice picture of my future sans marriage and extensive social circle: less office work and more litigation. i’m interested in “doing good”so i expect to join a public interest, or at the very least private firm that strongly pushes pro bono work. i’ll lose some cases, but there will be the conviction that the world is a little bit better for me being on it. i’ll have a dog; not one of those yappy drop-kick types, but a big, real dog. maybe a cat too. i’ll have a nice apartment downtown with nice things inside. one room will be a library. i’ll have an amazing entertainment system and ridiculously soft leather couches on which to watch my extensive DVD collection. i’ll always have fresh flowers in a vase. the walls will be covered with hand-picked artwork. there’ll be a crazy neighbor i’ll alternative be amused and annoyed by. i’ll be a wine connoisseur. i’ll have my own favorite coffee spot and restaurant where people know my order or save the best table for me. i’ll join a book club and relax at the same favorite music bar or club every weekend and order my “regular” drink, something sexy and obscure. i’ll meet attractive men and have great sex if not great relationships. i’ll go on business trips often, and every now and then have time to go on vacations to europe, asia, or islands i’ve fleetingly heard of like tahiti or fiji. i’ll collect something from all of them. statues, jewelry, currency—something. i’ll stay close with my family and go home to celebrate holidays. in my mid-to-late 30’s, maybe i’ll adopt a child or two from asia. i’ll start family traditions for them to carry out, like buying one special christmas ornaments every year or having a family night every week. i might eventually teach law or write a novel. or both.

so the big question is, is this picture possible and fulfilling enough not to throw myself off a building when i hit forty? because i’m banking on it.

disconnected

i feel so disconnected from my world.

there’s a party going on across the hall. one of the boys there, as always, came over to invite us. i would go, just to meet people, not be alone, if my roommate would come. it’s hard to walk into a party of people you don’t know all by yourself. if i was that confident, i wouldn’t be having the problems i am.

instead, she’s gone to bed. i’m here with a half-filled glass of diet coke and rum. the diet is pointless because i’ve lost all control. and yet, no amount of food can counteract this emptiness inside me. this hole. how to explain, i don’t know.

i’m watching some MTV “dating” show. it makes me feel even more disconnected. when have i ever acted like these people? i don’t CARE. now it’s the real world, denver. the blonde kid oh so seriously sits in front of the camera exclaiming over the ridiculousness he’s just now seeing in the bible. he’s gay. i’m so tired of this, of religion.

it’s not that i’m sad. i’m just…indifferent. i was upbeat earlier. now the tv set currently featuring some new, obviously fake, diet pill.

it’s a strange feeling, but sometimes i feel like i’m living outside the rest of these people. on wednesday we went to the school karaoke night. met a girl who was not particularly cute, whose singing approached screeching, and yet got on stage and made everyone cheer for her. she knows how to let go and how to have fun. she can be by herself. she can make people love her.

i wish i could give my life to someone who knows how to live it.